Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.

Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

BDSM Problem #154

BDSM Problem #154

When the term good girl starts to become the synonym for being a dirty submissive little slut that wants to get tortured and used

Happy (Kinky) Holidays!!

So I took the plunge and went to the Christmas munch/play party in a neighboring town.  I knew a couple of people that were going to be attending but most of the aquaintances I have met since moving were attending a different play party that evening.

It was a ton of fun.  I bought a garter belt and a pair of stockings and wore them underneath my red sweater dress and felt SUPER sexy *grin*

So I went to the party and there was a lot of food and a couple of people I chatted with and some others that I had met once before but hadn't really talked to.  We sat and ate and it was lovely.  Then we played the White Elephant grab bag game and it was hilarious! Everyone brought some sort of pervertable gift bag and it was hilarious!  I ended up stealing another player's bag that had some lovely rope, a dish cleaning brush, a funnel, electrical tape, a cheap hanger with clamps, and an over the door hook.

OMG the over the door hook is a delightful g spot toy ^^ accompanied by the fake hitachi I came twice in like 5 minutes! Never before! Thank you kinky Xmas friends!!

After the presents and such people once again hung out and played in an adjacent room set up with spanking benches.  I ended up doing some stretches and exposing myself a little bit *blush* but actually left the party semi early.  I am really glad I went.  I got to re-meet a bunch of people, added some friends on Fet, got a few compliments *blush* but that is another story.

Fuck

Hi!  Thanks I am feeling better! Sorry I've just been in a weird place lately, I do enjoy talking and hanging out with you but at this point I think that's all I can really do. Sorry to have led you on but I would still like to hang out and talk but as friends and stuff

Dr. Jones and the Communication Block of Doom

So the Sunday date was rainchecked and it turned into a Monday night nursing gig.  He and I were Im'ing back and forth (I initiated) and he made a joke about wanting a backrub.  Long story short, I went to his place and gave him a backrub/some cookies.  I also went down on him a bit (ho boy he is thick!), he fingered me again (holy hell he has great fingers), he slapped my ass...hard, and we talked and cuddled naked again.  Then I left.

And now it is Thursday night and he hasn't contacted me at all.  I ended up sending him a message that basically said "Hi hope you're feeling better, so do you like me or what cause I keep being the one to initiate etc etc."  No reply. 

Could this be the end of Dr. Jones? Will his inability to initate conversation be the end of him? Am I doomed to be unloved until the end of time? Forever Aloners unite....

Re-postables

To enter in these bonds is to be free.  ~  John Donne

"I’m sorry for…
Being annoying because I want to talk to you.
Being needy because I miss you.
Being emotional because I care about you.
Being insecure because I’m afraid to lose you."

Dr. Jones and the Third Date of Awesomeness

So I had a third date with Dr. Jones.  It went really really well.  I went over to his place and we watched Evil Dead and most of Daybreakers (a really good movie btw).  So during movie #1 there was no physical contact.  During movie #2 I got cold and borrowed a blanket and he put his hand on my thigh.  He was touching my thigh through my jeans, super gently and innocently but he totally ended up making me shiver, which super amussed him, then he moved to my neck and my ears and my scalp.  He eventually put his hand down my shirt and I started making noises, it was delightful :D. So he told me that I could tell him to stop and I put up a finger to signal a pause while I stopped shivering/caught my breath.

Then I dropped the kinky bomb.  I told him I was kinky (had previously stated that I was interested in sex in an academic sense, PhD and so forth and mentioned that I had recently started perusing some kinky literature) and he appeared totally cool with it.  I told him that I recently discovered that I liked canes, that I like being tied up, bit, hair pulled etc.  I definitely did NOT tell him everything on my list but I confessed the things I thought would show that this was a serious interest and not just a "play" interest.  I told him that I had just started getting into it and that I had some friends that I had explored some stuff with and so forth.  I tried to be honest without being explicit and hoping that he would be ok with it all.  He mentioned that he had done some hair pulling, biting, tying up, and whipping in the past and said that it wouldn't be a problem.  I felt SUPER awkward after I told him because....I guess I was expecting an automatic negative response and even though he gave a somewhat positive response I am still scared that he just said it but didn't really mean it....

Anyway, so then there was a pause and he started licking and kissing my neck and I started making noises.  So he stood up and helped me wobble to his bedroom, took off my clothes, and went down on me.  Holy Hell.  It felt so fucking good!! I was totally not expecting it for sure!!  I didn't climax but omg it was good.  Then we cuddled naked in his bed for a little over an hour.  It was super nice.

So, my thinking is that his positive reaction to my admission really WAS a positive reaction and not just a "I will say yes to get some action" reaction...but then he rainchecked on our planned evening on Sunday so.....that makes me all nervous and self conscious and such again....

Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.

I know

So My Ninja Friend and I have been having increasingly steamy conversations with each other.  Well tonight he was talking to me on the phone while touching himself and came on the phone with me.  Immediately I became depressed because the first thought that came into my head was "He is now just going to use me to get off when he is horny just like everyone else I know because that is all I am to them."

And I know if I tell him this that he will vehemently deny it and will try to convince me and I know that this is just a negative cognition in my head (along the lines of "I am not good enough for anything but getting other people off").  But it is gonna stay in my head, cause that is how I am.

I am flawed.  I can't give myself to anyone because I keep repeating to myself that I am not good enough for anything but getting people off while I am left unloved and unfulfilled.  V, MNF, Almost Date.....that is all I am good for, being a tool for guys to get off and then reject when they are sated.  The worst part is, I KNOW that these are just cognitive distortions that come out when I am depressed and I know what I would tell friends that say they are thinking this way......but I can't go and talk to someone about about it because I am supposed to be the expert and know how to fix this issue in others...I just can't do it for myself.

Making Sense

Went on a date with the archaeologist (aka Dr. Jones) this weekend, lunch nothing special and we texted a bunch back and forth this evening.  I like him, he is smart and we have a lot to talk about.  We actually ended up having a conversation about sex and porn tonight (a fun topic for sure) and he made me laugh.  I don't know if he is more serious material but I do like him. 
Been talking to V more.  He is really coming into his dominant side with me...well at least online.  He seems to be getting into it that is for sure.  He is planning on visiting my town mid-December so I will probably get fucked and slapped around a lot :D

Speaking of getting fucked, I have a new policy of not sleeping with people unless I am dating them.  I think that this is gonna save me a lot of stress in the future....

My evening with MNF.....we watched  Thor, he started rubbing/scratching my back and ass and I started moaning and writhing a bit.  Then he got hot and bothered and took off my shirt/bra.  He bit me (which we all know I love) and I ended up giving him a blowjob.  We went to get a snack at the gas station after and he apparently felt like post-blowjob talk cause he talked about his friendship with my cousin and how he has been moody and whatever.  Then he flat out said that he didn't want to date me.  That was a blow to my ego, I am good enough to make him cum but not to date....and he does not seem to understand that if we hang out together we end up fooling around.  So once again I am going to have to not hang out with him so that I do not get hurt.

Going to be seeing the gentleman next weekend.  Spending time with him and his sub will be nice.  I feel the need to get beaten......

Haven't heard a whole lot from Almost Date.  Pretty sure nothing is going to happen with that, at least nothing serious...We hung out after the munch and talked a bit about his other play partners (at least 4 that he mentioned various distances away from him) and how he doesn't play that much supposedly (1-2 times per month). And of course he reiterated that he is looking for a permanent partner blah blah blah.  Sigh, I will probably give up on him too...

Trying to find a spot to hang out with my Kitten friend in the big city next weekend since I will be home for Thanksgiving.  Don't know if he will end up tying me up, due to time constraints, but yeah.

Did a lot of errands yesterday (got a new driver's license, almost bought a mini crop at a livestock store, bought new clothes for work, bought groceries).  Made cookies and buckeyes for next week.

Talked dirty with My Ninja Friend for a bit, it is pretty hot he makes me twitch.  Actually, I have been twitching pretty easily lately...Not sure if it is because I have become more conditioned to it or what...  i think he is the closest to my ideal kind of partner.  I do not think I could be his partner because of distance and other complications but in temperment and whatnot I find him very...reassuring and safe.

Bad Choices

Hung out with MNF tonight for the first time in a looooong time.  It was a bad choice.

Left me feeling like once again like all I am good enough for is sex. I know this is negative cognition and blah blah blah but it made me cry anyway.

Post Play Date #1

Random Thoughts on a (play) date with Almost-Date

It was good....and yet i feel somwhat neutral...
I'm not sure why exactly, maybe I was just really tired or numbed out or something
He would like an act II
I enjoyed my evening, we made out and there was some slight removal of clothing and biting which was fun
I think he smells good and I do like him
Idk if it is a like like kind of thing and he DOES have a lot of play partners which, in theory, would be better if it didn't bother me but it isn't my ideal situation....
In theory I could be ok with that if I had more information (who and how many would be a good start I guess) but at this point it isn't my place to be THAT girl
And even if it was (which I have been told for safety and health etc) I am not good at all asking those questions w/o feeling like I am intruding/nagging etc
I AM going to adopt a policy of not sleeping with someone unless I am dating dating them though

Two Dates no Waiting

Had a date with Almost Date and a vanilla date in the same weekend. 

I ended up feeling very confused about vanilla vs kinky dating, worried about my...interactions with multiple guys in the same period of time.
Not knowing where everything is going to fit together.

Trying to figure out where everything goes in my life, blending my vanilla friends/family and my kinky leanings
I have all these vanilla friends that I adore but that are far away and questioning if I should be relying on the kinky people down here for my social life instead of trying to branch out with "regular" people
How am I supposed to talk about my life down here to my vanilla people up if it's all whips and chains and such?
Sometimes I feel like I am lying

Choices

So last night my friend K broke up with my ninja friend.  This has been a long time in coming and it really upset me for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that I held them up on a pedestal as a kinky couple or the fact that I know that my ninja friend would become absolutely heartbroken and I would want to pick up the pieces.  But in my head I know that I cannot and SHOULD NOT be the one to pick up his pieces. 

On another note, my ninja friend asked me a question last night regarding my almost date:

Ninja Friend: ...find out if [he] likes to play with all the newbies taht come to his territory or if hes selective...
...
Purple: informant #2 "[He] has only tied me up a couple times but that is it. He is great at that. And it is fun. ...He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around. He does have a couple play partners. I do not know what they do specifically other than that they play..."

So I asked him about it.

Purple: do you play with all the new girls that are in the area?
Almost Date: Nope
...
Almost Date: Well?
Purple: thats it
Almost Date: I have played with many people. I currently have a number of play partners however I don't get to see them very often. I consider myself single and looking. I am looking for "The One" The girl I'll marry.

And then I ran away from both of them.  Almost Date called me a couple of times, left me a voicemail, and texted me.  I ignored his calls, didn't return the text, deleted the voicemail.  I texted him today and apologized using the breakup as an excuse.  He was upset, thought that I would never speak to him again etc etc.  I just wish things were easier, that I made all the right choices, that I was suave and certain and knew that I was doing the right thing.....

Confused, Concerned, Crushed?

So I am getting worried about this date I have with Almost Date Guy.  In a moment of floaty weakness I agreed to go on this date with him, stipulating that it is to be vanilla with no cheating on his part.  By cheating, of course, I mean no biting, no caressing, basically nothing that makes me floaty.

I have asked around to a couple of ladies in the local scene regarding their experiences/opinions and I have to admit that the reviews are not super amazingly stellar.  They aren't super red flags but they are not glowing recommnedations either.

"He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around."

"Because he's a player, honey. He had whoever he can get, pretty much...I think that he doesn't believe that he can get one girl to stay with him, maybe? I'm not sure, but I think he's putting a foot on all fields."

So I am kind of nervous about what may/may not happen.  I mean part of it too is that he had originally said that he was looking for something more than just a play partner type of relationship and the signals I am getting from him are definitely more of the "short term" than long term wants. 

I do not want to put myself in a position where I know I am going to get hurt, I truly do want to learn from my past mistakes with physical vs emotional relationships....I am just not sure that I can.

Depressing posts about D/s Relationships

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The glass goes both ways...

Almost Date: The Saga Continues

So I went to a kinky event this weekend. I was planning on heading to another Halloween type party that night so I was all gussied up at Little Red Riding Hood (nailed it btw) but others were also dressed up in various ensembles so it was all good. It was a potluck/social/play event for the local communities.  It was a good time, there were a bunch of people from the munch....including almost-date guy.  So, after a rousing game of 'let's make purple blush and look at the floor' we had our potluck, played a game of Taboo (tops v bottoms, bottoms won by a landslide :) ) and then they began setting up for the play part of the evening. 

A couple of the girls headed off to use the facilities and I went to join (cause pee parties are all the rage now).  Well on my way there I was....cut off by almost date guy.  He asked if I would like him to tie me up that evening and...started touching me.  Not like groping, but those soft caressy touches that just make me melt.  So, we ended up talking in the storage room (while they were trying to store stuff) which didn't work so we ended up talking a bit outside.  All I can really remember is he asked me some questions one of them being what was I afraid of or something like that and when I finally was able to say something I basically said that I was afraid of getting hurt/letting go.  Which is true, true for many people I would say.  I remember him complimenting (?)/commenting on how fast I got all dreamy/sub spacing.

It was chilly outside and somehow I was able to say that I didn't want to play (due to not being a public player) but that we could go inside and sit and whatever.  So we go inside and sit and I end up sitting on the floor resting my head on his leg.  He touched me and made me twitch/float.  He tied my wrists together and petted my hair and called me a good girl, and made me suck his finger.  It was....good I think.  I mean I get twitchy/floaty pretty easily in the right circumstances, which is kind of embarassing for me because I get so sensitive. 

Because we were kind of off to the side and I had my eyes closed the while thing I didn't feel AS public as I really was.  Even now I am avoiding thinking about that particular aspect.  Eventually I had to "sober up" and did so somewhat reluctantly.  Drank some water, got the chills, drank some mulled cider, didn't get as much post-float touching as I like but a) I didn't voice this and b) I think he was trying not to set me off again.  We talked a little bit, I was gonna head to my next party, he had another party that he was going to go to so we were going to part ways.  He ended up asking if I wanted him to go back to my place (which I rejected because I am trying to avoid making bad choices) and he ended up calling me as I was the way to my other party to ask to go with me.  He claimed that he wanted to spend more time with me and would rather do that at a party with people he didn't know than go to his friend's party. 

I guess I am just confused as to his motivation and I am worried that I am going to be landing in another situation where it's all physical and while I most definitely enjoy that aspect I really do want more....

I don't know if it is that I don't trust him to essentially use me or that I don't trust myself to not allow myself to be used by someone that has the ability to get me all floaty.  My ninja friend told me that I need to figure both those things out and, while I agree, I don't know how to.  It is almost enough for me to go find someone to talk to about all of this but.......yes but...

Hysterical Paroxysm

Fuck

so my almost date cornered me at the munch tonight.  I love the group, they are pretty hilarious and there is a ton of laughing that goes on in the back room of the restaurant we meet at (we are even working on a group corruption of our server cause he is pretty awesome!). 

Anyway, so I am having fun all night laughing and whatnot, the almost date comes in and asks if he can talk to me before I leave so I say sure.  He then ends up sitting RIGHT next to me, like we squished a bunch of people in the booth and he squished himself in as well.  So I was kind of uncomfortable for the beginning of the night but just kind of ignored him and focused on the conversation and eventually ended up switching seats so it was fine.

The night went on and there was laughing etc etc etc but I start fading so I take my leave and the almost date follows me out and asks if he can talk to me.  I say sure and he says he wants to go out with me again.  I ask what happened with the other girl and he says that she was not interested in anything serious which is what he is looking for.  He says he wants to go out with me and not as friends as a date date.  I was...idk some emotion and told him that I would have to think about it and he says ok, gives me a hug, I leave, get in the car, and start crying.

I already feel shitty about myself and being the back up choice AGAIN by the same guy does not help with that feeling.  It makes me feel shaky and sad and numb and just worse about myself than I usually do.  My pussy says "hell yeah someone to tie you up and bite the fuck out of you sweet!" and the rest of me says, "He's is sure as hell not worth it, and you know how this is going to end up for you and you are just crazy damaged goods anyway."

I am so bad at this kind of thing...

Fates

So I slept with MNF again this week.  I went over to his house to watch a tv show with him and he initiated it and I didn't stop it.  I can't seem to help that I feel attracted to him and he makes me wet and that when we get together we end up getting physical. 

That is the part that I don't think he is willing to accept, the fact that we may not be able to be "just friends."  We are sexually attracted to one another and we like to fuck each other and we like to hang out together.  Honestly I sometimes think it would just be better if we bit the bullet and dated but he has said more than once that he is not interested in dating [me]. 

He kept trying to say that we need to stop screwing but I honestly don't think we can and just be friends and I want him to figure that out.

On another note, he tried to focus a lot on getting me off.  My nut wasn't cracked but it did feel really good.  He mentioned that "next time" he'd go down on me.... see above note for my opinion of next times...

A Tale of Two Tales

So let's see...I think i may break this post down into 2 sections: "my ninja friend" and "the date that wasn't"

My Ninja Friend

A quick synopsis of the situation:  I have an online ninja friend who is romantically involved with another friend in a far away state (K).  They have both professed their love etc etc however as of late, K has become a touch distant (ostensibly due to school, work etc etc).  Therefore, they have been talking less and he and I have been talking more. 

Our relationship is...somewhat undefined.  He is part mentor, part dom, potentional paramour, general friend and confidente.  Of late we have been talking more sexually, playing out some fantasies, teasing, saying things without really saying them.  Part of me does feel some guilt that he is talking to me like this.  I think that if they were talking more that we would not be talking as much, I seriously hope that our talking is not making things worse for them, and I am not sure that my talking to him is making things better....  Sometimes I feel like I am in the middle of their relationship, or just a placeholder for K, or a player in some weird online drama world....

The Date That Wasn't

So one of the (now) local kinky guys started messaging me pretty aggressively.  Eventually I got out of him that he asked me out.  In the midst of our conversation he drops the following tidbits:

I'm looking for thoughtful.
I'm looking for a real relationship.
I want a commited relationship

Sounds lovely yes?  Well of course that didn't last.  So we made plans and he proceeded to flirt. and tease, and bite (which TOTALLY makes me melt, like big time, I lurve biting but anyhows).  Two nights before our date (which was supposed to be a totally cliche fall activity that I was kind of excited for) he drops the following tidbit:

Him: I want you to know that I tease alot out of habit. I'm a terrible flirt.
Me: really?? i hadnt noticed ;)
Him: Because I found a girl I really like.
Me: oh? where?
Him: She lives in [not the town I live in]
Me: ah
Him: I really want to go Sunday. I just don't want to lead you along you know?
Me: well i appreaciate that, why not pursue things with her?
Him: I am
Me: ah

I close the conversation and chalk it up to another failure in my pathetic excuse for a dating history when he pops up again with a new story:

Him: I still want to go tomorrow. :(
Me: yeah i dont think that is going to happen
...
Him: [Purple]... I [want] to see you and hangout and be friends. Perhaps eventually play partners.

AH HA!  So the "I want a relationship and not just play partners" was just the lure! The bait for a very lonely kinky lass who enjoys being bitten.  Well it worked for a bit and then it didn't.  So I cried a little bit and my ninja friend and K threatened to kick his ass for me.  And now....I am at square zero again...

Ninja Time

So where to begin...

I have been talking to my ninja friend a lot and he and his mate have been having communication problems lately.  He and I have been talking about this and just talking a lot.  There has been a little bit of flirting and sharing lots personal info and thoughts and experiences. I thoroughly enjoy the flirtingand it is very much "gentle" flirting.  A definite part of me has been feeling anxious at the thought of becoming a wedge between ninja and his mate (also a good friend of mine).  That anxiety and knowing that the direction our conversations were heading prompted me to bring up what his thoughts were regarding my role in his relationships and where the boundaries were essentially. 

His answer was kind of long and detailed (as are many of his thoughts) but it basically came down to this:

"I think you want to try things, as you have to people you are close to, trust and have attraction to. *nods* and you know you would be free to do and try things locally till we could all meet up if things were to happen that directon. which givs you support, release and help along your path while belonging to something that could go somewhere special and fun. *nods* "

He also kind of left me with this question to ponder: "have YOU given any thought where you WANT to be in all this?"

And, yeah, of course I've thought about what might happen, what I might like to happen, if I were to spend time with ninja and his mate....but I have learned that if I want to put myself in a place where I can halt things so I can still control them to a good extent that it starts by not allowing myself to fantasize about what might happen.  If I don't fantasize I don't create expectations, if I don't create expectations then I am not disappointed/hurt etc when those expectations turn out differently than in the fantasies.  I know it is a total defense mechanism, I know that it is one of the ways in which I wall myself off from people.  I consider that a decent first step to becoming a sane human being lol.

I also have info about some more potentials, one fairly local and one up north...but that is for a later post

My prescription....as dictated by my ninja friend

"I think you are really into dirty and just afraid of how its going to alter your sexy white chocolately outside whiel you'd rather rub your cream center all over it. lol. *shrug* nothign wrong with a little sexy degredation, dirty talk, and liking it that way. princess ny day dirty little cumdumpster whore for the right one at night. its a good balance."

Last night's dream....

I had a dream last night that Barack Obama died of some medical/dental condition and I was inconsolable.  I then ran a marathon up a mountain in his honor and ran it really fast (like 20 minutes) and won for my age category.

Things that are wrong with this dream:
- Obama is still alive and will be for a long while!
- I don't do marathons
- I don't run well period so running a marathon with a good time is inconceivable

7 Matrices of Submission

Directions:  Answers each on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being “I don’t care for this at all” and 10 being “That makes me super hot”. You can include caveats: things you like or don’t like, or perhaps imagining being the dominant is what turns you on. You can do this alone to learn more about your turn-ons, or together with a partner to learn more each other and find some new things to do in bed.

THE SCALE | SEVEN MATRICES OF SUBMISSION

1. How much do you like being owned? On a scale of 0 to 10. Do you enjoy hearing “You are mine I own you?”, this extends to being marked as someone’s property, being someone’s baby, little girl, slave, their thing, etc.

10

2. How much do you like to serve, on a scale of 1-10 — 0 being “I do not much care to serve people”, 10 being “It is my life to serve you! Let me massage your feet, bring you a drink, etc…”

3

3. How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called “dirty” or a “slut”. (This includes being humiliated, made to do things in public, objectified etc.)

6

4. How much do you want to be tied down and restrained. This means to be restricted, having your ability to move being restricted via being tied up. (This can include being caged.)

10

5. Do you want or need to be beaten? This is not always about pain. You can “beat” someone for long periods of time without hurting them. When you are beaten you are the center of someone’s physical attention. This is about having someone use their strength against you…its not the pain but being the focus of a partner’s aggression. And of course, some people do like pain.

8

6. How much do you like to be fucked…This may not be about penetration–but having someone devote sexual attention to you. How much do you like to be the focus of someone’s sexual attention?  Thrown down and fucked, used for someone’s pleasure…

9

7. How much do you desire to be given away — In the Story of O, at the final scene, the character is “given away” to someone by her lover. When this happens in real life, usually it’s not permanent, but perhaps you’ve been very “bad”, so your partner’s friends are going to use you. This reinforces the fact that you are such a powerful object of pleasure.

4

Pretty Sexy Things (Black and White)

Apparently I have gotten into sexy pics now....

Looking Back

So I moved from town A about 2 hours south to town B for a job. Now taking the job was the appropriate choice for my career path (and the extra money and cheaper cost of living doesn't hurt). In that move I also moved from a very active community to a not as active community with people that I don't know. It took me about 3 months to finally get comfortable with the crowd in town A (and that was attending munches every week) and even though I am not quite as slow as I was at the time, I know it will take me a while to open up to a new group of people.

Anyhow, I find myself seeing ads for events in town A and feel a wistful longing for the ability to go back and really BE more adventurous with that crowd now that I am no longer there.  And of course yes, I do still talk to some people from town A, and it is not so far a distance and not so far a time ago that I could not attend an event and be welcome etc. 

But, at the same time I drive a lot for work (so my gas bill is already pretty big), I will be in town B for at least 2 years total (so I should at least attempt to make connections in town B), and it is very possible that after my 2 years are up I will be heading to town C (TBD) to pursue a doctorate of some sort.  

I would like to say that I would be attending all sorts of community type activities if I was still in town A, going out every weekend to get beat up (or at least watch others get beat up).  The truth is, I would most likely be increasing my activity in the community for sure, maybe not to the extent that I imagine of course.  So I guess the overall thought is similar to "the grass is always greener on the other side."  The kink is always sexier in the old neighborhood.

309.0

I am so lonely but I keep getting rejected by the one person I know down here.  Last night was pretty bad.  I was feeling rejected by MNF, then I was talking to my friend Ninja (to whom I have been talking a lot lately) and our conversation went something like this:

Ninja: you should clean in a sexy outfit *nods*
Me: hmm? lol
Ninja: put on some good music
Me: that was kind of random ninja lol
Ninja: whcih?
...
Me: the clean in a sexy outfit comment
Ninja: oh. no so much. its a stress reliever. gives you somethign to focus on was in my brain when I microflashed ;)
Ninja: sides you;d look good in it :D
Me: ninja! if it was anyone else i'd say you were hitting on me! :p
...
Ninja: *smiles* I'm just stating fact and truth. if I was hitting on you, I'd choose something tha would make you wet, ting and smiel whith that little red you get. :D lol.
Ninja: but the thought has crossed my mind afew times. ;)

It kind of freaked me out.  I adore Ninja, he is a mentor and a friend and confidante and......well, he is Ninja.  But I don't know how to relate to him as someone who wants to hit on me, or at least has thought about it.  It is like finding out that your best friend wants to fuck you five ways from Sunday (not that Ninja is my best friend but it is a similar feeling). 

THEN, Ninja's mate K, another good friend (who has been going through kind of a busy/rough patch) was texting me and told me she missed me and that just was the last straw and I started crying.  How can someone miss you when you've never met??? (even though I've totally told her I miss talking to her as well)

So the combination of feeling uncomfortable with new information, being missed, feeling rejected, and feeling incredibly lonely (oh and my self diagnosed Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood) made me incredibly depressed and I cried for the rest of the evening on and off.  I was exhausted this morning and it kind of lasted all day.  I cannot wait to get my new rx filled so that my meds are balanced again...I think that will help.

A Post of Reposts

70%

So after talking with one of my online friends, I decided to ask him to forbid me from sleeping with MNF again.  He readily obliged and stated:

Me: can you just remind me not to sleep with MNF
Ninja Friend: as per previous agreements you are NOT to sleep with, engage with or otherwise have sex, sexual congress or interbody intimacy of any kinds ith MNF.
Me: ok ninja
Ninja Friend: *hugs* NONE FOR YOU! Be strong. I still love you

So I went over and hung out with MNF earlier this week (we watched old episodes of Dr Who ^^) and we cuddled....and made out....and he stuck his hand down my pants and made me moan a bit.....but I stuck to my guns and all pants remained intact.  He got on this kick of talking about making me cum because only one guy has done the deed (through oral) and he has not gone down on me as of yet so....

Anyway afterward I wrote down some random thoughts that needed to get out of my head that evening:

• So the Ninja Friend plan was 70% success
• pants stayed on
• my shirt came off for <5 mins
• i cried
• he asked "What's wrong?" but all I could say was "I'm ok" and "It's fine"
• I wasn't lying I didn't know how to explain
• It's more than a booty call be less than a relationship
• He is my only local social contact
• He called me beautiful and pretty and said not only does he like cuddling, but he likes cuddling with ME
• I gave him blue balls :(
• He gave himself blue balls......
• I kept saying I'm sorry
• I don't know what to do....
• My instinct is to run away but he is my only local social contact
• He called himself an asshole for hurting me
• Is he hurting me or am I hurting myself??
• It is easier for me to take all the blame and deny than to talk about it and cry

So yeah....I am not sure what....anything

Being called out by MNF

*After talking about a wedding I am going to this weekend*

Me: meh i am kinda resigned to going alone *shrug*
MNF: but you hate me anyways
Me: i dont hate you
MNF: well, it certainly didnt seem like you liked me
MNF: at the end of whatever night anyways
Me: it is easier to be mean than to be hurt
MNF: I was about to say fair enough then decided not really
Me: it ISN'T fair to you, but it's one of my defense mechanisms
MNF: You say that like it's a valid excuse and that your behavior should be looked over.
MNF: I did. But just pointing it out.
Me: do you have a better option
Me: crying everytime i get upset is not a viable option
MNF: That's fine.
MNF: But that doesn't mean you hurt other people when you hurt.
MNF: Anyways
MNF: Have you eaten?

He called me out on my shit....and it hurt a lot

My Confession

I want to be a slave.

I want to open up the door and be pinned to the wall by my throat and kissed until I can't breathe, or maybe it is the hand on my throat that is keeping me from breathing.  I want to gasp at the same time as I am pulled to my knees by my hair, growled at that I am to be owned for the evening that I better be a good little slut.  I want my mind to go blank as I am dragged to the stairs, forced face down and blinfolded, wrists locked together, maybe a foot on the back of my neck so that I dig into the carpeting in the stairs and all I can do is gasp my moans out. 

I want to be pulled upright and dragged up the stairs, thrown on the floor and my clothes ripped off me with an evil chuckle.  I want to be stroked softly, have nails scratched down my back.  I want to be restrained and taunted, teased until I can't speak and then brought to the brink of coming.  I want to be talked to threateningly, teasingly, in a growl in my ear.

I want to be collared and leashed and controlled until I lose my sense of self.

This is my confession

Desiderata

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Don't stick your body parts in the self sabotaging push-me-pull-me

So in the original Dr Dolittle movie, Doolittle finds a creature called a "push-me-pull-me"

It is this creature I have become, or more likely have always been and am just now recognizing it in its entirety.  I got a phone call from MNF yesterday while on the drive home.  He was also on his way home and we ended up driving right behind each other for the last leg of our commute.  He was bored apparently and asked if I wanted to get dinner.  I agreed and we met up at his place.....well the inevitable happened and even though I think I have been trying to warn him:

Wherein he is the "dick" and I am the "crazy."  We ended up talking about it and he claimed to continue to want to try to hang out and I began distancing procedures and by that I mean I started being a bitch so that he would be repulsed and stop wanting to be around me/talk to me....and I am scared that it worked.  He had, jokingly, given me me grief for spelling his last name incorrectly in his phone and I fixed it today and texted him to announce this.  Why I did this I am not sure...I don't think it was to restablish contact with him today but unconsciously who knows.

MNF: I thought you were distancing
Me: Just an update, don't read into it.
MNF: Okay. Because you certainly tried to tear me down when leaving yesterday.
Me: I do that.  It's what I do, not the best coping mechanism assuredly but it is what I have.

and then there was silence.

I am really struggling this season with my relationship issues.  The combination of trying to express myself in a relationship while at the same time keeping a distance in the event that I get hurt ends up with me pushing people away which makes me sad and depressed.  I absolutely understand WHAT I am doing.  I can certainly put forth some serious hypotheses as to WHY I do this.  I cannot seem to CHANGE what I do.  As I have often told people (clients and non-clients alike), change is hard but if you don't change what you are doing then you will not change the results. 

Part of it is I don't know WHAT to do to change this pattern I find myself repeating.  I can only talk (or write) about it for so long before it starts getting too emotional and I cannot bear to be weak in front of those with whom I discuss these things.  On the one hand I seriously want to discuss this very painful side of myself.  On the other hand, I cannot bear to show weakness after I have struggled so long to contain that side of myself, which inhibits the kind of communication that most likely needs to occur.

It is exhausting. 

Music of Love!

What I have been doing with my life

I knew what I was getting into. 

Maybe if he hadn’t reminded me that he didn’t want a relationship I would have blissfully ignored/repressed that part of it.  I am pretty sure there was a part of me that continued to harbor the fantasy of adam coming around to see that I am super amazing and should be the love of his life….in fact, I am sure of this. 

The romantic side of me sees it as the beginning of a whirlwind romantic adventure amongst the cornstalks, but really what it most likely is is a misguided set of actions encouraged by both hormones and attempts to create a connection to another human being after being dragged from my cozy suburban abode.  So the next plan of attack is distancing. 

I will not be needing his internet services after Saturday and I will try to pawn off my renn faire ticket to…someone to avoid that mishap in the making.  After that it will most likely be a combination of forcing myself to be busy and not communicating (something which may actually work better with My Normal Friend than V seeing as how I don’t yet have the attachment to MNF that I did to V at that time).  Maybe it is the combination of MNF and moving and a new job and a fucking gas guzzling commute that isn’t allowing me to do ok.

Everyone keeps asking how the moving in is going.  Shall I tell you?  The bathtub doesn’t drain, the entire first floor smells musty, both the bathrooms need a good cleaning as does about ½ the kitchen.  The office has neither bookshelves nor a desk and looks like a tornado, half the dishes are still packed in their box, there is no art on the walls, the window situation is laughable (I live in a cave), and I cant even numb myself or distract myself with tv/internet w/o having to go somewhere else. 

As for work, well I already feel like I am not being ambitious enough (surprise), I have to learn…a lot (granted some of it is repeat stuff that I learned at my internship), I’ve never done home visits so I have no idea how that works, and I’ve never been on call (so that will be fun, plus the fact that I live not in the city in which I work).

My social life is non existant and this time I cant even rely on “backup” friends that live nearby.  I don’t even know if it would even be worth attempting to have a social life down here sometimes….

I feel  guilty that I lied to my online Dom, a lie by omission is a lie none the less, and Im lonely.  I have no routine here. I was unhappy with the “thing” we have anyway so I might as well stop talking to him as well (not that we talk that much anyway).

I don’t know if I did the right thing moving to the town I live in because of the commute but I know in my heart that I would feel even worse if I had moved to where I work because at least I have the image of connections here.  I don’t even know, sometimes, whether taking this job was a good idea.  Should I have sacrificed my home and friends and relationships for my career?  I need someone to reframe that, instead of sacrificing all those things in reality I fill in the blank. 

Im homesick and heartsick and sad and even though I keep repeating to myself “just 2 years, you can do just 2 years” sometimes it doesn’t help.  Sometimes I feel the weight of those 2 years and I just want to run home.

This is the total opposite way I felt when I went to college, I KNEW what I was doing in the sense that it felt RIGHT to leave home and go somewhere else new and exciting.  In this situation I just feel forced to accept something that, I presume, is the lesser of two evils for my career.

Things I DO like:

• I get my own desk where I can keep copies of all my worksheets/books
• I will eventually being doing a job that I truly enjoy
• I have a garbage disposal
• Grocery shopping is VERY convenient
• I know things WILL get better
• The people I work with are pretty friendly/nice
• I WILL get used to the city I work in
• I don’t live so far away that I can never come home
• I have a library/office
• I will probably end up spending  A LOT of time sitting in coffee shops writing notes
• I know that I have friends and resources I can lean on….even if only by phone/email

One week down…  1 year 51 weeks to go....