I knew what I was getting into.
Maybe if he hadn’t reminded me that he didn’t want a relationship I would have blissfully ignored/repressed that part of it. I am pretty sure there was a part of me that continued to harbor the fantasy of adam coming around to see that I am super amazing and should be the love of his life….in fact, I am sure of this.
The romantic side of me sees it as the beginning of a whirlwind romantic adventure amongst the cornstalks, but really what it most likely is is a misguided set of actions encouraged by both hormones and attempts to create a connection to another human being after being dragged from my cozy suburban abode. So the next plan of attack is distancing.
I will not be needing his internet services after Saturday and I will try to pawn off my renn faire ticket to…someone to avoid that mishap in the making. After that it will most likely be a combination of forcing myself to be busy and not communicating (something which may actually work better with My Normal Friend than V seeing as how I don’t yet have the attachment to MNF that I did to V at that time). Maybe it is the combination of MNF and moving and a new job and a fucking gas guzzling commute that isn’t allowing me to do ok.
Everyone keeps asking how the moving in is going. Shall I tell you? The bathtub doesn’t drain, the entire first floor smells musty, both the bathrooms need a good cleaning as does about ½ the kitchen. The office has neither bookshelves nor a desk and looks like a tornado, half the dishes are still packed in their box, there is no art on the walls, the window situation is laughable (I live in a cave), and I cant even numb myself or distract myself with tv/internet w/o having to go somewhere else.
As for work, well I already feel like I am not being ambitious enough (surprise), I have to learn…a lot (granted some of it is repeat stuff that I learned at my internship), I’ve never done home visits so I have no idea how that works, and I’ve never been on call (so that will be fun, plus the fact that I live not in the city in which I work).
My social life is non existant and this time I cant even rely on “backup” friends that live nearby. I don’t even know if it would even be worth attempting to have a social life down here sometimes….
I feel guilty that I lied to my online Dom, a lie by omission is a lie none the less, and Im lonely. I have no routine here. I was unhappy with the “thing” we have anyway so I might as well stop talking to him as well (not that we talk that much anyway).
I don’t know if I did the right thing moving to the town I live in because of the commute but I know in my heart that I would feel even worse if I had moved to where I work because at least I have the image of connections here. I don’t even know, sometimes, whether taking this job was a good idea. Should I have sacrificed my home and friends and relationships for my career? I need someone to reframe that, instead of sacrificing all those things in reality I fill in the blank.
Im homesick and heartsick and sad and even though I keep repeating to myself “just 2 years, you can do just 2 years” sometimes it doesn’t help. Sometimes I feel the weight of those 2 years and I just want to run home.
This is the total opposite way I felt when I went to college, I KNEW what I was doing in the sense that it felt RIGHT to leave home and go somewhere else new and exciting. In this situation I just feel forced to accept something that, I presume, is the lesser of two evils for my career.
Things I DO like:
- I get my own desk where I can keep copies of all my worksheets/books
- I will eventually being doing a job that I truly enjoy
- I have a garbage disposal
- Grocery shopping is VERY convenient
- I know things WILL get better
- The people I work with are pretty friendly/nice
- I WILL get used to the city I work in
- I don’t live so far away that I can never come home
- I have a library/office
- I will probably end up spending A LOT of time sitting in coffee shops writing notes
- I know that I have friends and resources I can lean on….even if only by phone/email
One week down… 1 year 51 weeks to go....
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