Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.