The glass goes both ways...

Almost Date: The Saga Continues

So I went to a kinky event this weekend. I was planning on heading to another Halloween type party that night so I was all gussied up at Little Red Riding Hood (nailed it btw) but others were also dressed up in various ensembles so it was all good. It was a potluck/social/play event for the local communities.  It was a good time, there were a bunch of people from the munch....including almost-date guy.  So, after a rousing game of 'let's make purple blush and look at the floor' we had our potluck, played a game of Taboo (tops v bottoms, bottoms won by a landslide :) ) and then they began setting up for the play part of the evening. 

A couple of the girls headed off to use the facilities and I went to join (cause pee parties are all the rage now).  Well on my way there I was....cut off by almost date guy.  He asked if I would like him to tie me up that evening and...started touching me.  Not like groping, but those soft caressy touches that just make me melt.  So, we ended up talking in the storage room (while they were trying to store stuff) which didn't work so we ended up talking a bit outside.  All I can really remember is he asked me some questions one of them being what was I afraid of or something like that and when I finally was able to say something I basically said that I was afraid of getting hurt/letting go.  Which is true, true for many people I would say.  I remember him complimenting (?)/commenting on how fast I got all dreamy/sub spacing.

It was chilly outside and somehow I was able to say that I didn't want to play (due to not being a public player) but that we could go inside and sit and whatever.  So we go inside and sit and I end up sitting on the floor resting my head on his leg.  He touched me and made me twitch/float.  He tied my wrists together and petted my hair and called me a good girl, and made me suck his finger.  It was....good I think.  I mean I get twitchy/floaty pretty easily in the right circumstances, which is kind of embarassing for me because I get so sensitive. 

Because we were kind of off to the side and I had my eyes closed the while thing I didn't feel AS public as I really was.  Even now I am avoiding thinking about that particular aspect.  Eventually I had to "sober up" and did so somewhat reluctantly.  Drank some water, got the chills, drank some mulled cider, didn't get as much post-float touching as I like but a) I didn't voice this and b) I think he was trying not to set me off again.  We talked a little bit, I was gonna head to my next party, he had another party that he was going to go to so we were going to part ways.  He ended up asking if I wanted him to go back to my place (which I rejected because I am trying to avoid making bad choices) and he ended up calling me as I was the way to my other party to ask to go with me.  He claimed that he wanted to spend more time with me and would rather do that at a party with people he didn't know than go to his friend's party. 

I guess I am just confused as to his motivation and I am worried that I am going to be landing in another situation where it's all physical and while I most definitely enjoy that aspect I really do want more....

I don't know if it is that I don't trust him to essentially use me or that I don't trust myself to not allow myself to be used by someone that has the ability to get me all floaty.  My ninja friend told me that I need to figure both those things out and, while I agree, I don't know how to.  It is almost enough for me to go find someone to talk to about all of this but.......yes but...

Hysterical Paroxysm

Fuck

so my almost date cornered me at the munch tonight.  I love the group, they are pretty hilarious and there is a ton of laughing that goes on in the back room of the restaurant we meet at (we are even working on a group corruption of our server cause he is pretty awesome!). 

Anyway, so I am having fun all night laughing and whatnot, the almost date comes in and asks if he can talk to me before I leave so I say sure.  He then ends up sitting RIGHT next to me, like we squished a bunch of people in the booth and he squished himself in as well.  So I was kind of uncomfortable for the beginning of the night but just kind of ignored him and focused on the conversation and eventually ended up switching seats so it was fine.

The night went on and there was laughing etc etc etc but I start fading so I take my leave and the almost date follows me out and asks if he can talk to me.  I say sure and he says he wants to go out with me again.  I ask what happened with the other girl and he says that she was not interested in anything serious which is what he is looking for.  He says he wants to go out with me and not as friends as a date date.  I was...idk some emotion and told him that I would have to think about it and he says ok, gives me a hug, I leave, get in the car, and start crying.

I already feel shitty about myself and being the back up choice AGAIN by the same guy does not help with that feeling.  It makes me feel shaky and sad and numb and just worse about myself than I usually do.  My pussy says "hell yeah someone to tie you up and bite the fuck out of you sweet!" and the rest of me says, "He's is sure as hell not worth it, and you know how this is going to end up for you and you are just crazy damaged goods anyway."

I am so bad at this kind of thing...

Fates

So I slept with MNF again this week.  I went over to his house to watch a tv show with him and he initiated it and I didn't stop it.  I can't seem to help that I feel attracted to him and he makes me wet and that when we get together we end up getting physical. 

That is the part that I don't think he is willing to accept, the fact that we may not be able to be "just friends."  We are sexually attracted to one another and we like to fuck each other and we like to hang out together.  Honestly I sometimes think it would just be better if we bit the bullet and dated but he has said more than once that he is not interested in dating [me]. 

He kept trying to say that we need to stop screwing but I honestly don't think we can and just be friends and I want him to figure that out.

On another note, he tried to focus a lot on getting me off.  My nut wasn't cracked but it did feel really good.  He mentioned that "next time" he'd go down on me.... see above note for my opinion of next times...

A Tale of Two Tales

So let's see...I think i may break this post down into 2 sections: "my ninja friend" and "the date that wasn't"

My Ninja Friend

A quick synopsis of the situation:  I have an online ninja friend who is romantically involved with another friend in a far away state (K).  They have both professed their love etc etc however as of late, K has become a touch distant (ostensibly due to school, work etc etc).  Therefore, they have been talking less and he and I have been talking more. 

Our relationship is...somewhat undefined.  He is part mentor, part dom, potentional paramour, general friend and confidente.  Of late we have been talking more sexually, playing out some fantasies, teasing, saying things without really saying them.  Part of me does feel some guilt that he is talking to me like this.  I think that if they were talking more that we would not be talking as much, I seriously hope that our talking is not making things worse for them, and I am not sure that my talking to him is making things better....  Sometimes I feel like I am in the middle of their relationship, or just a placeholder for K, or a player in some weird online drama world....

The Date That Wasn't

So one of the (now) local kinky guys started messaging me pretty aggressively.  Eventually I got out of him that he asked me out.  In the midst of our conversation he drops the following tidbits:

I'm looking for thoughtful.
I'm looking for a real relationship.
I want a commited relationship

Sounds lovely yes?  Well of course that didn't last.  So we made plans and he proceeded to flirt. and tease, and bite (which TOTALLY makes me melt, like big time, I lurve biting but anyhows).  Two nights before our date (which was supposed to be a totally cliche fall activity that I was kind of excited for) he drops the following tidbit:

Him: I want you to know that I tease alot out of habit. I'm a terrible flirt.
Me: really?? i hadnt noticed ;)
Him: Because I found a girl I really like.
Me: oh? where?
Him: She lives in [not the town I live in]
Me: ah
Him: I really want to go Sunday. I just don't want to lead you along you know?
Me: well i appreaciate that, why not pursue things with her?
Him: I am
Me: ah

I close the conversation and chalk it up to another failure in my pathetic excuse for a dating history when he pops up again with a new story:

Him: I still want to go tomorrow. :(
Me: yeah i dont think that is going to happen
...
Him: [Purple]... I [want] to see you and hangout and be friends. Perhaps eventually play partners.

AH HA!  So the "I want a relationship and not just play partners" was just the lure! The bait for a very lonely kinky lass who enjoys being bitten.  Well it worked for a bit and then it didn't.  So I cried a little bit and my ninja friend and K threatened to kick his ass for me.  And now....I am at square zero again...

Ninja Time

So where to begin...

I have been talking to my ninja friend a lot and he and his mate have been having communication problems lately.  He and I have been talking about this and just talking a lot.  There has been a little bit of flirting and sharing lots personal info and thoughts and experiences. I thoroughly enjoy the flirtingand it is very much "gentle" flirting.  A definite part of me has been feeling anxious at the thought of becoming a wedge between ninja and his mate (also a good friend of mine).  That anxiety and knowing that the direction our conversations were heading prompted me to bring up what his thoughts were regarding my role in his relationships and where the boundaries were essentially. 

His answer was kind of long and detailed (as are many of his thoughts) but it basically came down to this:

"I think you want to try things, as you have to people you are close to, trust and have attraction to. *nods* and you know you would be free to do and try things locally till we could all meet up if things were to happen that directon. which givs you support, release and help along your path while belonging to something that could go somewhere special and fun. *nods* "

He also kind of left me with this question to ponder: "have YOU given any thought where you WANT to be in all this?"

And, yeah, of course I've thought about what might happen, what I might like to happen, if I were to spend time with ninja and his mate....but I have learned that if I want to put myself in a place where I can halt things so I can still control them to a good extent that it starts by not allowing myself to fantasize about what might happen.  If I don't fantasize I don't create expectations, if I don't create expectations then I am not disappointed/hurt etc when those expectations turn out differently than in the fantasies.  I know it is a total defense mechanism, I know that it is one of the ways in which I wall myself off from people.  I consider that a decent first step to becoming a sane human being lol.

I also have info about some more potentials, one fairly local and one up north...but that is for a later post

My prescription....as dictated by my ninja friend

"I think you are really into dirty and just afraid of how its going to alter your sexy white chocolately outside whiel you'd rather rub your cream center all over it. lol. *shrug* nothign wrong with a little sexy degredation, dirty talk, and liking it that way. princess ny day dirty little cumdumpster whore for the right one at night. its a good balance."

Last night's dream....

I had a dream last night that Barack Obama died of some medical/dental condition and I was inconsolable.  I then ran a marathon up a mountain in his honor and ran it really fast (like 20 minutes) and won for my age category.

Things that are wrong with this dream:
- Obama is still alive and will be for a long while!
- I don't do marathons
- I don't run well period so running a marathon with a good time is inconceivable

7 Matrices of Submission

Directions:  Answers each on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being “I don’t care for this at all” and 10 being “That makes me super hot”. You can include caveats: things you like or don’t like, or perhaps imagining being the dominant is what turns you on. You can do this alone to learn more about your turn-ons, or together with a partner to learn more each other and find some new things to do in bed.

THE SCALE | SEVEN MATRICES OF SUBMISSION

1. How much do you like being owned? On a scale of 0 to 10. Do you enjoy hearing “You are mine I own you?”, this extends to being marked as someone’s property, being someone’s baby, little girl, slave, their thing, etc.

10

2. How much do you like to serve, on a scale of 1-10 — 0 being “I do not much care to serve people”, 10 being “It is my life to serve you! Let me massage your feet, bring you a drink, etc…”

3

3. How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called “dirty” or a “slut”. (This includes being humiliated, made to do things in public, objectified etc.)

6

4. How much do you want to be tied down and restrained. This means to be restricted, having your ability to move being restricted via being tied up. (This can include being caged.)

10

5. Do you want or need to be beaten? This is not always about pain. You can “beat” someone for long periods of time without hurting them. When you are beaten you are the center of someone’s physical attention. This is about having someone use their strength against you…its not the pain but being the focus of a partner’s aggression. And of course, some people do like pain.

8

6. How much do you like to be fucked…This may not be about penetration–but having someone devote sexual attention to you. How much do you like to be the focus of someone’s sexual attention?  Thrown down and fucked, used for someone’s pleasure…

9

7. How much do you desire to be given away — In the Story of O, at the final scene, the character is “given away” to someone by her lover. When this happens in real life, usually it’s not permanent, but perhaps you’ve been very “bad”, so your partner’s friends are going to use you. This reinforces the fact that you are such a powerful object of pleasure.

4

Pretty Sexy Things (Black and White)

Apparently I have gotten into sexy pics now....

Looking Back

So I moved from town A about 2 hours south to town B for a job. Now taking the job was the appropriate choice for my career path (and the extra money and cheaper cost of living doesn't hurt). In that move I also moved from a very active community to a not as active community with people that I don't know. It took me about 3 months to finally get comfortable with the crowd in town A (and that was attending munches every week) and even though I am not quite as slow as I was at the time, I know it will take me a while to open up to a new group of people.

Anyhow, I find myself seeing ads for events in town A and feel a wistful longing for the ability to go back and really BE more adventurous with that crowd now that I am no longer there.  And of course yes, I do still talk to some people from town A, and it is not so far a distance and not so far a time ago that I could not attend an event and be welcome etc. 

But, at the same time I drive a lot for work (so my gas bill is already pretty big), I will be in town B for at least 2 years total (so I should at least attempt to make connections in town B), and it is very possible that after my 2 years are up I will be heading to town C (TBD) to pursue a doctorate of some sort.  

I would like to say that I would be attending all sorts of community type activities if I was still in town A, going out every weekend to get beat up (or at least watch others get beat up).  The truth is, I would most likely be increasing my activity in the community for sure, maybe not to the extent that I imagine of course.  So I guess the overall thought is similar to "the grass is always greener on the other side."  The kink is always sexier in the old neighborhood.