Stream of Consciousness

so I just had a talk with T a girl that J and I both agree that she is adorable and there have been tentative discussions about her being someone that we could both enjoy....being with in some way.  she invited the two of us to watch her try a marathon of squirting.  we had a small conversation about her squirting abilities and how her whole set up would work and protocol because I know for a fact if J and I are observers at her marathon squirting session that we'll get turned on and i'll want to fuck him and he'll want to fuck me (more than he will want to fuck her because yes i still have insecurities about that).  and i am curious about doing something sexual with another woman.  ive never labeled myself as bi but ive never denied the possibility that it might be sometime i explore at some point in my life.  but im scared because its new and i have these super intense feelings for J and i know he has super intense feelings for me and i am not used to this kind of intensity much less it being successful so i feel llike i have to hide some of my feelings because i cant have him have that ammunition against me when we separate.  but I told T that she had been part of our tentative discussions and she appeared flattered maybe a little confused flustered but i felt that we were in a good spot to confess that to her.  it absolutely terrifies me to imagine what would happen if we were to include her.  would i feel intense jealousy over the attributes that she has that i do not, would i cry because i would fear losing him, would i feel guilt for enjoying the experience (whether that be guilt for enjoying being sexual with a woman or guilt for feeling neagtive feelings about the experience if i were to have them).

Under the sun

So J found this blog and read it...or is in the process of I am not exactly sure.  We have been having some really sexy kinky yummy experiences (hanging from a hook on a door, spanking, etc etc) which has been delightful.  We have some some super heavy talking about us and sex and kink and us/sex and us/kink and kink/sex just absolutely everything under the sun.  It is amazing how close to him I feel most of the time.  And I know the psychology of increasing intimacy by sharing details of one's life with another person blah blah blah.  apparently it is true.

I am not sure how I feel about him reading this...I think I may ok from when he started reading to the beginning (might as well) but negate any new posts.  He texted me something this evening after having read some more of my blog and it made me cry:

...I now have a better understanding of how much you've been treated like shit.  Let me be clear...I want you.  I want you more than I care about doing anything or exploring anything with others.  And just because you want to try things with others doesn't mean there has to be quid pro quo.  I don't want you to EVER think that I'm more interested in someone else, or using you as an...Entrance ticket....

(I am pretty sure that the term "Entrance ticket" is from here but I don't know where off the top of my head.)  so then I cried and told him that I was crying and he called me and it was ok.  And not "I'm just saying ok to make you go away" an honest "I'm ok and I'm crying but I am truly ok."

And we talked about other things and more about our boundaries and his sadistic side that he hasn't unleashed yet and my wanting to experience that with him and making sure we are both ok and safe and happy and loved.  It was a good talk.  I love talking about that kind of stuff with him.  I think mostly because it isn't just me being anxious and neurotic and worrying.  It is open and honest and feels ok.

So for now I am just going to save this as a draft.  We shall see what the sun brings tomorrow...

Exchange

So J and I are official.  We ended up eating dinner with a local relative and her bf the other night and I felt horribly awkward becuas I could just imagine the conversation that was reported to fellow family membersand the inquisition that could follow.  So far no mention of it from said fellows...maybe the local relative has grown wise in her 20 years on earth and has decided it isn't their business.  More likely she just forgot in the excitement of school starting again but the result is the same.

So J and I exchanged "I love yous" last night.  We went to karaoke with some local kinky people, hung out and did the social thing.  I was a bit nervous at first because the hostess from the party we met at was there and I was slightly concerned about possible drama.  She happened to have her hands full however...or rather a guy had his hands full of her....Anyway it was the first time we've been "out" as a couple with the kinksters and there was some PDA, not too much, but there was some definite dirty talking happening at the end of the night for sure.  We left the bar I pulled J off to the side and attacked his mouth with mine.  Tongues were thrashing, pulses were racing, undergarments were being disturbed.  It was lovely.  Then he decided to tease me as I was driving us back to my place by groping me and touching me while I was trying to drive.  It was very distracting but thank god I made it home OK.

So we get to my place, head upstairs, get ready for bed, and start making out.  He starts fingering me and growling in my ear and just being delightful so I told him I wanted him and he obliged by fucking me ever so slowly.  Yum.  We ended up with me on top (always slightly embarassing for me because I feel a bit like a spectacle) and neither of us finished.  And it was ok.  He makes sex something that isn't porn perfect and is ok.  He asked if I wanted to finish but truly I was content burrowing into him.

We ended up talking and cuddling and touching each other for a while.  He told me he loved me.  We talked a little bit about what that means.  I told him I loved him.  He almost cried I swear.  More touching, kissing, teasing.  I stretched over to turn off the light and he pounced on me, growled in my ear that I was his, that he was going to fuck my ass someday.  I of course moaned my agreement.  We tried to go to sleep a couple of times but ended up groping and touching and kissing each other.  Probably didn't fall asleep till 1 maybe.

Today he almost sent me something (my guess is flowers) to work and we had a pseudo argumnet over him paying for everything.  So far I have given in pretty well but I warned him that time would not last much longer.  He countered by saying he would just spank me if I argued too much....somehow I feel that might be a win-win....

Who knows?

Is there such a thing as a BDSM romance?  Where one can be totally romantically in love with one's dominant? One's owner? Where two people can share their lives, bodies, emotions, and everything in between??

I want to say yes.  But who knows for sure.

Post Play Date #1

Random Thoughts on a (play) date with Almost-Date

It was good....and yet i feel somwhat neutral...
I'm not sure why exactly, maybe I was just really tired or numbed out or something
He would like an act II
I enjoyed my evening, we made out and there was some slight removal of clothing and biting which was fun
I think he smells good and I do like him
Idk if it is a like like kind of thing and he DOES have a lot of play partners which, in theory, would be better if it didn't bother me but it isn't my ideal situation....
In theory I could be ok with that if I had more information (who and how many would be a good start I guess) but at this point it isn't my place to be THAT girl
And even if it was (which I have been told for safety and health etc) I am not good at all asking those questions w/o feeling like I am intruding/nagging etc
I AM going to adopt a policy of not sleeping with someone unless I am dating dating them though

Ninja Time

So where to begin...

I have been talking to my ninja friend a lot and he and his mate have been having communication problems lately.  He and I have been talking about this and just talking a lot.  There has been a little bit of flirting and sharing lots personal info and thoughts and experiences. I thoroughly enjoy the flirtingand it is very much "gentle" flirting.  A definite part of me has been feeling anxious at the thought of becoming a wedge between ninja and his mate (also a good friend of mine).  That anxiety and knowing that the direction our conversations were heading prompted me to bring up what his thoughts were regarding my role in his relationships and where the boundaries were essentially. 

His answer was kind of long and detailed (as are many of his thoughts) but it basically came down to this:

"I think you want to try things, as you have to people you are close to, trust and have attraction to. *nods* and you know you would be free to do and try things locally till we could all meet up if things were to happen that directon. which givs you support, release and help along your path while belonging to something that could go somewhere special and fun. *nods* "

He also kind of left me with this question to ponder: "have YOU given any thought where you WANT to be in all this?"

And, yeah, of course I've thought about what might happen, what I might like to happen, if I were to spend time with ninja and his mate....but I have learned that if I want to put myself in a place where I can halt things so I can still control them to a good extent that it starts by not allowing myself to fantasize about what might happen.  If I don't fantasize I don't create expectations, if I don't create expectations then I am not disappointed/hurt etc when those expectations turn out differently than in the fantasies.  I know it is a total defense mechanism, I know that it is one of the ways in which I wall myself off from people.  I consider that a decent first step to becoming a sane human being lol.

I also have info about some more potentials, one fairly local and one up north...but that is for a later post

Looking Back

So I moved from town A about 2 hours south to town B for a job. Now taking the job was the appropriate choice for my career path (and the extra money and cheaper cost of living doesn't hurt). In that move I also moved from a very active community to a not as active community with people that I don't know. It took me about 3 months to finally get comfortable with the crowd in town A (and that was attending munches every week) and even though I am not quite as slow as I was at the time, I know it will take me a while to open up to a new group of people.

Anyhow, I find myself seeing ads for events in town A and feel a wistful longing for the ability to go back and really BE more adventurous with that crowd now that I am no longer there.  And of course yes, I do still talk to some people from town A, and it is not so far a distance and not so far a time ago that I could not attend an event and be welcome etc. 

But, at the same time I drive a lot for work (so my gas bill is already pretty big), I will be in town B for at least 2 years total (so I should at least attempt to make connections in town B), and it is very possible that after my 2 years are up I will be heading to town C (TBD) to pursue a doctorate of some sort.  

I would like to say that I would be attending all sorts of community type activities if I was still in town A, going out every weekend to get beat up (or at least watch others get beat up).  The truth is, I would most likely be increasing my activity in the community for sure, maybe not to the extent that I imagine of course.  So I guess the overall thought is similar to "the grass is always greener on the other side."  The kink is always sexier in the old neighborhood.