Don't stick your body parts in the self sabotaging push-me-pull-me

So in the original Dr Dolittle movie, Doolittle finds a creature called a "push-me-pull-me"

It is this creature I have become, or more likely have always been and am just now recognizing it in its entirety.  I got a phone call from MNF yesterday while on the drive home.  He was also on his way home and we ended up driving right behind each other for the last leg of our commute.  He was bored apparently and asked if I wanted to get dinner.  I agreed and we met up at his place.....well the inevitable happened and even though I think I have been trying to warn him:

Wherein he is the "dick" and I am the "crazy."  We ended up talking about it and he claimed to continue to want to try to hang out and I began distancing procedures and by that I mean I started being a bitch so that he would be repulsed and stop wanting to be around me/talk to me....and I am scared that it worked.  He had, jokingly, given me me grief for spelling his last name incorrectly in his phone and I fixed it today and texted him to announce this.  Why I did this I am not sure...I don't think it was to restablish contact with him today but unconsciously who knows.

MNF: I thought you were distancing
Me: Just an update, don't read into it.
MNF: Okay. Because you certainly tried to tear me down when leaving yesterday.
Me: I do that.  It's what I do, not the best coping mechanism assuredly but it is what I have.

and then there was silence.

I am really struggling this season with my relationship issues.  The combination of trying to express myself in a relationship while at the same time keeping a distance in the event that I get hurt ends up with me pushing people away which makes me sad and depressed.  I absolutely understand WHAT I am doing.  I can certainly put forth some serious hypotheses as to WHY I do this.  I cannot seem to CHANGE what I do.  As I have often told people (clients and non-clients alike), change is hard but if you don't change what you are doing then you will not change the results. 

Part of it is I don't know WHAT to do to change this pattern I find myself repeating.  I can only talk (or write) about it for so long before it starts getting too emotional and I cannot bear to be weak in front of those with whom I discuss these things.  On the one hand I seriously want to discuss this very painful side of myself.  On the other hand, I cannot bear to show weakness after I have struggled so long to contain that side of myself, which inhibits the kind of communication that most likely needs to occur.

It is exhausting.