Work Shiva and Party Oh My!

I accomplished the above things today. Go me.

I was also horny today. I realized this especially on my way to the shiva from work where I ended up trying to touch myself through my pants (difficult). I was supposed to wait for the food and ended up masturbating on the couch in my dad's house (where the shiva took place) while my half sister's bf went to get ice.

I also thought a lot about V. In my perfect world (we all have one and I am sure I have written abou this before) V would take control of me (dare I say own me??) use me as his fucktoy his fuckslut his whore. He would tease me and play with me and make me kneel at his feet with a collar around my neck and the leash in his hand. I want to be His (yup the capital 'H') and I am not sure if this is just a ridiculous fantasy of mine that will never come true. If it is just some romanticized idea of what I think I want with someone who lives so far away.

I am not sure if I should talk to V about this. He calls me his fuckslut, his fucktoy. He thinks what I want is hot (the crop, the collar, being used by him), but IDK if what he wants extends to the degree that I want, and because we don't talk as much as we used to, discussing this with him will be difficult. I've talked to him before about our "relationship" and I always feel not content with how they end because we end up talking over instant message or text and you can't get the whole picture through that.

All I know for sure is I want to be His tonight, to be beaten, and fucked, and loved, and held, and kept safe from everything from the safety of His arms.