A Tale of Two Lovers

So what to say what to say.

I feel rejected by V. We don't talk at all like we used to and I don't know what if anything has caused the change. It could just be him moving to Colorado and having a new job. It could be me saying that I was talking to other people. It could be nothing, it could be everything. I sent him a message on FB saying that, who knows if he'll respond, or what he'll say, in my experience nothing that neutralizes my discomfort. It makes me sad.

I don't know that CM and I are on the same page. He keeps insisting that he just wants to help me by pushing my limits and that he is there for me and wants me to be safe, but at the same time I feel as though our ideas of what I want are different. He, I think, wants more control than I do. I have a feeling I am an "in the bedroom" kind of girl, or at least a "in a relationship" kind of girl. I am not a 24/7 kind of girl. As I told him this evening, I have too much to do in my life to be 24/7. On the other hand, I want to experience some of the darker things, to be controlled, to be hit, to be tied up and used for someone else's pleasure.

I wish I could just not, just give it all up. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I don't know what to do with myself.