Fustercluck

So last night was a bit of a fuck up, ok maybe a big fuck up. The day itself actually went by pretty fast. My cousin, M, was chatting with me and I ended up getting an invite to a TNG munch in the city with him and his [f]riend. This is a good thing as I really need to go to a munch and have been putting it off and basically have been too chicken to go by myself to any events in my area. So going with a small group will help that. He also turned me on to a super duper online sale at a "toy" company. I ended up purchasing a rechargeable/cordless wand vibe and a crop.

So I was so excited that I posted news of the sale on a website I frequent and got super burned! Apparently there are a lot of people who have not been happy with their purchases from this website so that kind of put a damper on my somewhat impulsive spending.

Finished work, went home, went to yoga, took a shower and came back. CM came online and we played a little bit. He had talked to me before about using a belt on myself (as a flogger kind of thing) and I have to admit I was curious, nervous, and a little excited to try it out. Well I liked it, gave myself some pretty welts and it made me pretty wet. That, of course is when the trouble started, He had me grab my vibe and fuck myself with it and I got close to climaxing....very close....really super close,but I could not for the life of me push myself over the edge. It was so frustrating that I ended up sobbing on the floor of my bedroom, naked, with a a dripping wet pussy. And I know that CM wants me to climax and I want me to climax, but I find it soooo hard to do! I am not sure if it is something to do with my meds or the fact that I am feeling so depressed about my life lately (see: The Trifecta)or the fact that V was online and I wasn't talking to him and wanted him so badly last night. CM keeps pushing me, which is good but I have this hang up about not being able to climax repeatedly at the drop of a hat and how that makes me a horrible woman/person/partner/sex object. That makes me more frustrated and honestly I feel like I am letting him down (felt the same way about having sex with V) by not being able to cum and cum and cum. I eventually just gave some bs message about being sorry and having to go then logged off and sobbed some more.

I felt like shit and it carried somewhat over to today I'm afraid. I can never live in a home with a firearm in it. I would be too tempted to use it someday.