Yay for Moscato!

I forgot to mention that I started to cry when I was getting fucked by V. I am not sure if it was because it was so intense that I had some sort of release or if I was so unhappy with the situation that it made me cry. I also remember him asking me if I was ok then kissing the lids of my eyes. The memory makes me smile a bit, a sign that maybe he did care, just couldn't fucking say it....

Anyway, this weekend I hung out with some girlfriends of mine and we ended up having a lovely drunken-kinky-sexy-talk time! I made friends with a new kinky companion!! We totally clicked and it was amazing! she and her bf/almost fiance are slightly kinky and she is gonna go to the munch with me on Tuesday :D

Also my other girlfriend cropped me good (which was lovely) then the next day (somewhat hungover) the three of us went to a vendor fair for a spanking convention in the area. We didn't buy anything but we got to test out a violet wand which was pretty cool. I really like having some gfs that I am totally comfortable talking about kinky things with. Now I just need to find a partner to play with.....le sigh

Bad choices part II

So last night I slept with V again.

I was worried about sleeping with V because I thought I might start having feelings for him again if I did so. I romanticized what our encounter would/could be like. All tender and filled with sweet nothings and "I missed yous" in between the slapping and biting and delightfully rough fucking. I imagined him fucking me, not just that, dominating me, making me his. Ringing my doorbell with collar and leash in hand.

*Wry laugh*

Of course that did not occur. He showed up and there was some very short....not even flirting. I think I knew even when he walked in the door that this wasn't going to bed the fantasy I imagined so I wasn't as into the game as I have been previously. To that effect he really got rough with me.

He hit me harder than he ever hit me before, he slapped my ass, called me his slut, slapped my pussy till I couldn't stand it. All of which was great, but my heart was not in it at all. I think he knew that. He fucked me hard, but it seemed like it was harder for him to get off, like he didn't know what I wanted even though I told him earlier. I know I wasn't near as vocal as I have been in past encounters and it was because my heart and my body weren't really in it.

I guess overall I am more disappointed than anything. I was expecting to be hurt and feel sad because I wanted more from him. Instead I'm disappointed and angry that we couldn't communicate and that our last fucking session turned out so poorly...

Bad choices are bad choices for a reason. All hail the Year of Reckless Abandon.

Bad choices on a stormy night

Bad choices are bad choices for a reason.

"Someday someone will love the fuck out of you." - Anonymous

TMI...On Time!!!

TMI Tuesday: July 26, 2011
by TMI Tuesday blog
At The Movies



1. Why do you go to the movies? Depends on the movie!
a. To feel
b. To think
c. To escape
d. To enjoy the air conditioning

2. In the last six months, have you viewed more movies at home or at the movie theatre?

Definitely at home! But I've seen my fair share in the theater as well :-)

3. What was the last movie you watched at home? At the theatre?

At home: 'How to Marry a Millionaire" on dvd and 'Superhero Movie' on TV
In the theater: Capt America last night :) I like it!

4. Which do you enjoy most in a movie?
a. Two beings battling to death such as Godzilla and Mothra (or any foe), Gladiator
b. Car chase scene such as Ronin, Fast & the Furious
c. Major heist such as Italian Job, Ocean’s Eleven, Snatch
d. Epic battle scene such as Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings: Two Towers

5. In your opinion, which movie(s) have the best or most enjoyable sex scenes?

That is a tough one...I like the sex scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith but sometimes I think they add in a sex scene just to sell the movie. You need to have a sex scene that works with the plot and the people, you can't just throw one in willy nilly.

6. Which of these is your favorite Hollywood movie plot? Although all the choices are pretty cliche....
a. Boy meets girl (Also I sometimes LOVE these but won't always admit it!)
b. The Jesus Story (apocalyptic; someone is saving the world)
c. Fish out of Water
d. Buddy movie

7. What is your favorite movie genre? (Thriller, comedy, action/adventure, drama, mystery, fright, etc.)

Again, depends on my mood, I like to be scared (especially if I have someone to hold onto), I like to laugh (but some comedies are waaaaay to poop joke oriented for me), and I like to cheer for a hero (especially if it is fantasy/historical).

8. In movies, what makes you cry?
a. mistreatment of a prime, likeable character
b. gushy, mushy romance (e.g., marriage proposals, couple finally proclaim their love)
c. very scary jump-out-at-you, make-you-pee-your-pants scenes
d. anyone or anything dying

Bonus: What is your favorite movie? Why?

I have too many favorites! My favorite Christmas movie is White Christmas cause it is amazing (it just is too bad!). I LOVE LOVE LOVE Cinderella! (and everything about her not just the movie). 50 First Dates is my favorite love story and it ALWAYS makes me cry. Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte De Loup) is my favorite "I am depressed and want to watch a movie" movie. So I can't answer this one very well!!
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Dreams...

So last night I dreamt that I went to a play party/overnight retreat that started at 10pm. Somehow I ended up helping the food provider (as the kitchen needed to be moved from one wall to another) and finished at 2am. I spent almost the entire party IN THE KITCHEN! Then I was annoyed/depressed cause I had missed so much and kind of refused to play/participate/socialize the rest of the time and was super pissed cause when I went in the "dark room" (apparently it was a room that was supposed to be pitch black so people could grope anonymously) the sun was coming up and it was obviously not dark in there anymore (why a "dark room" would have windows is a mystery). I also remember something about a scavenger hunt of some sort and I remember that one the munch leaders was there (one of the members I kind of have the hots for)sitting at the cafeteria style table watching me.

Well it doesn't take a genius to decipher what this dream meant. I DID kind of spend the whole play party in the kitchen (granted it was totally open to the play space and there were many people socializing there with me throughout the night) but I also wandered around a little bit. But I think that this dream is also me telling myself that I wish I could have played, that I WANT to play with someone, or rather that I want to have someone to play with....

Play Party Wrap-Up

So I went to the party tonight and it was very enlightening. While I only watched/socialized it was one of those self-realization type experiences....I am glad I went. :)

Random things I realized:

There are only 2 people at the munch that I would consider full on topping me (but would be open to possibly a third)

There are only 4 people total I would feel comfortable topping me (oneof them is not big into kinky so that would prove difficult and one of them is V)

I don't think I would necessarily feel comfortable actually full on playing at a party because I am sooooo not an exhibitionist

I like a more sensual/DS-y kind of play more than SM-y kind of play

Slapping is totally good punching could be interesting but looks dangerous and more ouchie than I think I want

Violet wand could be a lot of fun....

I really want A (as in singular), person that I can explore this stuff with, it just takes me a long time to get to the point with someone that I would trust them to beat me and tease me silly

Scenes that I witnessed and my reactions (if any) to them:

Reaaaaally long and VERY intense interrogation scene (too much for me by a million!)

Tease and denial of guy (hot but seen from afar)

REALLY hot kind of mindfuck-y, biting, pinching, ass slapping, kind of scene that I would love to try

Various tying up of people by other people, some more complex than others, some with additional stimulation, (again something on my curious list)

A kind of sensation play/tease scene which also looked fun

A flogging (by one of the people whom I would TOTALLY let touch me in private)

Some foot worshipping (meh)

Spanking (always nice)

Overall, I was really pleased that I went. I may not go to another party anytime soon but I have had the experience and found that I can survive it, dare I say enjoy it?

Of course now I want to talk to V and have him beat me then fuck me but meh ::shrug::

Slut-O-Rama

So......I moved into my new apt and had a whole crew of people help. My cousin's friend from school was in town (lives about 2 hrs south of us)so he helped lug and we chatted (although according to him/others I was flirting). So fast forward to yesterday when I had to drive to the central part of the state for a job interview. I ended up posting this and he comments on it and we arrange to get dinner (just for the hell of it I SWEAR!!!).

So, I drive down, do the interview, drive up a bit and chill at a Panera's while he finishes work. He says he is finally home so I drive to his house figuring he will have an idea for dinner or something. Well it is hot so I am not super hungry and I say so and he doesn't for the issue and instead continues to sit on his couch and watch tv. so I end up sitting next to him and we kind of jockey for position and end up wrestling around a bit until his arm ends up wrapped around my waist and my head is against his shoulder. Now at this point I am like, well this could go one of two ways and we shall see which way that is....

So he starts nuzzling my neck with his scratchy face, which of course makes me get the shivers (cause my neck is very ticklish) so he does it some more and I struggle a little bit and we end up kind of wrestling again and ended up me kind of in his lap facing him with our faces like half an inch apart and I can't resist so I lean in the extra half inch and then we are kissing and pawing at each other.

Of course I wrangle my way on top at some point and we are kissing and his is running his hands over my shirt and under my shirt and squeezing my breasts and it is great. And he was really sweet, he paused at one point and wanted to make sure that I knew that he wasn't looking for a relationship and that he didn't want me to get hurt. So I reassure him that it's ok and I will be ok and not turn into a crazy obsessive stalker (apparently he has had trouble with that in the past). I also tell him that he isn't going to get to fuck me (yes I lied about that part). So we keep kissing and touching and I am grinding on him and it is kind of fun because I feel like I am back in high school.

Eventually he ends up taking my shirt off and unclasping my bra and he startings sucking on my nipples (which is a TOTAL turn on) and then he eventually starts biting them and I LOVE it. He unbuttons my shorts, at which point I start protesting that it's not fair that I am the only one that is naked

Somehow I get on top of him and he pauses and says again that he doesn't want to hurt me and I smile and tell him it's ok he's not going to get to fuck me (HA!). So we keep kissing and groping and I find that he really gets turned on when I bite his lower lip. Whenever I would do that he would swear and I finally asked him why. Turns out having his bottom lip bit is a "signal" that blowjobs are going to be given, so of course I laugh and keep doing it. He kind of growls and threatens to rip my underwear off of me and fucke me.

Well.....soon I want to fuck too so off we go. I end up on top and I am grinding and he is biting and slapping my ass, which makes me grind more, which causes him to groan and bite/slap more and it is a lovely vicious cycle until he comes. I, of course, do not come but I totally enjoyed myself anyway.

We take a break and over the course of the next few hours we fuck twice more (with some VERY interesting positions) and I give him a blowjob that was apparently amazing (I don't know how I apparently give good blowjobs, seeing as how I don't have a whole lot of experience, but this is not the first time I have been complimented on such). He keeps asking if I am ok with all this as he is not looking for a relationship and I keep trying to reassure him that this is a REALLY good release for me and I am also not looking for a relationship with him (I wouldn't say no but it isn't feasible right now). We end up cuddling on his couch late into the night and looking at pictures from his family's trip to Italy. Then we go into his bedroom, read a bit, and fall asleep (he started out in a very nice cuddling position but it was too warm so that, unfortunately, did not last the night).

We woke up the next morning and he went to work and I drove myself the rest of the way home. I really AM ok with having slept with him. It was a MUCH needed release and if it happens again I will welcome it and if it doesn't I will have enjoyed the experience greatly!

Better REALLY late than never??

TMI Tuesday: July 19, 2011
by TMI Tuesday blog

Regret is when you decide not to go to the bathroom when you were at the bottom.

TMI Tuesday questions to answer and post, on July 19, 2011, on your own blogs.

REGRETS

1. What was the last thing you regret buying?

Perhaps the ottoman that I just put together....it isn't quite the shade of purple/mauve that I thought it was....

2. What was the last sex toy you regret buying?

I bought a super tiny bullet vibe at a sex toy party that took those tiny watch batteries....not great.

3. Briefly describe a time that you had sex, and you should not have. Why did you do it?

Well I might have sex tomorrow that I will probably regret does that count?

4. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I am ok with the age I am now I guess.

5. A good friend’s significant other flirts with you; would you tell your good friend?

Hell yes! After consulting with out other good friends for support of course!

6. What is your greatest professional regret? For example: Promotions you did not accept; Internship opportunities you did not pursue; Inventions/ideas you did not share.

I didn't try to stay at my internship as a permanent employee and I really should have!!

Bonus: What is your biggest regret?

Not being in gymnastics/starting circus training when I was a small child and/or quitting dance classes when I was younger...

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Maybe...IDK....I'm losing myself

I don't know where to begin at all what so ever.

V
ummm, is coming to my state/area on Thursday for 10 days, wants to see me I think? It is kind of hard to tell. "Fought" with him about, about, us/him/me? Basically told him that the only reason he wants to see me is to fuck me. He said I was making him out to be the bad guy. I tried to explain my position, he said nothing constructive/new/from his own point of view (typical) and I was left wondering if it is possible to break one's own heart? I don't know what I am going to do but all my sources are saying "no, avoid him don't connect with him, don't sleep with him" which I know are the right choices....

Online
K and I and her partner R (online and soon irl) hung out (if you can call it that online) and chatted. Then one of R's good friends, irl and online, A joined us and I didn't really think anything of it until R formally introduced K to him as his partner and there was crying on her part and smiling on mine and things were good. THEN R started talking about how he thinks that A would be a good match for me and that he liked me and how he was a good guy.....and then I hid from the webcam (because if it is just K and R I'll go on webcam, I trust them, and I don't flash them or anything so it is good) and this was after A had said I was cute (which always embarasses me cause I am very bad at accepting compliments). R basically said that K and I were already like sisters so he felt towards me the protectiveness and whatnot that he extends to others in his pack. So I guess the short version is that I am being accepted by these folks online, in this world that I feel is so separate from my real life that I don't know if I want to fall in any deeper. [Add cliche Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole reference here.]

IRL
I am going to the munch tomorrow. I am going to sign up to go to the play party on my birthday. A guy from MDS who lives in Chicago says he might show up tomorrow night.

I feel like I am being stretched in a thousand directions and I'm losing myself. I am almost longing for the school season to begin if only to give myself something to hold onto and center myself. God I hope I don't have a schizophrenic break. That would be really crappy timing....

From last night....

Maybe I'm tired of being the one who tries
Maybe I'm playing the martyr
Maybe I got hurt
Maybe I waver between trying not to get hurt again and doing something I want
I am tired
I know where it leads and I don't want to make that decision
I don't want to be responsible for hurting myself



Can you break your own heart?

To do or not to do??

So guess who is going to be back in town at the end of this month.....V. So now the big question: to V or not to V? Do I go for what I know would be a sure thing, and probably not a bad time but would end badly for me or do I continue flirting with the various others that I have been flirting with??

[side note: texting one irl from an online (non-kinky) dating site, vaguely IM'ing 2-3 from MDS, flirting vaguely with one irl from the munch, and V in reserves, I'm up to 5 potentials...]

I don't think I have anything else tonight....trying to decide if I should let V in again.....

Therapy with myself

Sitting somewhere cozy. Leaning against someone with eyes closed and hands on my shoulders.

Me: It is hard for me to say what I want.

Them: What do you mean?

Me: Laughs Exactly! It is difficult for me to spit out the words and tell someone what I want from them, what I want done to me, what I really need and crave.

Fingers move from shoulders to scalp, massaging.

Them: Why?

Me: Because there is a battle raging inside me where my good upper middle class educated self belittles the devilish lustful slutty little imp self. And I turn out anxious and neurotic.

Them: You aren't neurotic.

Me: Snorts. Clearly you don't know me very well. I build things up then I look like a fool even if only inside my head.

Them: Sounds like a tough audience in there.

Me: Yeah well, they know the script all too well and enjoy mucking about with it.

Them: Is this part of your compliment issue too?

Me: Yeah, I don't believe good things about myself. Laughs. I don't know why half the people who are friends with me are friends with me. Actually, no. I do know. It is cause we are all misfits and we have banded together to survive in a world of non-misfits. They know me, they know my quirks and my my anxieties? But new people, no I have new clue why new people think I am the way they think I am.

Hands leave hair and wrap around my waist, pulling me back.

Them: And how do you think they see you?

Settles into lap further, sighs.

Me: Cute, competent, witty, funny, brave. That is why I am giving it the summer then I will concede defeat and go on to live my life alone.

Them: A forever-aloner?

Me: Sure why not? It is as good an option as any.

Them: You sound so glib about it.

Me: Better glib than depressed and sobbing. Oh strong, I am also supposedly strong.

Them: so what do you need from me? What do you need from this? Gestures to setting

Me: I need, I need, to stop thinking, to be beaten to the point of tears. Beaten with love I guess. I need to be told that it is all fine and I am all fine and that all those things are true about me. But I need to be forced to believe them. I need to be coddled and cuddled and kept warm and drifty. That is what I need.

Them: Then that is what I will provide. It won't be easy and it may not be pleasant, but I can try to give you what you need.

Me: And all I can do is try to accept it.

Them: You will accept it, because I will tell you to do so, and you will leave here happier and freer and with some lovely souvenir bruises.

Black Bile

So I feel kind of like a neurotic ass tonight. I sent the organizer of the play party a list of questions and even though at the time I figured they were somewhat sane if not adequate representations of my thoughts/feelings when I read the reply (which was well thought out and helpful) I felt like my questions made me sound like a neurotic uptight prude of doom (which I kind of am). I just overthink things to the extreme and give myself anxiety. What can I do to stop thinking???

V has been on my mind tonight, mostly cause we haven't talked in....a week? more? I don't even know, but when I see him online, my stomach still gives a lurch and I want to talk to him and say stupid shit to him that I don't even mean cause I am tired and lonely and a little bit sad. It would have been so much easier if he had just been in the same state as me. Then we could....but it's no use speculating on what we could have because the way things worked is that we don't and we aren't and probably will never be.

I just don't know right now. I feel like just running away from the whole "relationship" aspect of the trifecta, not that the career aspect is going any better. I have a phone interview for a place 3 hours south of here. I hope that they want to pay me crap cause I am not moving 3 hours south when I just started getting settled here.

Part of this is just that I am tired and when I get tired I get melancholy. One of my burdens to bear:

• melancholy


• type A


• goody-two shoes complex


• lustful


• planner


• loud


• serious


• overthinker


• dreamer


• romantic
  

But we all have them. It isn't only myself, for example, that is having relationship issues. One of my good friends just ended things with the guy she has been seeing (who is stationed in Italy of all places) for lots of reasons and my cousin is having similar issues that I have/had with V and his girl lives only 1 hr away from him!

I guess it is just one of those days where things feel sad...

Just another Tuesday Evening

Well another Tues munch and I return home more confused and pondery than ever.....

I have no clue what I want any more. Or rather I do but I am pretty sure that it is an impossible dream and I don't know if this direction is going to get me what I want? Maybe? I have no clue!!

What I want is :

• a relationship with a primary partner


• that sexes me good


• and would dominate me good


• and isnt old enough to be my father


• that i could bring home to mother


• lives in my state


• would dominate me in a way that is compatible with how i want to be dominated


• can put up with my type A anxious ways


• and my excessive fears


• will hold me all night long


• is intelligent


• will make me feel loved and valuable

I think that is it for the moment.....

Anyway back to the munch tonight. It was actually pretty quiet. Got patted on the head a few times, got a forehead kiss, and a different forehead kiss, and a lip kiss :) Learned a little bit more of the relationship between a couple of the munchers. Declared my upgrading of attending the play party from "absolutely not" to "probably not." However my cousin (whom I love of course) paid his money for the party....

I am not sure that I can go if he is going. I was offered the potential option of being locked in the cage/cuddle cage for the evening, which actually doesn't sound as bad as it, well, sounds. I could watch or not, converse or not, ruminate or not (although we all know I will). I seriously think I need someone to take my reins and just pull me along. I can't do it myself.....I am a coward. But if I don't do it I will end up regretting it and hate myself that much more...

Better TMI than never!

TMI Tuesday: July 12, 2011
by TMI Tuesday blog
Getting to Know You – Part II



1. Which would you rather do and why?
a. yard work or house work - Housework I guess. There is something so satisfying about sitting down in a room that has everything clean and in its place :)

b. hike or run - Hike!! Running + cyclical vomiting = personal hell! (Although I will admit that I do occasionally force myself to run because a) it is good for me and b) I expends a lot of energy and sometimes I need/want that)

c. outdoor sports or indoor sports - Depends I guess. If it is nice outside then outdoor sports, if it is cold outside then indoor sports I guess. Not a huge sports person so...

d. fast food burger from the drive-thru or sit-down salad -The burger cause I am not really much of a salad person

e. yoga or aerobics - YOGA! I like to do it twice a week it is awesome!

f. ice-cream or cake; what kind? - Too hard! Can't I have my cake AND ice cream and eat them both?

g. ice cubes or hot wax; where? why? - I haven't tried hot wax (but I am VERY curious) and ice cubes are cold so....idk

h. beneath the sheets or on top? - Beneath! Gives me something to cuddle under even when hot and sweaty!

2. What was your favorite subject in high school/secondary school/upper school? - Psychology! That is why I studied it in college and grad school!

3. Do you get a full 8 hours of sleep a night? Why or why not? - Hell no. During the school year I get...maybe 7? During the weekends/summer I sleep a whole lot more!

4. What is your favorite comfort food? - ummmm Cookies maybe? or chocolate?

5. Do you match up your socks after washing and drying them, and before putting them away? - Of course! You mean not everyone does??

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? - Cerulean, cause it sounds cool!

Bonus: When you have sexual dreams or dreams about sex, what does the dream generally involve? Is it a reoccurring theme?

——————

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Cece my Playmate come out and play with me...

Went to the lecture at the local club tonight. It was pretty interesting. The idea of becoming a kink-aware professional is pretty neat to me, I may end up emailing the lecturer and asking him for some career advice.

I also saw some some of the munch-ers there which was pretty cool. I got a head pat and teased one of the guys cause he was fedora-less. I had to leave then though because the after-party was for members only (which I am not). This was somewhat disappointing because I wanted to stick around and chat and flirt a little bit more. It also made me think of the upcoming play party.



I think I want to go but I am a little terrified. I seriously think I need someone to sit with me/hold my hand/distract me so I don't just get overwhelmed, but I am not sure how to tell the people I know that I need a rotating shift of handholders for the event. "So X, you know how I keep saying I am scared? Well....I kind of want to go but could you arrrange for a handholder or handholders for the evening so I don't freak out and leave? Please and thank you."

I am such a coward!!

PISSY

I am so pissed at V.

He has been trying to get a hold of me for a while but due to lack of internet/bad timing we haven’t made contact. This has actually been ok with me as I am tryihng to give him up (as I have previously written).

Anyway he managed to get a hold of me tonight to let me know he quit his job because it was really shitty. When I asked for clarification I got a “I don’t want to talk about it” and a brisk change in subject. Fine, fuck you V. I won’t try to help you with your issues and I am sure as hell not goingto ask what your plans are next. Cause even if you move back to my state, fuck you, it’s over.

So I make some super generic small talk and then what happens, he fucking goes offline! I fucking HATE when he does that. It just infuriates me to no end when I am in the middle of a conversation with someone online and they fucking go offline or stop talking with no transition. V does this all the fucking time and so I give up. I wash my hands of him, done. I had fantasies of being His but I am tired of this, I am tired of playing this game with him.


To top it off I forgot that I have a family wedding tomorrow afternoon and I made plans to go to a kinky lecture in the city tomorrow night. FUCK!

From the Sex Nerd

"So here’s some bad advice:

Single? Want to attract people? Get yourself a soul-devouring passion*.

(*Warning: soul-devouring passion probably obscures your ability to have substantial relationships with the people your passion attracts.)"

http://enagoski.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/a-fishing-show-as-the-sexiest-thing-on-television/

I'd like to thank my cousin...

...for forcing me to go to munches!

Last night was a night of firsts. I went to the munch alone (flyin solo here!), I got not 1 but 2 neck massages (and I am sore today but that may also be due to my new mattress), and I voluntarily reached out for touching! I don't know if the others realized that I was reaching out voluntarily but I knew so that is good. I was actually in a really good mood last night, did some flirting, some chatting.

I feel like I am slowly opening up to that group, it just takes me a while and honestly I am still trying to figure out what I want and where I fit. I sure as hell am still fighting against my "goody two shoes" nature. I really feel like I need someone to push me to go further and figure out what does and doesn't work for me. One of the guys last night was commenting on the difference between what my Fetlife profile interests are and what I talk about at the munches.

He commented that my saying that I was scared to go to a play party because I would get turned on was a "dom" type of comment. In my mind, being scared to be turned on at a kinky event is more about the lurking thought that I am "not supposed to" get turned on by kinky things, that I "should not" be pursuing these sexual interests than a desire to be in control. Or maybe it is a desire to be in control, the type A part of myself that needs to be broken down by someone so that I can let go and experience what turns me on.

That is what I want, to have someone force me to go beyond my need to control myself and to overthink things and clinicalize and rationalize and force me to just be. I think V knew that is what I needed but he isn't here to push me the way I need/want it. I can't go forward by myself, I need someone to hold my hand and guide me and tease that fine line between terror and ecstasy (dramatic much?). And the kicker is I want someone who is dedicated to ME and my needs. It's a tall order.

Touch Talk and Come

I want to be touched today. I want to be stroked or held or hugged or put on someone's lap for a while. Coincidentally, tonight is munch night :) So how do I express my desire to be touched to people that are essentially strangers to me but would be VERY willing to lend me a hand (so to speak)?

Do I just sit down and tell someone "I need to be touched please" ? Do I try the subtle way of edging closer and closer till I practically am sitting in someone's lap? Do I just lean into the head pats and hugs that I will probably receive? Do I take the coward's way out and tell my cousin that I want to be touched and have him tell someone to touch me? (Probably not this.)

In other news I have been requested to get off via phone with an online acquaintance (Z). He has an online Mistress but apparently she has given permission for him to "have a gf" (which I am not planning on being) and he figures getting off with me via the phone is an equivalent behavior. This is also the acquaintance who pushed me too far on a previous night. So far I have avoided this occurrence and I suppose that I should be flattered that people want to get off with/to me.

V has tried talking to me again. I have tried to be cool-y cordial. But of course now I am back to fantasizing about him fucking me and spanking me and generally being sexily rough with me. I seriously doubt he will attempt to visit me in my new place (95% moved in!!) but I don't know what I would say if he asked to visit.....

TMI

TMI Tuesday: July 5, 2011

1. If you could clone yourself, what part of your duties would you hand over to the clone: (pick one)
a. Paying the bills
b. Cooking
c. Having sex with your significant other
d. Going to your job on your behalf

2.When you are performing oral sex on a lover is it generally:
a. Because you are trying to warm them up and have it lead to intercourse
b. You love to give oral pleasure
c. They want it, so you oblige but don’t really like it
d. You like to worship cock or pussy

3. What part of love making does your partner speed through?*
a. seduction
b. foreplay
c. the deed itself

*No current partner but pertains to the last partner I had :)

4. What part do you wish they’d speed through?
I don't necessarily WANT them to speed through any part! But often times it is the foreplay and seduction that are more intense than the deed itself.

5. Who is the last person to grab your ass? When?

Probably one of my my (girl) friend's from high school 2 weeks ago....We are a gropy bunch ^^

Bonus: Describe your partner’s/lover’s/plaything’s/significant other’s penis or pussy in 10 words or less.

See #3 :(

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

You can't always get what you want...

I've given up on V. He isn't giving me what I need/want and when I tell him this he blows me off. This has been happening for a while and I have tried to get past it but I give up. I am tired of interacting only when it is convenient for him. There is a big difference between being someone's sextoy and being someone's convenience. Maybe it is just distance, maybe he just lost interest. Whatever the excuse I am not getting what I need.

Speaking of getting what I need, CM is back in town apparently after his 2 week absence. I was already primed thinking about V so I called him out on it.

Me: where were you for 2 weeks?
CM: wife is home all the time, hard for me to get alone time

...

Me: i am tired of feeling used, of being a convenient way for someone else to get off
CM: sorry
CM: i will leave u alone then

2 minutes later

CM: truely am sorry :(
Me: you arent the only one, apparently it is a theme
CM: hold su tight, cuddles u
Me: sigh :-/
CM: i feel bad now, u knnow i care
Me: saying things doesnt always make them true
CM: fine, wow i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt u
ME: like i said it isnt just you
CM: but i am part of it
Me: not gonna lie i guess
CM: well i apologize

...

CM: wht can i do to help u
Me: nothing, i have been too tired/busy lately and it is making me cranky/melancholy
CM: holds u in my arms
Me: thanks
CM: licks u all over

aaaaaand then he signed off.....fucker