Black Bile

So I feel kind of like a neurotic ass tonight. I sent the organizer of the play party a list of questions and even though at the time I figured they were somewhat sane if not adequate representations of my thoughts/feelings when I read the reply (which was well thought out and helpful) I felt like my questions made me sound like a neurotic uptight prude of doom (which I kind of am). I just overthink things to the extreme and give myself anxiety. What can I do to stop thinking???

V has been on my mind tonight, mostly cause we haven't talked in....a week? more? I don't even know, but when I see him online, my stomach still gives a lurch and I want to talk to him and say stupid shit to him that I don't even mean cause I am tired and lonely and a little bit sad. It would have been so much easier if he had just been in the same state as me. Then we could....but it's no use speculating on what we could have because the way things worked is that we don't and we aren't and probably will never be.

I just don't know right now. I feel like just running away from the whole "relationship" aspect of the trifecta, not that the career aspect is going any better. I have a phone interview for a place 3 hours south of here. I hope that they want to pay me crap cause I am not moving 3 hours south when I just started getting settled here.

Part of this is just that I am tired and when I get tired I get melancholy. One of my burdens to bear:

• melancholy


• type A


• goody-two shoes complex


• lustful


• planner


• loud


• serious


• overthinker


• dreamer


• romantic
  

But we all have them. It isn't only myself, for example, that is having relationship issues. One of my good friends just ended things with the guy she has been seeing (who is stationed in Italy of all places) for lots of reasons and my cousin is having similar issues that I have/had with V and his girl lives only 1 hr away from him!

I guess it is just one of those days where things feel sad...