...for forcing me to go to munches!
Last night was a night of firsts. I went to the munch alone (flyin solo here!), I got not 1 but 2 neck massages (and I am sore today but that may also be due to my new mattress), and I voluntarily reached out for touching! I don't know if the others realized that I was reaching out voluntarily but I knew so that is good. I was actually in a really good mood last night, did some flirting, some chatting.
I feel like I am slowly opening up to that group, it just takes me a while and honestly I am still trying to figure out what I want and where I fit. I sure as hell am still fighting against my "goody two shoes" nature. I really feel like I need someone to push me to go further and figure out what does and doesn't work for me. One of the guys last night was commenting on the difference between what my Fetlife profile interests are and what I talk about at the munches.
He commented that my saying that I was scared to go to a play party because I would get turned on was a "dom" type of comment. In my mind, being scared to be turned on at a kinky event is more about the lurking thought that I am "not supposed to" get turned on by kinky things, that I "should not" be pursuing these sexual interests than a desire to be in control. Or maybe it is a desire to be in control, the type A part of myself that needs to be broken down by someone so that I can let go and experience what turns me on.
That is what I want, to have someone force me to go beyond my need to control myself and to overthink things and clinicalize and rationalize and force me to just be. I think V knew that is what I needed but he isn't here to push me the way I need/want it. I can't go forward by myself, I need someone to hold my hand and guide me and tease that fine line between terror and ecstasy (dramatic much?). And the kicker is I want someone who is dedicated to ME and my needs. It's a tall order.
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