Hello my name is...

So J thinks being called "Daddy" is hot.  I have never really thought about calling anyone "Daddy" in a sexual way but I HAVE had some serious thoughts about wanting a daddy type dom.  A dom who is not always fierce and scary and violent, but can cuddle and comfort and care after he has ravaged me.

J is that kind of dom.  He hits me and marks me and calls me names and fucks me roughly then lets me come and holds me tight, stroking my hair, talking softly to me while I convulse in his arms unable to speak.  And I absolutely love him for it.  There have been moments lately where I have felt the...urge/desire to call him Daddy.  Not only because I know he likes it and it turns him on but because he holds me and caresses me and loves me with his body and his words and his looks.

We had anal sex last week.  My first time.  It was amazing.  He made me touch myself while he talked me through it and told me I was a good girl.  While he was inside me I came.  Hard.  And suddenly.  One minute I was moaning into the bed and then next I was screaming that I was cumming.  Screaming his name and "Oh my god."  And then I was convulsing, couldn't move, even more so than usual.  And he held me tight and told me how amazing it was for him that I climaxed with his cock inside my ass.  He didn't finish but it was so amazing and so...love filled (course maybe that was the climax talking).

Update

J and I have been exploring some play with the toys he bought at a local kinky auction earlier this month.  He bought a pair of rabbit fur lined cuffs, a collar (that we eventually had to trade in for a different one that fits), and a metal ring with 4 chains/hooks attached.  He put the cuffs and collar on me and put his own velcro cuffs on my ankles.  then he hooked me up to the chains and hit me with his hand and a spatula.

We decided that it would be better if the chains were shorter but that may require a trip to Dom depot in the future.  I am kind of excited because this Saturday we have scheduled a "Cuddle/Monkey Day."  In other words, a day of alternating between cuddling on the couch/in bed and having crazy kinky monkey sex :) We also have a roundtable discussion on polyamory and a superbowl party on Sunday.  It is going to be a crazy weekend.

We were sitting on my couch after a long day at work today and he noticed that I am subscribed to "Kinky Buddhists" on the kinky facebook.  He began to argue about how one could be both Buddhist and into BDSM and started to...annoy me.  Maybe I interpreted it poorly but I guess I saw it as a challenge to my beliefs.  While I am not an active "car carrying" buddhist I feel an affinity for the spirituality that it encompasses that I think is...lacking? misguided? misinterpreted? in Christianity and its various branches.

It bothered me at the time but J is just...blunt like that

Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.

Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.

Making Sense

Went on a date with the archaeologist (aka Dr. Jones) this weekend, lunch nothing special and we texted a bunch back and forth this evening.  I like him, he is smart and we have a lot to talk about.  We actually ended up having a conversation about sex and porn tonight (a fun topic for sure) and he made me laugh.  I don't know if he is more serious material but I do like him. 
Been talking to V more.  He is really coming into his dominant side with me...well at least online.  He seems to be getting into it that is for sure.  He is planning on visiting my town mid-December so I will probably get fucked and slapped around a lot :D

Speaking of getting fucked, I have a new policy of not sleeping with people unless I am dating them.  I think that this is gonna save me a lot of stress in the future....

My evening with MNF.....we watched  Thor, he started rubbing/scratching my back and ass and I started moaning and writhing a bit.  Then he got hot and bothered and took off my shirt/bra.  He bit me (which we all know I love) and I ended up giving him a blowjob.  We went to get a snack at the gas station after and he apparently felt like post-blowjob talk cause he talked about his friendship with my cousin and how he has been moody and whatever.  Then he flat out said that he didn't want to date me.  That was a blow to my ego, I am good enough to make him cum but not to date....and he does not seem to understand that if we hang out together we end up fooling around.  So once again I am going to have to not hang out with him so that I do not get hurt.

Going to be seeing the gentleman next weekend.  Spending time with him and his sub will be nice.  I feel the need to get beaten......

Haven't heard a whole lot from Almost Date.  Pretty sure nothing is going to happen with that, at least nothing serious...We hung out after the munch and talked a bit about his other play partners (at least 4 that he mentioned various distances away from him) and how he doesn't play that much supposedly (1-2 times per month). And of course he reiterated that he is looking for a permanent partner blah blah blah.  Sigh, I will probably give up on him too...

Trying to find a spot to hang out with my Kitten friend in the big city next weekend since I will be home for Thanksgiving.  Don't know if he will end up tying me up, due to time constraints, but yeah.

Did a lot of errands yesterday (got a new driver's license, almost bought a mini crop at a livestock store, bought new clothes for work, bought groceries).  Made cookies and buckeyes for next week.

Talked dirty with My Ninja Friend for a bit, it is pretty hot he makes me twitch.  Actually, I have been twitching pretty easily lately...Not sure if it is because I have become more conditioned to it or what...  i think he is the closest to my ideal kind of partner.  I do not think I could be his partner because of distance and other complications but in temperment and whatnot I find him very...reassuring and safe.

Post Play Date #1

Random Thoughts on a (play) date with Almost-Date

It was good....and yet i feel somwhat neutral...
I'm not sure why exactly, maybe I was just really tired or numbed out or something
He would like an act II
I enjoyed my evening, we made out and there was some slight removal of clothing and biting which was fun
I think he smells good and I do like him
Idk if it is a like like kind of thing and he DOES have a lot of play partners which, in theory, would be better if it didn't bother me but it isn't my ideal situation....
In theory I could be ok with that if I had more information (who and how many would be a good start I guess) but at this point it isn't my place to be THAT girl
And even if it was (which I have been told for safety and health etc) I am not good at all asking those questions w/o feeling like I am intruding/nagging etc
I AM going to adopt a policy of not sleeping with someone unless I am dating dating them though

Choices

So last night my friend K broke up with my ninja friend.  This has been a long time in coming and it really upset me for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that I held them up on a pedestal as a kinky couple or the fact that I know that my ninja friend would become absolutely heartbroken and I would want to pick up the pieces.  But in my head I know that I cannot and SHOULD NOT be the one to pick up his pieces. 

On another note, my ninja friend asked me a question last night regarding my almost date:

Ninja Friend: ...find out if [he] likes to play with all the newbies taht come to his territory or if hes selective...
...
Purple: informant #2 "[He] has only tied me up a couple times but that is it. He is great at that. And it is fun. ...He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around. He does have a couple play partners. I do not know what they do specifically other than that they play..."

So I asked him about it.

Purple: do you play with all the new girls that are in the area?
Almost Date: Nope
...
Almost Date: Well?
Purple: thats it
Almost Date: I have played with many people. I currently have a number of play partners however I don't get to see them very often. I consider myself single and looking. I am looking for "The One" The girl I'll marry.

And then I ran away from both of them.  Almost Date called me a couple of times, left me a voicemail, and texted me.  I ignored his calls, didn't return the text, deleted the voicemail.  I texted him today and apologized using the breakup as an excuse.  He was upset, thought that I would never speak to him again etc etc.  I just wish things were easier, that I made all the right choices, that I was suave and certain and knew that I was doing the right thing.....

Almost Date: The Saga Continues

So I went to a kinky event this weekend. I was planning on heading to another Halloween type party that night so I was all gussied up at Little Red Riding Hood (nailed it btw) but others were also dressed up in various ensembles so it was all good. It was a potluck/social/play event for the local communities.  It was a good time, there were a bunch of people from the munch....including almost-date guy.  So, after a rousing game of 'let's make purple blush and look at the floor' we had our potluck, played a game of Taboo (tops v bottoms, bottoms won by a landslide :) ) and then they began setting up for the play part of the evening. 

A couple of the girls headed off to use the facilities and I went to join (cause pee parties are all the rage now).  Well on my way there I was....cut off by almost date guy.  He asked if I would like him to tie me up that evening and...started touching me.  Not like groping, but those soft caressy touches that just make me melt.  So, we ended up talking in the storage room (while they were trying to store stuff) which didn't work so we ended up talking a bit outside.  All I can really remember is he asked me some questions one of them being what was I afraid of or something like that and when I finally was able to say something I basically said that I was afraid of getting hurt/letting go.  Which is true, true for many people I would say.  I remember him complimenting (?)/commenting on how fast I got all dreamy/sub spacing.

It was chilly outside and somehow I was able to say that I didn't want to play (due to not being a public player) but that we could go inside and sit and whatever.  So we go inside and sit and I end up sitting on the floor resting my head on his leg.  He touched me and made me twitch/float.  He tied my wrists together and petted my hair and called me a good girl, and made me suck his finger.  It was....good I think.  I mean I get twitchy/floaty pretty easily in the right circumstances, which is kind of embarassing for me because I get so sensitive. 

Because we were kind of off to the side and I had my eyes closed the while thing I didn't feel AS public as I really was.  Even now I am avoiding thinking about that particular aspect.  Eventually I had to "sober up" and did so somewhat reluctantly.  Drank some water, got the chills, drank some mulled cider, didn't get as much post-float touching as I like but a) I didn't voice this and b) I think he was trying not to set me off again.  We talked a little bit, I was gonna head to my next party, he had another party that he was going to go to so we were going to part ways.  He ended up asking if I wanted him to go back to my place (which I rejected because I am trying to avoid making bad choices) and he ended up calling me as I was the way to my other party to ask to go with me.  He claimed that he wanted to spend more time with me and would rather do that at a party with people he didn't know than go to his friend's party. 

I guess I am just confused as to his motivation and I am worried that I am going to be landing in another situation where it's all physical and while I most definitely enjoy that aspect I really do want more....

I don't know if it is that I don't trust him to essentially use me or that I don't trust myself to not allow myself to be used by someone that has the ability to get me all floaty.  My ninja friend told me that I need to figure both those things out and, while I agree, I don't know how to.  It is almost enough for me to go find someone to talk to about all of this but.......yes but...

All things Kinky....

So I made the leap and posted a shout out on the kinkster page for my soon to be new home town (formerly my college/grad school town). I got all kinds of lovely welcoming replies which is nice and actually gives me hope for being able to transfer my kinky self to the central part of the state in a positive way :)

I hung out with My Fellow Sub this evening and we had a lovely chat. I am not sure about our friendship. She appears to have some pretty bad self-esteem/self-image issues and although I do my best to provide friendliness and not therapy-ness I am always afraid that I end up slipping into therapy mode. Also she got super attached to me which isn't necessarily where I stand with her.

Apparently she totally took my nervous laughter/wittyness as confidence and ditzyness and popularity. Boy that just wowed me! I have never thought of being thought like that by anyone but she saw it as me being just another pretty girl who got all the guys!! I am kind of glad we got to talk about that honestly and I hope I was able to let her see that I do not see myself as popular or giggly at all!

We actually talked about a lot of things, mostly kink of course, but we talked about her relationship with the gentleman and what she is looking for in a significant other (she does not see the gentleman as an option and apparently he feels similarly). She didn't SAY she was envious but I could kind of hear in her voice that she is envious of the supposed fact that the gentleman actively wants to play with me and has said some negative things towards her (again the self/body image thing comes into play). I still deny being attractive to people though so >P

On a separate note, I mulled over the idea of public vs private and realize that my sense of "public" is a lot more than just, say a play party event or exhibitionism. It also includes people outside of the circle of privacy for a particular event. For example, there are only certain people with whom I discussed the details of the playdates and only a few that I would even want to know that it ocurred.....so privacy does not only mean privacy during the actual playing but also the knowledge of the event and talking about it...

I am really tired so I suppose I am just rambling at this point....

Post-Playdate Jealousy

So since I had the two playdates (1 & 2) this past week I think I have been craving another session. The fellow sub has been chatting with me about the updates of her relationship with the gentleman and I think I am feeling a little jealous that she gets regular access to outlets. Of course this is nothing new and unusual, I have had lots of jealous-type feelings before, this is just post playdate jealousy I guess. But I do not begrudge her the gentleman at all and indeed I do not know that I would pursue a "real" relationship with him as he has the sub and another playmate and I think I need to update my list of needs to "in person and regular contact/interaction."

As I have stated before it is ever evolving.

Playdate Pt 2.2

So to complete the story...

Slept in the same bed as him for the night, lots and lots of skin to skin contact (pants remained firmly in place on both parties). He was very toasty which was kind of nice but I never get a super good night's sleep when I sleep all wrapped up in someone. I am not sure if I am just not used to it, if I get too warm, or if I just can't sprawl like normal.

Anyway we wake up and he starts tormenting me again, only this time I definitely felt more of a....sexual charge maybe? Perhaps it was the being in bed part of things, perhaps it was the morning wood element that came into play, or perhaps it was just that arousing?

At some point, after being brought to twitching again, he asked me to tell him what I wanted him to do to me, where of course I blanked, so I told him to blindfold me (which really I wanted the night before too but ha! hadn't mentioned it at all) and he did. Then he asked AGAIN, what I wanted him to do to me, and I blanked and the only thing I could think of was to tell him to touch me. Now in my head I am pretty sure I was asking him to touch my crotch but I was saying it in Purplese which is a very subtle language.

So he says that I have to tell him where or else he is just going to touch me where he wants. Well I donlt say anything so of course he starts grabbing/massaging/rubbing my crotch and then my pants/underwear came off. He played with the outside of me for a while, gently, tapping and massaging and that was lovely. Then he just jackhammered the shit out of my lady bits. I am not gonna lie some of the jackhammering was nice but
1) it was too intense for me
2) I got self conscious about being "a hard nut to crack" (as I had told him previously)
3) I have been having sensitive lady part issues

So I gasped at him to stop then he hugged me and held me while I just twitched and twitched and twitched. I don't remember the exact wording but I asked him some variation of "what do you want now?" and he kind of laughed and said he was hoping for some reciprocation.

He told me to lick and nibble at his neck/shoulder then move down and do the same for his nipples, one at a time, then his pants came off and I touched him. He directed me in my blowjobness which was a little nerve wracking for me because I've never been "directed" per se when doing that so I was kind of worried I wasn't doing it as well as maybe he was used to. He actually requested for an interesting technique. I made the "ok" sign with either hand and he had me wrap one around the base of him and one next to my mouth encircling the tip. He ended up totally controlling the rhythm, which was fine by me, and then he came for a looooooong time. He was very gentlemanly and warned me that there would need to be a position change if I didn't want it in my mouth, but I am ok swallowing so I did. Then he pulled me back up to him, kissed me and told me I was a good girl and I smiled and was happy.

We ended up going to lunch after that and having a nice chat before he went off to run errands and go home and the like.

I am sure that I am forgetting details of that morning because I know for a fact there was a lot more biting in lots of places (neck, stomach, breasts, thigh at one point) and other fun stuff that was a repeat of the day before but I will leave that up to your imagination :)

Playdate Pt 2.1

Why is it so hard for me to ask for what I want?



So after the initial playdate went well I was asked if I wanted to do so again. I replied in the affirmative so my fellow sub passed the word on to her male partner (same as before) and due to scheduling issues the only time we would both be in town before I move was last night. So...Wednesday night have a playdate, take Thursday off, and Friday have a second playdate (flying solo). Whew!

She asked if I wanted it to be the three of us or just myself and him and I told her it would be interesting to fly solo because of course I couldn't be greedy and say "no I'd like to see if I can handle it by myself and see what happens." So we set it up that he would come to my place after he got done w/ work and after I had arrived home from looking at places to live for my move.

He shows up around 8, we sit and chat for a bit and he begins to tickle me, similar to Wednesday, playing with the nape of my neck, my arms, my waist etc etc. I had suggested that more ropework would be fun and so he pulled out his ropes and declared a game. He would tie me up then I would have 2 minutes to attempt to get out and if I couldn't I would have to remove a piece of clothing. Now I was only dressed in 4 pieces of clothing (underwear, bra, yoga pants, t-shirt) and the pants were going to stay ON but I was game for at least two rounds.

First, he tied my arms behind my back and did something where it harnassed around my shoulders. I attempted to get out but I can't dislocate my shoulders so round 1 went to him. As he was untying my arms he suprise de-shirted me and we did a round 2. This time he started with my wrists in front of me and then pulled them over my head and created a harness that went around my hips and between my legs. Well I REALLY tried to get out of this one but alas. There went the bra.

Then he tried to make me come up with the next "consequence" for the same game and I told him "I've got nothing." In Purplese this means "I can't tell you what I want because I don't know/I want you to know/I can't force myself to say what I want." So instead, he decided to tie my feet/ankles together and try a little breast bondage (in the name of science of course) after touching/tickling/biting me while laying on my floor. So he wrapped my tits up in some rope with the goal being increased sensitivity. I do believe it worked.

Now this time, the only toys involved were rope and him and his claw/pokey finger attachments. So while I was tied up he pretty much sat on me and poked me and pinched me and bit me and scratched me and I twitched and made noises for a while.

At some point he grabbed my hair and pulled me to my feet, hauling me over to my couch and spanked me for a while. This wasn't as effective because 1) I was still wearing my yoga pants and 2) he really didn't hit me that hard. At that point the breast bondage was starting to impede my ability to be put over his knees properly so he pulled me onto his lap and undid it then held onto me while I shivered and twitched for a while. He definitely aggravated it by rubbing my back and arms and occasionally pinching my nipples to produce an especially strong twitch.

Now mind you, all of this twitching is totally involuntary. It was like when you get your knee hit with the hammer at the doctor's office and your leg jumps, only it was my legs, my hips, my back, and my head shaking at different times and different intensities.

It took me a while to "come down" from all that sensation but I eventually did and he positioned me so I was straddling him and we kissed while he pinched my nipples some more.

(I must say while he is VERY good at getting me twitchy his kissing technique leaves a little to be desired. Maybe it is because he is very aggressive in the moment? I don't know.)

Anyway, at some point I am just a twitchy mess of twitchiness and he suggests that lying down on my bed would be a better choice than trying to curl up on my admittedly small loveseat. I agree and try to stand up to walk to the bedroom (maybe 10 feet away) and stumble. Yup my body is a little drunk, but I make it and we lie there and cuddle for a good long time more. Eventually I look at the clock and it is 1230 so I ask, "Did you want to head home now or do you want to crash here, cause I don't care." He looks at the clock and figures he should probably crash here if that is ok. I assure him that it is and, after a bit, turn off the living room light and do some bathroom stuff then crawl under the sheets with him (now shirtless as well but still panted) and sleep.

This concludes Playdate Part 2 Subsection 1!

Playdate

So I had my playdate last night and it went pretty well. We ended up kind of cuddling on the couch (the three of us) and I was really tired and got kind of giggly and loopy and started talking about how I was pro-blanket and how I would vote for a blanket president and then I said that he would make "blanket policies" and started giggling and could not stop! lol

It was at that point that my compatriots high fived each other across me and gave themselves a check plus on the evening. Eventually we got up and had pie and berries so it was successful although I was sooooo tired afterwards.

Anway back to the beginning. The plan was for me to go to the girl's house (a fellow sub) and she was gonna make dinner then she and the guy would torture me for the evening :)

Well I ended up eating dinner with my ankles tied to the chair. We ate made small random chit chat and he came up behind me with this leather thing and held it around my neck while the two of them started running the fingers up and down my arms which made me shiver uncontrollably. They spent some time doing that and raising my arms above my head so they had better access to my arms/side. I got....not floaty exactly but very relaxed and sleepylike.

At some point he wrapped another piece of rope around her neck like a collar then wrapped one around me so they could do the same thing with me standing upright. It was kind of difficult to walk/stand still lol. I believe that is when my shirt came off.

Eventually I got pushed down on my knees and my bra was removed (for easier access) and got played with that way until I was laid flat on my back and tied in a "T" shape to the sofa/clothing rack. That actually didn't last too long as I pulled the clothing rack over in my twitching. Around then my skirt came off leaving me with underwear and leggings.

So they continued touching and teasing and I continued squirming. Then they discovered that pinching and biting my nipples is a good way to get me moaning (I could have told them that but of course I couldn't) and they used that pretty liberally. I did get turned on my stomach and paddled/flogged a little on my back/ass (I've been hit WAY harder but I have no problem with him not going full throttle on me) and a little bit of breast flogging which was kind of....meh? Again I've had harder interactions. Oh AND I got nipple clamps put on me and had to hold the chain in my mouth (which was only semi successful) which I kind of liked. ^^

My ankles were untied at one point because I squirmed so much that I was becoming a harder target to get at. They ended up both sitting on me because I just kept squirming out of reach (I swear it was instinctive). He also used a combination of biting/pinching my nipples and breathplay which was kind of interesting.

I guess we had been playing for a while at that point and my wrists were getting sore so I got untied hauled over to the couch and had my arms bound behind me while they positioned themselves on either side of me. Silly me I thought they were done but they just couldn't resist making me whimper with some more nipple play while I was arm bound and helpless.

At some point they stopped for good and my wrists then arms were un bound and we just kind of sat there and cuddled (for lack of a better word) and I giggled.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself but was sooooo tired after :)

He's coming over tomorrow night to torture me some more......crack crack crack goes the good girl candy coating.... :D

I don't know.....

So my kinky world has had some interesting interactions.

Started playing online again with a previous acquaintance. Not sure how I feel about it. I like it but...

A) he pushes pretty hard
B) he just jumped right in to the using all my toys on me
C) he jumped right in to calling the possessive and making rules about things (which I follow)
D) we play on cam but he sees me and I don't see him
E) he never says whether he enjoys it or not

So IDK how I feel about the whole thing....

Then there is the guy from MDS who also attends the munch and with whom I talk online as well. He has expressed his interest in me more than once and has invited me to a couple of events in the city. He has called me "delicious" and talked about tying me up, but I just don't feel it. He is a nice enough guy but I don't think it is going to happen, which makes me feel guilty cause I DO NOT want to lead him on but I want to be kind at the same time....it's tricky.

And tomorrow is my playdate (for which I got lots of shit tonight I might add) which I am somewhat nervous about but also excited and kind of....guilty for being excited maybe....or uncomfortable because I am gonna push myself with this and what if I like it and even more what if I don't????

:/

BAZINGA!

Wow just crazy omgness of a day/night!

I accepted a job 2.5hrs away from my current location which would negate my being able to attend the current munch with the current people therein.

I told some of them at the munch this evening and was told now I have to make the last month of being in town especially kinky. Well of course I laughed it off. Well I ended up sitting/chatting with a small group of people, 2 of whom I have chatted with at the munches/online/on fet for a bit now and 1 who i met through the other site I am on who happens to live in the area. Anyhow, the upshot was that I got tickled a little and teased a little. Near the end of the night the one guy pulled out a length of silk cord that he had in his pocket and tied my wrist. He kind of played with it for the rest of the time. At one point he left to wash his hands and tied my wrist to the chair I was sitting in! It was fun.

So I get home and start talking to the girl from this evening who wanted to know if she should "encourage a rerun" and I said yes so she is arranging a dinner/play date for next week with her and the wrist tier! So I said yes and we discussed the particulars (kink wise) so yeah next week I am going to have dinner at her place with her and the wrist man and have some play times......EEP!!! :D

So while I am talking to her I am talking to the other guy that was at the munch (from the other site) who has indicated his interest in me a couple of times and, apparently now that I am a limited commodity, has upped his ante and wants to get together to tie me up! OMG so I said ok. Again, particulars were discussed, I think we will end up at my place or maybe my cousin's since I don't really feel comfortable going to the guy's place...

AND while I am talking to them I am talking to the girl my group of friends "adopted" she mentions that the sexytime plans that she and her essentially-fiance made for the upcoming weekend had to be cancelled. :( And she also mentioned that "....that [essentially fiance] thinks you're cute so there's potential of talking him into playtime for both of us at some point"

HOLY CRAP 2 play dates and the possibility of a third with a new friend of mine!!!! My head exploded a touch tonight. It was pretty great!!

Dreams...

So last night I dreamt that I went to a play party/overnight retreat that started at 10pm. Somehow I ended up helping the food provider (as the kitchen needed to be moved from one wall to another) and finished at 2am. I spent almost the entire party IN THE KITCHEN! Then I was annoyed/depressed cause I had missed so much and kind of refused to play/participate/socialize the rest of the time and was super pissed cause when I went in the "dark room" (apparently it was a room that was supposed to be pitch black so people could grope anonymously) the sun was coming up and it was obviously not dark in there anymore (why a "dark room" would have windows is a mystery). I also remember something about a scavenger hunt of some sort and I remember that one the munch leaders was there (one of the members I kind of have the hots for)sitting at the cafeteria style table watching me.

Well it doesn't take a genius to decipher what this dream meant. I DID kind of spend the whole play party in the kitchen (granted it was totally open to the play space and there were many people socializing there with me throughout the night) but I also wandered around a little bit. But I think that this dream is also me telling myself that I wish I could have played, that I WANT to play with someone, or rather that I want to have someone to play with....

Play Party Wrap-Up

So I went to the party tonight and it was very enlightening. While I only watched/socialized it was one of those self-realization type experiences....I am glad I went. :)

Random things I realized:

There are only 2 people at the munch that I would consider full on topping me (but would be open to possibly a third)

There are only 4 people total I would feel comfortable topping me (oneof them is not big into kinky so that would prove difficult and one of them is V)

I don't think I would necessarily feel comfortable actually full on playing at a party because I am sooooo not an exhibitionist

I like a more sensual/DS-y kind of play more than SM-y kind of play

Slapping is totally good punching could be interesting but looks dangerous and more ouchie than I think I want

Violet wand could be a lot of fun....

I really want A (as in singular), person that I can explore this stuff with, it just takes me a long time to get to the point with someone that I would trust them to beat me and tease me silly

Scenes that I witnessed and my reactions (if any) to them:

Reaaaaally long and VERY intense interrogation scene (too much for me by a million!)

Tease and denial of guy (hot but seen from afar)

REALLY hot kind of mindfuck-y, biting, pinching, ass slapping, kind of scene that I would love to try

Various tying up of people by other people, some more complex than others, some with additional stimulation, (again something on my curious list)

A kind of sensation play/tease scene which also looked fun

A flogging (by one of the people whom I would TOTALLY let touch me in private)

Some foot worshipping (meh)

Spanking (always nice)

Overall, I was really pleased that I went. I may not go to another party anytime soon but I have had the experience and found that I can survive it, dare I say enjoy it?

Of course now I want to talk to V and have him beat me then fuck me but meh ::shrug::

Just another Tuesday Evening

Well another Tues munch and I return home more confused and pondery than ever.....

I have no clue what I want any more. Or rather I do but I am pretty sure that it is an impossible dream and I don't know if this direction is going to get me what I want? Maybe? I have no clue!!

What I want is :

• a relationship with a primary partner


• that sexes me good


• and would dominate me good


• and isnt old enough to be my father


• that i could bring home to mother


• lives in my state


• would dominate me in a way that is compatible with how i want to be dominated


• can put up with my type A anxious ways


• and my excessive fears


• will hold me all night long


• is intelligent


• will make me feel loved and valuable

I think that is it for the moment.....

Anyway back to the munch tonight. It was actually pretty quiet. Got patted on the head a few times, got a forehead kiss, and a different forehead kiss, and a lip kiss :) Learned a little bit more of the relationship between a couple of the munchers. Declared my upgrading of attending the play party from "absolutely not" to "probably not." However my cousin (whom I love of course) paid his money for the party....

I am not sure that I can go if he is going. I was offered the potential option of being locked in the cage/cuddle cage for the evening, which actually doesn't sound as bad as it, well, sounds. I could watch or not, converse or not, ruminate or not (although we all know I will). I seriously think I need someone to take my reins and just pull me along. I can't do it myself.....I am a coward. But if I don't do it I will end up regretting it and hate myself that much more...

Cece my Playmate come out and play with me...

Went to the lecture at the local club tonight. It was pretty interesting. The idea of becoming a kink-aware professional is pretty neat to me, I may end up emailing the lecturer and asking him for some career advice.

I also saw some some of the munch-ers there which was pretty cool. I got a head pat and teased one of the guys cause he was fedora-less. I had to leave then though because the after-party was for members only (which I am not). This was somewhat disappointing because I wanted to stick around and chat and flirt a little bit more. It also made me think of the upcoming play party.



I think I want to go but I am a little terrified. I seriously think I need someone to sit with me/hold my hand/distract me so I don't just get overwhelmed, but I am not sure how to tell the people I know that I need a rotating shift of handholders for the event. "So X, you know how I keep saying I am scared? Well....I kind of want to go but could you arrrange for a handholder or handholders for the evening so I don't freak out and leave? Please and thank you."

I am such a coward!!

It's hard to say "bye-bye!"

So as I may have mentioned before, I want to be with V, alas due to distance that is currently (potentially future-y) not an option. He has also been pretty MIA when it comes to the dirty talk time on the interwebs so I have been subsidizing my chatting with other people. Now I have been chatting fairly regularly with CM (up until mmm 2 weeks ago maybe?) and occasionlly with 3 other gentlemen. Now maybe this makes me a slut but IDK what I'm doing and just kind of floating around.

Anywho, so I have been talking with Z and kind of playing online truth or dare (mostly truth) and the other day he totally pushed it so I stopped talking to him and he apologized and apologized and I talked to him tonight.

Well I realized that I don't think I want to go around flashing him and having him flash me. Not because he is a bad person or he is too pushy or what have you, but I'm kinda just not interested in him. So I asked another online acquaintance for a suggestion as how to gently indicate my disinterest:

"As much as I would normally like to see this progress, I must admit that I have my eye on someone else, and would like to see it furthered. I think continuing might endanger that, and I wouldn't like that to happen, but I would like to remain friends if you don't mind...."

So clever! I will use the next opportunity I get!