I know

So My Ninja Friend and I have been having increasingly steamy conversations with each other.  Well tonight he was talking to me on the phone while touching himself and came on the phone with me.  Immediately I became depressed because the first thought that came into my head was "He is now just going to use me to get off when he is horny just like everyone else I know because that is all I am to them."

And I know if I tell him this that he will vehemently deny it and will try to convince me and I know that this is just a negative cognition in my head (along the lines of "I am not good enough for anything but getting other people off").  But it is gonna stay in my head, cause that is how I am.

I am flawed.  I can't give myself to anyone because I keep repeating to myself that I am not good enough for anything but getting people off while I am left unloved and unfulfilled.  V, MNF, Almost Date.....that is all I am good for, being a tool for guys to get off and then reject when they are sated.  The worst part is, I KNOW that these are just cognitive distortions that come out when I am depressed and I know what I would tell friends that say they are thinking this way......but I can't go and talk to someone about about it because I am supposed to be the expert and know how to fix this issue in others...I just can't do it for myself.

Making Sense

Went on a date with the archaeologist (aka Dr. Jones) this weekend, lunch nothing special and we texted a bunch back and forth this evening.  I like him, he is smart and we have a lot to talk about.  We actually ended up having a conversation about sex and porn tonight (a fun topic for sure) and he made me laugh.  I don't know if he is more serious material but I do like him. 
Been talking to V more.  He is really coming into his dominant side with me...well at least online.  He seems to be getting into it that is for sure.  He is planning on visiting my town mid-December so I will probably get fucked and slapped around a lot :D

Speaking of getting fucked, I have a new policy of not sleeping with people unless I am dating them.  I think that this is gonna save me a lot of stress in the future....

My evening with MNF.....we watched  Thor, he started rubbing/scratching my back and ass and I started moaning and writhing a bit.  Then he got hot and bothered and took off my shirt/bra.  He bit me (which we all know I love) and I ended up giving him a blowjob.  We went to get a snack at the gas station after and he apparently felt like post-blowjob talk cause he talked about his friendship with my cousin and how he has been moody and whatever.  Then he flat out said that he didn't want to date me.  That was a blow to my ego, I am good enough to make him cum but not to date....and he does not seem to understand that if we hang out together we end up fooling around.  So once again I am going to have to not hang out with him so that I do not get hurt.

Going to be seeing the gentleman next weekend.  Spending time with him and his sub will be nice.  I feel the need to get beaten......

Haven't heard a whole lot from Almost Date.  Pretty sure nothing is going to happen with that, at least nothing serious...We hung out after the munch and talked a bit about his other play partners (at least 4 that he mentioned various distances away from him) and how he doesn't play that much supposedly (1-2 times per month). And of course he reiterated that he is looking for a permanent partner blah blah blah.  Sigh, I will probably give up on him too...

Trying to find a spot to hang out with my Kitten friend in the big city next weekend since I will be home for Thanksgiving.  Don't know if he will end up tying me up, due to time constraints, but yeah.

Did a lot of errands yesterday (got a new driver's license, almost bought a mini crop at a livestock store, bought new clothes for work, bought groceries).  Made cookies and buckeyes for next week.

Talked dirty with My Ninja Friend for a bit, it is pretty hot he makes me twitch.  Actually, I have been twitching pretty easily lately...Not sure if it is because I have become more conditioned to it or what...  i think he is the closest to my ideal kind of partner.  I do not think I could be his partner because of distance and other complications but in temperment and whatnot I find him very...reassuring and safe.

Yay for Moscato!

I forgot to mention that I started to cry when I was getting fucked by V. I am not sure if it was because it was so intense that I had some sort of release or if I was so unhappy with the situation that it made me cry. I also remember him asking me if I was ok then kissing the lids of my eyes. The memory makes me smile a bit, a sign that maybe he did care, just couldn't fucking say it....

Anyway, this weekend I hung out with some girlfriends of mine and we ended up having a lovely drunken-kinky-sexy-talk time! I made friends with a new kinky companion!! We totally clicked and it was amazing! she and her bf/almost fiance are slightly kinky and she is gonna go to the munch with me on Tuesday :D

Also my other girlfriend cropped me good (which was lovely) then the next day (somewhat hungover) the three of us went to a vendor fair for a spanking convention in the area. We didn't buy anything but we got to test out a violet wand which was pretty cool. I really like having some gfs that I am totally comfortable talking about kinky things with. Now I just need to find a partner to play with.....le sigh

Bad choices part II

So last night I slept with V again.

I was worried about sleeping with V because I thought I might start having feelings for him again if I did so. I romanticized what our encounter would/could be like. All tender and filled with sweet nothings and "I missed yous" in between the slapping and biting and delightfully rough fucking. I imagined him fucking me, not just that, dominating me, making me his. Ringing my doorbell with collar and leash in hand.

*Wry laugh*

Of course that did not occur. He showed up and there was some very short....not even flirting. I think I knew even when he walked in the door that this wasn't going to bed the fantasy I imagined so I wasn't as into the game as I have been previously. To that effect he really got rough with me.

He hit me harder than he ever hit me before, he slapped my ass, called me his slut, slapped my pussy till I couldn't stand it. All of which was great, but my heart was not in it at all. I think he knew that. He fucked me hard, but it seemed like it was harder for him to get off, like he didn't know what I wanted even though I told him earlier. I know I wasn't near as vocal as I have been in past encounters and it was because my heart and my body weren't really in it.

I guess overall I am more disappointed than anything. I was expecting to be hurt and feel sad because I wanted more from him. Instead I'm disappointed and angry that we couldn't communicate and that our last fucking session turned out so poorly...

Bad choices are bad choices for a reason. All hail the Year of Reckless Abandon.

Bad choices on a stormy night

Bad choices are bad choices for a reason.

"Someday someone will love the fuck out of you." - Anonymous

Maybe...IDK....I'm losing myself

I don't know where to begin at all what so ever.

V
ummm, is coming to my state/area on Thursday for 10 days, wants to see me I think? It is kind of hard to tell. "Fought" with him about, about, us/him/me? Basically told him that the only reason he wants to see me is to fuck me. He said I was making him out to be the bad guy. I tried to explain my position, he said nothing constructive/new/from his own point of view (typical) and I was left wondering if it is possible to break one's own heart? I don't know what I am going to do but all my sources are saying "no, avoid him don't connect with him, don't sleep with him" which I know are the right choices....

Online
K and I and her partner R (online and soon irl) hung out (if you can call it that online) and chatted. Then one of R's good friends, irl and online, A joined us and I didn't really think anything of it until R formally introduced K to him as his partner and there was crying on her part and smiling on mine and things were good. THEN R started talking about how he thinks that A would be a good match for me and that he liked me and how he was a good guy.....and then I hid from the webcam (because if it is just K and R I'll go on webcam, I trust them, and I don't flash them or anything so it is good) and this was after A had said I was cute (which always embarasses me cause I am very bad at accepting compliments). R basically said that K and I were already like sisters so he felt towards me the protectiveness and whatnot that he extends to others in his pack. So I guess the short version is that I am being accepted by these folks online, in this world that I feel is so separate from my real life that I don't know if I want to fall in any deeper. [Add cliche Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole reference here.]

IRL
I am going to the munch tomorrow. I am going to sign up to go to the play party on my birthday. A guy from MDS who lives in Chicago says he might show up tomorrow night.

I feel like I am being stretched in a thousand directions and I'm losing myself. I am almost longing for the school season to begin if only to give myself something to hold onto and center myself. God I hope I don't have a schizophrenic break. That would be really crappy timing....

From last night....

Maybe I'm tired of being the one who tries
Maybe I'm playing the martyr
Maybe I got hurt
Maybe I waver between trying not to get hurt again and doing something I want
I am tired
I know where it leads and I don't want to make that decision
I don't want to be responsible for hurting myself



Can you break your own heart?

To do or not to do??

So guess who is going to be back in town at the end of this month.....V. So now the big question: to V or not to V? Do I go for what I know would be a sure thing, and probably not a bad time but would end badly for me or do I continue flirting with the various others that I have been flirting with??

[side note: texting one irl from an online (non-kinky) dating site, vaguely IM'ing 2-3 from MDS, flirting vaguely with one irl from the munch, and V in reserves, I'm up to 5 potentials...]

I don't think I have anything else tonight....trying to decide if I should let V in again.....

Black Bile

So I feel kind of like a neurotic ass tonight. I sent the organizer of the play party a list of questions and even though at the time I figured they were somewhat sane if not adequate representations of my thoughts/feelings when I read the reply (which was well thought out and helpful) I felt like my questions made me sound like a neurotic uptight prude of doom (which I kind of am). I just overthink things to the extreme and give myself anxiety. What can I do to stop thinking???

V has been on my mind tonight, mostly cause we haven't talked in....a week? more? I don't even know, but when I see him online, my stomach still gives a lurch and I want to talk to him and say stupid shit to him that I don't even mean cause I am tired and lonely and a little bit sad. It would have been so much easier if he had just been in the same state as me. Then we could....but it's no use speculating on what we could have because the way things worked is that we don't and we aren't and probably will never be.

I just don't know right now. I feel like just running away from the whole "relationship" aspect of the trifecta, not that the career aspect is going any better. I have a phone interview for a place 3 hours south of here. I hope that they want to pay me crap cause I am not moving 3 hours south when I just started getting settled here.

Part of this is just that I am tired and when I get tired I get melancholy. One of my burdens to bear:

• melancholy


• type A


• goody-two shoes complex


• lustful


• planner


• loud


• serious


• overthinker


• dreamer


• romantic
  

But we all have them. It isn't only myself, for example, that is having relationship issues. One of my good friends just ended things with the guy she has been seeing (who is stationed in Italy of all places) for lots of reasons and my cousin is having similar issues that I have/had with V and his girl lives only 1 hr away from him!

I guess it is just one of those days where things feel sad...

PISSY

I am so pissed at V.

He has been trying to get a hold of me for a while but due to lack of internet/bad timing we haven’t made contact. This has actually been ok with me as I am tryihng to give him up (as I have previously written).

Anyway he managed to get a hold of me tonight to let me know he quit his job because it was really shitty. When I asked for clarification I got a “I don’t want to talk about it” and a brisk change in subject. Fine, fuck you V. I won’t try to help you with your issues and I am sure as hell not goingto ask what your plans are next. Cause even if you move back to my state, fuck you, it’s over.

So I make some super generic small talk and then what happens, he fucking goes offline! I fucking HATE when he does that. It just infuriates me to no end when I am in the middle of a conversation with someone online and they fucking go offline or stop talking with no transition. V does this all the fucking time and so I give up. I wash my hands of him, done. I had fantasies of being His but I am tired of this, I am tired of playing this game with him.


To top it off I forgot that I have a family wedding tomorrow afternoon and I made plans to go to a kinky lecture in the city tomorrow night. FUCK!

Touch Talk and Come

I want to be touched today. I want to be stroked or held or hugged or put on someone's lap for a while. Coincidentally, tonight is munch night :) So how do I express my desire to be touched to people that are essentially strangers to me but would be VERY willing to lend me a hand (so to speak)?

Do I just sit down and tell someone "I need to be touched please" ? Do I try the subtle way of edging closer and closer till I practically am sitting in someone's lap? Do I just lean into the head pats and hugs that I will probably receive? Do I take the coward's way out and tell my cousin that I want to be touched and have him tell someone to touch me? (Probably not this.)

In other news I have been requested to get off via phone with an online acquaintance (Z). He has an online Mistress but apparently she has given permission for him to "have a gf" (which I am not planning on being) and he figures getting off with me via the phone is an equivalent behavior. This is also the acquaintance who pushed me too far on a previous night. So far I have avoided this occurrence and I suppose that I should be flattered that people want to get off with/to me.

V has tried talking to me again. I have tried to be cool-y cordial. But of course now I am back to fantasizing about him fucking me and spanking me and generally being sexily rough with me. I seriously doubt he will attempt to visit me in my new place (95% moved in!!) but I don't know what I would say if he asked to visit.....

You can't always get what you want...

I've given up on V. He isn't giving me what I need/want and when I tell him this he blows me off. This has been happening for a while and I have tried to get past it but I give up. I am tired of interacting only when it is convenient for him. There is a big difference between being someone's sextoy and being someone's convenience. Maybe it is just distance, maybe he just lost interest. Whatever the excuse I am not getting what I need.

Speaking of getting what I need, CM is back in town apparently after his 2 week absence. I was already primed thinking about V so I called him out on it.

Me: where were you for 2 weeks?
CM: wife is home all the time, hard for me to get alone time

...

Me: i am tired of feeling used, of being a convenient way for someone else to get off
CM: sorry
CM: i will leave u alone then

2 minutes later

CM: truely am sorry :(
Me: you arent the only one, apparently it is a theme
CM: hold su tight, cuddles u
Me: sigh :-/
CM: i feel bad now, u knnow i care
Me: saying things doesnt always make them true
CM: fine, wow i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt u
ME: like i said it isnt just you
CM: but i am part of it
Me: not gonna lie i guess
CM: well i apologize

...

CM: wht can i do to help u
Me: nothing, i have been too tired/busy lately and it is making me cranky/melancholy
CM: holds u in my arms
Me: thanks
CM: licks u all over

aaaaaand then he signed off.....fucker

Work Shiva and Party Oh My!

I accomplished the above things today. Go me.

I was also horny today. I realized this especially on my way to the shiva from work where I ended up trying to touch myself through my pants (difficult). I was supposed to wait for the food and ended up masturbating on the couch in my dad's house (where the shiva took place) while my half sister's bf went to get ice.

I also thought a lot about V. In my perfect world (we all have one and I am sure I have written abou this before) V would take control of me (dare I say own me??) use me as his fucktoy his fuckslut his whore. He would tease me and play with me and make me kneel at his feet with a collar around my neck and the leash in his hand. I want to be His (yup the capital 'H') and I am not sure if this is just a ridiculous fantasy of mine that will never come true. If it is just some romanticized idea of what I think I want with someone who lives so far away.

I am not sure if I should talk to V about this. He calls me his fuckslut, his fucktoy. He thinks what I want is hot (the crop, the collar, being used by him), but IDK if what he wants extends to the degree that I want, and because we don't talk as much as we used to, discussing this with him will be difficult. I've talked to him before about our "relationship" and I always feel not content with how they end because we end up talking over instant message or text and you can't get the whole picture through that.

All I know for sure is I want to be His tonight, to be beaten, and fucked, and loved, and held, and kept safe from everything from the safety of His arms.

Squee!!

Played with V for like 2 seconds via Skype. Made me ridiculously happy. I am not smart lol.

Also made a deposit for an apt for me, myself, and I. :D

Death to the Trifecta!!

Guilt

I need a mea culpa or maybe I just need some sense knocked into me. I want V. It's stupid, I know, to want someone who I question about his want for me, to want someone who has been far away since before I even wanted to be with him.

I want to be fucked. (I totally blame my first partner (way back in October) for setting this off in me and I blame V for getting my kinky juices flowing!) More specifically I want to be fucked by V, tied up and called his slut and worked over hard.

The combination of wanting V and wanting to be fucked has led to CM. This presents another problem as CM already has two lovely ladies of his own (plus a marriage IRL) on the website I frequent. Somehow I have attracted the attentions of at least 3 other gentlemen from this website. One of them really pushed my limits tonight and I just felt an overwhelming sense of guilt about the whole sordid affair.

I feel guilty talking to CM when I want V, I feel guilty wanting CM when he is already involved with multiple ladies, I feel guilty talking to these other gentlemen when I really want V, I feel guilty when I get turned on by other people when I really want V, I feel guilty for wanting V when it is such an obviously bad choice to want him so badly.

And I have no one to share this all with that won't judge me on my relationship choices (or non choices).

Love is....

So I think I might love V. I hate to say it for certain because we haven't spent that much time together IRL but he makes me feel warm and fuzzy and I fantasize about him like crazy. I think I have decided to love him but not be IN LOVE with him, apparently there is a difference, but don't ask me what it is!

I should do some research and write about the nature of love. The philosophy of love, the types of love. That would take a lot of research and time so not right now lol.

Anyway, I think giving him my grocery list of interests sparked his thoughts. We were talking last night and it got pretty hot and heavy (as per usual) and he expressed interest in some of my more kinky grocery items which makes me happy.

I know we would be dating (and having wild monkey sex) if we lived near each other. I just wonder if it is worth it to lust after him so much when we don't live near each other and have no plans to do so...

Why Won't You Answer Me?

I found myself fantasizing about CM tonight and not V....

I am not sure how I feel about this.

A Tale of Two Lovers

So what to say what to say.

I feel rejected by V. We don't talk at all like we used to and I don't know what if anything has caused the change. It could just be him moving to Colorado and having a new job. It could be me saying that I was talking to other people. It could be nothing, it could be everything. I sent him a message on FB saying that, who knows if he'll respond, or what he'll say, in my experience nothing that neutralizes my discomfort. It makes me sad.

I don't know that CM and I are on the same page. He keeps insisting that he just wants to help me by pushing my limits and that he is there for me and wants me to be safe, but at the same time I feel as though our ideas of what I want are different. He, I think, wants more control than I do. I have a feeling I am an "in the bedroom" kind of girl, or at least a "in a relationship" kind of girl. I am not a 24/7 kind of girl. As I told him this evening, I have too much to do in my life to be 24/7. On the other hand, I want to experience some of the darker things, to be controlled, to be hit, to be tied up and used for someone else's pleasure.

I wish I could just not, just give it all up. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I don't know what to do with myself.

Wanting and Loving

I want V to tell me that he wants me, that he wants to be with me, that he misses my skin next to his, tasting me on his lips. I want him to tell me that he misses kissing my forehead, holding my hand, feeling me lean up against him.

Parts of me are ready to give him up (again) but we all know how well that worked the last couple of times I attempted it (read: still talking to him). Then he goes and says things that make me melt and quiver and want him to love me.

V: i want to see your body
V: feel it in my hands

But how can one fall in love with someone so far away? How can one fall in love with someone's virtual self? the argument could be made that one's virtual self is equal to one's "real" self, but if that is the case then why all the questioning? Is it because there are those who actively choose to present themselves as not their real self?

IDK what this started out as and I am definitely sure IDK what it turned out to be but here it is in all its glory :)

Confession

CM suggested I tell V about mds and talking to people on there. So I do.

Me: i've been talking to other people but its not the same :P
V: about the same subjects? :-P
Me: :p what if i said yes
V: then i'd say good for you
V: unless it was your cousin...in which case cue the banjos
Me: what if i said i'd still rather talk to you
V: id smile and say its my bedtime
Me: tell me seriously
V: im glad
Me: so if this were the case would you honestly be ok
V: of course
Me: i'd still rather be with you
V: gnite [purple]

I don't know what I thought would happen. I don't really want him to be super pissed and get angry at me and hate me, but I just can't believe that his response is genuine. Maybe it is because my reaction would be very negative and I would be unhappy? Maybe it is because I am reading too much into his reaction? A man in a chatroom once told another woman, who was trying to read into a guy's words, that men do not say one thing and mean another, or sugarcoat their words. That the literal interpretation is all there is to a man's comments. It this true?

Either way, I feel guilty. Guilt for the act of confessing, now isn't that an oxymoron, confession guilt.