Hello my name is...

So J thinks being called "Daddy" is hot.  I have never really thought about calling anyone "Daddy" in a sexual way but I HAVE had some serious thoughts about wanting a daddy type dom.  A dom who is not always fierce and scary and violent, but can cuddle and comfort and care after he has ravaged me.

J is that kind of dom.  He hits me and marks me and calls me names and fucks me roughly then lets me come and holds me tight, stroking my hair, talking softly to me while I convulse in his arms unable to speak.  And I absolutely love him for it.  There have been moments lately where I have felt the...urge/desire to call him Daddy.  Not only because I know he likes it and it turns him on but because he holds me and caresses me and loves me with his body and his words and his looks.

We had anal sex last week.  My first time.  It was amazing.  He made me touch myself while he talked me through it and told me I was a good girl.  While he was inside me I came.  Hard.  And suddenly.  One minute I was moaning into the bed and then next I was screaming that I was cumming.  Screaming his name and "Oh my god."  And then I was convulsing, couldn't move, even more so than usual.  And he held me tight and told me how amazing it was for him that I climaxed with his cock inside my ass.  He didn't finish but it was so amazing and so...love filled (course maybe that was the climax talking).

Exchange

So J and I are official.  We ended up eating dinner with a local relative and her bf the other night and I felt horribly awkward becuas I could just imagine the conversation that was reported to fellow family membersand the inquisition that could follow.  So far no mention of it from said fellows...maybe the local relative has grown wise in her 20 years on earth and has decided it isn't their business.  More likely she just forgot in the excitement of school starting again but the result is the same.

So J and I exchanged "I love yous" last night.  We went to karaoke with some local kinky people, hung out and did the social thing.  I was a bit nervous at first because the hostess from the party we met at was there and I was slightly concerned about possible drama.  She happened to have her hands full however...or rather a guy had his hands full of her....Anyway it was the first time we've been "out" as a couple with the kinksters and there was some PDA, not too much, but there was some definite dirty talking happening at the end of the night for sure.  We left the bar I pulled J off to the side and attacked his mouth with mine.  Tongues were thrashing, pulses were racing, undergarments were being disturbed.  It was lovely.  Then he decided to tease me as I was driving us back to my place by groping me and touching me while I was trying to drive.  It was very distracting but thank god I made it home OK.

So we get to my place, head upstairs, get ready for bed, and start making out.  He starts fingering me and growling in my ear and just being delightful so I told him I wanted him and he obliged by fucking me ever so slowly.  Yum.  We ended up with me on top (always slightly embarassing for me because I feel a bit like a spectacle) and neither of us finished.  And it was ok.  He makes sex something that isn't porn perfect and is ok.  He asked if I wanted to finish but truly I was content burrowing into him.

We ended up talking and cuddling and touching each other for a while.  He told me he loved me.  We talked a little bit about what that means.  I told him I loved him.  He almost cried I swear.  More touching, kissing, teasing.  I stretched over to turn off the light and he pounced on me, growled in my ear that I was his, that he was going to fuck my ass someday.  I of course moaned my agreement.  We tried to go to sleep a couple of times but ended up groping and touching and kissing each other.  Probably didn't fall asleep till 1 maybe.

Today he almost sent me something (my guess is flowers) to work and we had a pseudo argumnet over him paying for everything.  So far I have given in pretty well but I warned him that time would not last much longer.  He countered by saying he would just spank me if I argued too much....somehow I feel that might be a win-win....

Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.

Dr. Jones and the Third Date of Awesomeness

So I had a third date with Dr. Jones.  It went really really well.  I went over to his place and we watched Evil Dead and most of Daybreakers (a really good movie btw).  So during movie #1 there was no physical contact.  During movie #2 I got cold and borrowed a blanket and he put his hand on my thigh.  He was touching my thigh through my jeans, super gently and innocently but he totally ended up making me shiver, which super amussed him, then he moved to my neck and my ears and my scalp.  He eventually put his hand down my shirt and I started making noises, it was delightful :D. So he told me that I could tell him to stop and I put up a finger to signal a pause while I stopped shivering/caught my breath.

Then I dropped the kinky bomb.  I told him I was kinky (had previously stated that I was interested in sex in an academic sense, PhD and so forth and mentioned that I had recently started perusing some kinky literature) and he appeared totally cool with it.  I told him that I recently discovered that I liked canes, that I like being tied up, bit, hair pulled etc.  I definitely did NOT tell him everything on my list but I confessed the things I thought would show that this was a serious interest and not just a "play" interest.  I told him that I had just started getting into it and that I had some friends that I had explored some stuff with and so forth.  I tried to be honest without being explicit and hoping that he would be ok with it all.  He mentioned that he had done some hair pulling, biting, tying up, and whipping in the past and said that it wouldn't be a problem.  I felt SUPER awkward after I told him because....I guess I was expecting an automatic negative response and even though he gave a somewhat positive response I am still scared that he just said it but didn't really mean it....

Anyway, so then there was a pause and he started licking and kissing my neck and I started making noises.  So he stood up and helped me wobble to his bedroom, took off my clothes, and went down on me.  Holy Hell.  It felt so fucking good!! I was totally not expecting it for sure!!  I didn't climax but omg it was good.  Then we cuddled naked in his bed for a little over an hour.  It was super nice.

So, my thinking is that his positive reaction to my admission really WAS a positive reaction and not just a "I will say yes to get some action" reaction...but then he rainchecked on our planned evening on Sunday so.....that makes me all nervous and self conscious and such again....

70%

So after talking with one of my online friends, I decided to ask him to forbid me from sleeping with MNF again.  He readily obliged and stated:

Me: can you just remind me not to sleep with MNF
Ninja Friend: as per previous agreements you are NOT to sleep with, engage with or otherwise have sex, sexual congress or interbody intimacy of any kinds ith MNF.
Me: ok ninja
Ninja Friend: *hugs* NONE FOR YOU! Be strong. I still love you

So I went over and hung out with MNF earlier this week (we watched old episodes of Dr Who ^^) and we cuddled....and made out....and he stuck his hand down my pants and made me moan a bit.....but I stuck to my guns and all pants remained intact.  He got on this kick of talking about making me cum because only one guy has done the deed (through oral) and he has not gone down on me as of yet so....

Anyway afterward I wrote down some random thoughts that needed to get out of my head that evening:

• So the Ninja Friend plan was 70% success
• pants stayed on
• my shirt came off for <5 mins
• i cried
• he asked "What's wrong?" but all I could say was "I'm ok" and "It's fine"
• I wasn't lying I didn't know how to explain
• It's more than a booty call be less than a relationship
• He is my only local social contact
• He called me beautiful and pretty and said not only does he like cuddling, but he likes cuddling with ME
• I gave him blue balls :(
• He gave himself blue balls......
• I kept saying I'm sorry
• I don't know what to do....
• My instinct is to run away but he is my only local social contact
• He called himself an asshole for hurting me
• Is he hurting me or am I hurting myself??
• It is easier for me to take all the blame and deny than to talk about it and cry

So yeah....I am not sure what....anything

Playdate Pt 2.1

Why is it so hard for me to ask for what I want?



So after the initial playdate went well I was asked if I wanted to do so again. I replied in the affirmative so my fellow sub passed the word on to her male partner (same as before) and due to scheduling issues the only time we would both be in town before I move was last night. So...Wednesday night have a playdate, take Thursday off, and Friday have a second playdate (flying solo). Whew!

She asked if I wanted it to be the three of us or just myself and him and I told her it would be interesting to fly solo because of course I couldn't be greedy and say "no I'd like to see if I can handle it by myself and see what happens." So we set it up that he would come to my place after he got done w/ work and after I had arrived home from looking at places to live for my move.

He shows up around 8, we sit and chat for a bit and he begins to tickle me, similar to Wednesday, playing with the nape of my neck, my arms, my waist etc etc. I had suggested that more ropework would be fun and so he pulled out his ropes and declared a game. He would tie me up then I would have 2 minutes to attempt to get out and if I couldn't I would have to remove a piece of clothing. Now I was only dressed in 4 pieces of clothing (underwear, bra, yoga pants, t-shirt) and the pants were going to stay ON but I was game for at least two rounds.

First, he tied my arms behind my back and did something where it harnassed around my shoulders. I attempted to get out but I can't dislocate my shoulders so round 1 went to him. As he was untying my arms he suprise de-shirted me and we did a round 2. This time he started with my wrists in front of me and then pulled them over my head and created a harness that went around my hips and between my legs. Well I REALLY tried to get out of this one but alas. There went the bra.

Then he tried to make me come up with the next "consequence" for the same game and I told him "I've got nothing." In Purplese this means "I can't tell you what I want because I don't know/I want you to know/I can't force myself to say what I want." So instead, he decided to tie my feet/ankles together and try a little breast bondage (in the name of science of course) after touching/tickling/biting me while laying on my floor. So he wrapped my tits up in some rope with the goal being increased sensitivity. I do believe it worked.

Now this time, the only toys involved were rope and him and his claw/pokey finger attachments. So while I was tied up he pretty much sat on me and poked me and pinched me and bit me and scratched me and I twitched and made noises for a while.

At some point he grabbed my hair and pulled me to my feet, hauling me over to my couch and spanked me for a while. This wasn't as effective because 1) I was still wearing my yoga pants and 2) he really didn't hit me that hard. At that point the breast bondage was starting to impede my ability to be put over his knees properly so he pulled me onto his lap and undid it then held onto me while I shivered and twitched for a while. He definitely aggravated it by rubbing my back and arms and occasionally pinching my nipples to produce an especially strong twitch.

Now mind you, all of this twitching is totally involuntary. It was like when you get your knee hit with the hammer at the doctor's office and your leg jumps, only it was my legs, my hips, my back, and my head shaking at different times and different intensities.

It took me a while to "come down" from all that sensation but I eventually did and he positioned me so I was straddling him and we kissed while he pinched my nipples some more.

(I must say while he is VERY good at getting me twitchy his kissing technique leaves a little to be desired. Maybe it is because he is very aggressive in the moment? I don't know.)

Anyway, at some point I am just a twitchy mess of twitchiness and he suggests that lying down on my bed would be a better choice than trying to curl up on my admittedly small loveseat. I agree and try to stand up to walk to the bedroom (maybe 10 feet away) and stumble. Yup my body is a little drunk, but I make it and we lie there and cuddle for a good long time more. Eventually I look at the clock and it is 1230 so I ask, "Did you want to head home now or do you want to crash here, cause I don't care." He looks at the clock and figures he should probably crash here if that is ok. I assure him that it is and, after a bit, turn off the living room light and do some bathroom stuff then crawl under the sheets with him (now shirtless as well but still panted) and sleep.

This concludes Playdate Part 2 Subsection 1!

Touch Talk and Come

I want to be touched today. I want to be stroked or held or hugged or put on someone's lap for a while. Coincidentally, tonight is munch night :) So how do I express my desire to be touched to people that are essentially strangers to me but would be VERY willing to lend me a hand (so to speak)?

Do I just sit down and tell someone "I need to be touched please" ? Do I try the subtle way of edging closer and closer till I practically am sitting in someone's lap? Do I just lean into the head pats and hugs that I will probably receive? Do I take the coward's way out and tell my cousin that I want to be touched and have him tell someone to touch me? (Probably not this.)

In other news I have been requested to get off via phone with an online acquaintance (Z). He has an online Mistress but apparently she has given permission for him to "have a gf" (which I am not planning on being) and he figures getting off with me via the phone is an equivalent behavior. This is also the acquaintance who pushed me too far on a previous night. So far I have avoided this occurrence and I suppose that I should be flattered that people want to get off with/to me.

V has tried talking to me again. I have tried to be cool-y cordial. But of course now I am back to fantasizing about him fucking me and spanking me and generally being sexily rough with me. I seriously doubt he will attempt to visit me in my new place (95% moved in!!) but I don't know what I would say if he asked to visit.....

Comfort

I find it funny that when I inevitably think of V I picture us cuddling in bed naked. His arms around my body so that we are pressed up against each other, sticking to each other. I like to intersect our legs so that I am touching as much of him as possible, so that he can be "in" me without being in me.

He likes to fondle my ass in bed. Not necessarily sexual, more like a gesture of comfort. You are in my arms, I am holding you, I care for you, you care for me. I imagine facing him and wriggling to touch as much skin as I can, feeling almost like I'm in a womb of his arms and body and touch. His breathing and heartbeat focusing my own letting me relax and just be.

I wonder if cuddling can become a recognized form of mediation? "Clear your mind and wrap your lover's arms around you. Feel the touch of their skin on yours, the rush of blood in their veins. Melt into them and let their heartbeat and breathing become one with your own."

I would do it.

The hardest time, the time I miss him the most I think, is at bedtime. Since high school, at least, I've fantasized about falling asleep with someone, wrapped in someone's arm, and wake up the same way. Something about being held all night, knowing that the other person is right there next to you, will know if you move in your sleep, if you have a bad dream, if you have a good dream, is comforting beyond a doubt. I remember the ache that felt during some high school event when my then bf and I slept on couches on opposite sides of the room at a friend's house. I knew WHY we weren't supposed to sleep in the same place, but not being able to have that closeness was painful, even at that age.

Sometimes you hear about "cuddle parties" or "hug parties" where people get together and cuddle/hug each other for mutual comfort. I am always suspicious of those kinds of events. To be held by someone is a very intimate act sensual without being sexual, although the line between can be very thin.