Foreign Territory

So J and I had a really good talk last night about potentially playing with a couple of friends in the local community.  I brought up that I might be interested in getting beaten by the guy as I had seen his technique at the Xmas party and was impressed.  I know J had talked to the girl over a dating site before they knew each other through the local scene.  We talked through what I wanted, he wanted, and our limits for the other person.

We didn't come to any big conclusions and he shared a great line (which I have promptly forgotten) to tell them if they proposition us that essentially says we are stil discussing the possibility of events ocurring.  We are going to go to a round table discussion on poly in February (I think the other couple is going to be there as well) so maybe we will get more...information or something through that. 

As I have told him, I've never had to discuss this kind of situation with anyone and I am not sure how to approach it or even think about.  And of course I have ridiculous fears of abandonment etc etc.  I already have inferiority issues around my orgasm issues (which is funny because J has inferiority issues about beating me with implements!) and J mentioned that he is used to being with partners who orgasm a lot and then he finishes after they have been satisfied.  Well I do not work that way and while he says that it is not a...frustration issue it is a situation he is not used to.  I am much more familiar with the guy getting off (perhaps making a perfunctory to get me off) but then rolling over and cuddling and being done with it. 

So basically we are both in foreign territory and trying to navigate it successfully.

Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.

Fustercluck

So last night was a bit of a fuck up, ok maybe a big fuck up. The day itself actually went by pretty fast. My cousin, M, was chatting with me and I ended up getting an invite to a TNG munch in the city with him and his [f]riend. This is a good thing as I really need to go to a munch and have been putting it off and basically have been too chicken to go by myself to any events in my area. So going with a small group will help that. He also turned me on to a super duper online sale at a "toy" company. I ended up purchasing a rechargeable/cordless wand vibe and a crop.

So I was so excited that I posted news of the sale on a website I frequent and got super burned! Apparently there are a lot of people who have not been happy with their purchases from this website so that kind of put a damper on my somewhat impulsive spending.

Finished work, went home, went to yoga, took a shower and came back. CM came online and we played a little bit. He had talked to me before about using a belt on myself (as a flogger kind of thing) and I have to admit I was curious, nervous, and a little excited to try it out. Well I liked it, gave myself some pretty welts and it made me pretty wet. That, of course is when the trouble started, He had me grab my vibe and fuck myself with it and I got close to climaxing....very close....really super close,but I could not for the life of me push myself over the edge. It was so frustrating that I ended up sobbing on the floor of my bedroom, naked, with a a dripping wet pussy. And I know that CM wants me to climax and I want me to climax, but I find it soooo hard to do! I am not sure if it is something to do with my meds or the fact that I am feeling so depressed about my life lately (see: The Trifecta)or the fact that V was online and I wasn't talking to him and wanted him so badly last night. CM keeps pushing me, which is good but I have this hang up about not being able to climax repeatedly at the drop of a hat and how that makes me a horrible woman/person/partner/sex object. That makes me more frustrated and honestly I feel like I am letting him down (felt the same way about having sex with V) by not being able to cum and cum and cum. I eventually just gave some bs message about being sorry and having to go then logged off and sobbed some more.

I felt like shit and it carried somewhat over to today I'm afraid. I can never live in a home with a firearm in it. I would be too tempted to use it someday.