You can't always get what you want...

I've given up on V. He isn't giving me what I need/want and when I tell him this he blows me off. This has been happening for a while and I have tried to get past it but I give up. I am tired of interacting only when it is convenient for him. There is a big difference between being someone's sextoy and being someone's convenience. Maybe it is just distance, maybe he just lost interest. Whatever the excuse I am not getting what I need.

Speaking of getting what I need, CM is back in town apparently after his 2 week absence. I was already primed thinking about V so I called him out on it.

Me: where were you for 2 weeks?
CM: wife is home all the time, hard for me to get alone time

...

Me: i am tired of feeling used, of being a convenient way for someone else to get off
CM: sorry
CM: i will leave u alone then

2 minutes later

CM: truely am sorry :(
Me: you arent the only one, apparently it is a theme
CM: hold su tight, cuddles u
Me: sigh :-/
CM: i feel bad now, u knnow i care
Me: saying things doesnt always make them true
CM: fine, wow i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt u
ME: like i said it isnt just you
CM: but i am part of it
Me: not gonna lie i guess
CM: well i apologize

...

CM: wht can i do to help u
Me: nothing, i have been too tired/busy lately and it is making me cranky/melancholy
CM: holds u in my arms
Me: thanks
CM: licks u all over

aaaaaand then he signed off.....fucker

A little music, a little munching, a little surprise.....

Love this song, the video....not so much

Anywho....went to the munch last night. It was nice. I got there a little late and drove separately from my cousin (affectionately called my Security Blanket) so I sat in my car for a while before he showed up. Then he yelled at me for being silly and said next time I have to go in by myself.

I had a lovely chat with some people that I met at earlier munches and met some new people who seemed nice. I met a couple and the wife was VERY open and somewhat nosy, not bad nosy but "I am comfortable with myself and this community and the intersection thereof" kind of nosy. She actually is a psychology doctoral student in Chi and so we did some shop talk which was fun. We discussed going back to school vs not and how going back to school isn't a great option either as internship placements are guaranteed anymore :(

We also discussed an event next weekend where a PsyD is going to be lecturing (at a local club) about why people like to hit/be hit. I am looking forward to it actually and apparently the wife knows the lecturer as he is an alumni of her grad school.

I have also decided that I need a massage after munches. I get so tense during these events that my neck and back are sore on the drive home. I am not exactly sure why I get so tense but it probably has to do with me not being super comfortable in my kinky skin, the sexual tension I feel in the atmosphere, and my (poor choice of) defense mechanisms. Although, I am sure if I asked I would receive.....

In other news, guess who is back in town? CM! So we had been talking/playing for a while then he disappeared for about 2 weeks and now apparently he is back....and he wants to pick up where he left off. I am unsure about this. I don't know what went on for those two weeks and while I have to admit missing the attention and the playing, I need some sort of explanation or discussion about what happened.

Guilt

I need a mea culpa or maybe I just need some sense knocked into me. I want V. It's stupid, I know, to want someone who I question about his want for me, to want someone who has been far away since before I even wanted to be with him.

I want to be fucked. (I totally blame my first partner (way back in October) for setting this off in me and I blame V for getting my kinky juices flowing!) More specifically I want to be fucked by V, tied up and called his slut and worked over hard.

The combination of wanting V and wanting to be fucked has led to CM. This presents another problem as CM already has two lovely ladies of his own (plus a marriage IRL) on the website I frequent. Somehow I have attracted the attentions of at least 3 other gentlemen from this website. One of them really pushed my limits tonight and I just felt an overwhelming sense of guilt about the whole sordid affair.

I feel guilty talking to CM when I want V, I feel guilty wanting CM when he is already involved with multiple ladies, I feel guilty talking to these other gentlemen when I really want V, I feel guilty when I get turned on by other people when I really want V, I feel guilty for wanting V when it is such an obviously bad choice to want him so badly.

And I have no one to share this all with that won't judge me on my relationship choices (or non choices).

Fustercluck

So last night was a bit of a fuck up, ok maybe a big fuck up. The day itself actually went by pretty fast. My cousin, M, was chatting with me and I ended up getting an invite to a TNG munch in the city with him and his [f]riend. This is a good thing as I really need to go to a munch and have been putting it off and basically have been too chicken to go by myself to any events in my area. So going with a small group will help that. He also turned me on to a super duper online sale at a "toy" company. I ended up purchasing a rechargeable/cordless wand vibe and a crop.

So I was so excited that I posted news of the sale on a website I frequent and got super burned! Apparently there are a lot of people who have not been happy with their purchases from this website so that kind of put a damper on my somewhat impulsive spending.

Finished work, went home, went to yoga, took a shower and came back. CM came online and we played a little bit. He had talked to me before about using a belt on myself (as a flogger kind of thing) and I have to admit I was curious, nervous, and a little excited to try it out. Well I liked it, gave myself some pretty welts and it made me pretty wet. That, of course is when the trouble started, He had me grab my vibe and fuck myself with it and I got close to climaxing....very close....really super close,but I could not for the life of me push myself over the edge. It was so frustrating that I ended up sobbing on the floor of my bedroom, naked, with a a dripping wet pussy. And I know that CM wants me to climax and I want me to climax, but I find it soooo hard to do! I am not sure if it is something to do with my meds or the fact that I am feeling so depressed about my life lately (see: The Trifecta)or the fact that V was online and I wasn't talking to him and wanted him so badly last night. CM keeps pushing me, which is good but I have this hang up about not being able to climax repeatedly at the drop of a hat and how that makes me a horrible woman/person/partner/sex object. That makes me more frustrated and honestly I feel like I am letting him down (felt the same way about having sex with V) by not being able to cum and cum and cum. I eventually just gave some bs message about being sorry and having to go then logged off and sobbed some more.

I felt like shit and it carried somewhat over to today I'm afraid. I can never live in a home with a firearm in it. I would be too tempted to use it someday.

Why Won't You Answer Me?

I found myself fantasizing about CM tonight and not V....

I am not sure how I feel about this.

A Tale of Two Lovers

So what to say what to say.

I feel rejected by V. We don't talk at all like we used to and I don't know what if anything has caused the change. It could just be him moving to Colorado and having a new job. It could be me saying that I was talking to other people. It could be nothing, it could be everything. I sent him a message on FB saying that, who knows if he'll respond, or what he'll say, in my experience nothing that neutralizes my discomfort. It makes me sad.

I don't know that CM and I are on the same page. He keeps insisting that he just wants to help me by pushing my limits and that he is there for me and wants me to be safe, but at the same time I feel as though our ideas of what I want are different. He, I think, wants more control than I do. I have a feeling I am an "in the bedroom" kind of girl, or at least a "in a relationship" kind of girl. I am not a 24/7 kind of girl. As I told him this evening, I have too much to do in my life to be 24/7. On the other hand, I want to experience some of the darker things, to be controlled, to be hit, to be tied up and used for someone else's pleasure.

I wish I could just not, just give it all up. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I don't know what to do with myself.

Rabbit Rabbit

So starts another month and with it comes an existentialist rambling in the vein of stream of consciousness that happened to pass through my mind last night.

Went to the IML Leather Market with a friend of mine on Monday. It was very arousing. I think it was just the overall atmosphere that was arousing because my friend and I were NOT the target audience (being neither gay nor male nor leather-ly inclined). It was a lot of fun and there was lots of leather gear (naturally) and some very tempting toys in the flogger/cropper/cuff department. Overall the hottest things there though were the people. Specifically two CLEARLY kinky couples.

The first was a pair of men, one of whom laced the other onto a bondage board. While this was going on the sub was being fondled and played with and you could tell he liked it. His top/Sir/Master/What have you was very tender with him, kissing him, talking to him, making sure that he was comfortable. When we passed that booth a second time, the sub was still bound and his partner had thoughtfully blindfolded him and was kissing him again.

The second was another pair of men, dressed in leather, the sub/bottom/slave in slightly less than his dom/top/Master of course. The sub was on his knees, hands behind his back and was kissing a leather floggger in his dom's lap. The sub had a new red welty mark on his thigh, probably the result of said flogger. All the while he was kissing the flogger his dom was stroking his hair in approval, it was the first REAL example of a sub/dom relationship that I've seen (above example excepted)and it was SUPER hot.

So what do these two relationships have in common in my mind? The fact that I screamed in my head that I wanted to be in them! That I wanted to be bound to a board and touched by someone I love, that I want to thank a Sir for flogging me and feel his hand stroking my hair, telling me I'm a good girl.

So why don't I have this you ask? Well, part of it is cowardice, fear of something new, even something pleasurable. Part of it is the feeling of unpreparedness, as if I have to experience more before I attempt this as a real life experience. Part of it is that I want this to happen with V, that I feel comfortable, aroused, excited to try these things with him.

Speaking of unpreparedness, CM and I had a somewhat disconcerting discussion late last night. We were discussing the fact that I had been to IML and were discussing the possibility of my augmenting my collection of goods based on what I saw there when the topic of anal arose:

CM: u know u have a thing about anal
CM: i will tell u this i dom will push that issue
ME: why?
CM: because alot of men want anal
CM: even to stretch u
ME: so i should prep for something because others may want it?
CM: your dom [will] push your boundaries
...
ME: :s
CM: [it] sux i know
...
CM: your dom will want u push yourself and anal if never done it will be a major issue
ME: *wrinkles nose
CM: im sorry but i can almost garuantee that

Now I will admit that V may have snuck a finger up there and it felt good, but at the same time this is something that I need to move slowly on and only when I am damn turned on! This falls into the category of "SCARY" and needs to be treated as such. So far this is the only thing that CM has suggested that has truly pushed my comfort and it is an unpleasant feeling....

Playing the Fairytale

So played with CM again. Had a difficult time finishing even though I was turned on, a second one was not in the cards. It got me thinking again about orgasms and multiple orgasms and orgasm as the culmination of sexual activity. The idea that both partners have to cum for it to be an enjoyable experience and if one or both does not then it wasn't a good experience. I wish that I was one of those women in stories/real life who can cum on a dime (so to speak).

The truth is that doesn't happen for me and it could just be that I am just not experienced enough or it is just not the way I'm built. I hope it is the former and not the latter and I hate disappointing by not finishing "appropriately". This is where those dirty words come in: should, ought to, must etc. I should be able to cum easily and often. In order to please one must be able to cum easily and often. If one is not able to cum easily and often one is a not a satisfying partner. So I end up beating myself up about it (which is nothing new) and add it to the list of my perceived failures in life.

One of the reasons I like CM is that he really knows a lot and has a lot of good things to say. He has this ideal of what a dom should be ("how degrading they can make u feel at the time and the special ones when finished will make u feel like a millions dollars") which sounds like the fairytale prince of doms. The essence of the princess by day and slut by night relationship.

As I was talking to CM, V came online (which always makes my pussy jump) and we talked for all of 10 minutes before he claimed bed time. I don't know whether it makes me sad, rejected, annoyed or angry. I always feel left hanging when he does that but am loathe to bring it up in order to avoid being the pushy nosy girl. CM was all encouraging about visiting him moving to Col getting a job in Col which leads me to become one of those really frustrating "yes but-ers" that are difficult to work with. Yes but I have a job here, yes but it would freak him out, yes but my family/friends wouldn't approve, yes but I would have to transfer my license and it would be a bitch, yes but yes but yes but.

In the end the conversation was put on hold because CM's slave (CK) came online and he went to play with her. So I got abandoned by two fellows this evening which left me feeling very alone.

Playing Online

So I played with CM last night. It was full-out playing in that he gave me online instructions and I followed them IRL. It was pretty basic play, get naked, tease yourself with your toy, ask permission to cum, but it was really fulfilling. It wasn't necessarily the climaxing that made it so fulfilling, but the attention, the feeling desired, the talking afterwards.

I am a sucker for pet names and CM uses them liberally, love, sexi etc. Sometimes when I think of V he's calling me 'pet', not because I want to do pet play, but because it't another label that shows that he has control of me, that I would be his. Normally I would be very hesitant to respond to someone who uses pet names in the first or even the second conversation, but CM seems to exude this calm, strong, dom-y aura and it feels ok. I also know that I don't have to worry about meeting him IRL and that any play we do is a mutually enjoyable fantasy.

I still feel some hesitation to let myself form relationships online, I know what happens when you end up emotionally involved, but maybe if you go into it assuming that you will get emotionally involved and that you put those limits in place early on, then when you do end up feeling emotionally attached you are prepared for it.

I'd like to play with CM again. He seems patient and willing to go slowly and I think he could teach me things about myself and what I like and what I want and how to go about getting that safely and happily.