Angst

I've been sad a couple of times lately. Deep overwhelming sobbing sadness. I can't decide if it is from my depression or my circumstances or a combination of both. J quit smoking on Monday and has been somewhat tense and moody and of sexual with me at all. I feel rejected. Logically I understand he is streak g and essentially detoxing but at the same time I feel very pushed to the side. I feel forgotten in th e ashes that no longer consume him if I may be so poetic. I miss those ten minute breaks I would get when he would go out for a cigarette. I find myself wanting him to leave during commercials because ... Is it because I was so used to it? We are working on moving my stuff in to his place. It isn't ours. It's still his. I need to move like ripping off a bandaid but how do I do that and not freak out? He hasn't been pushing me mostly because I think he is trying to help me limit potential freaking out. Maybe that is part of me feeling rejected? Or his comments on my art. Or his comments about how I interact with my friends and family? His interest in me and him fucking other people Or.... Who knows. Maybe it's truly all in my head... Maybe I am just a chronically depressed person in a stressful job who is too passive to do... Something??

Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

Dr. Jones and the Communication Block of Doom

So the Sunday date was rainchecked and it turned into a Monday night nursing gig.  He and I were Im'ing back and forth (I initiated) and he made a joke about wanting a backrub.  Long story short, I went to his place and gave him a backrub/some cookies.  I also went down on him a bit (ho boy he is thick!), he fingered me again (holy hell he has great fingers), he slapped my ass...hard, and we talked and cuddled naked again.  Then I left.

And now it is Thursday night and he hasn't contacted me at all.  I ended up sending him a message that basically said "Hi hope you're feeling better, so do you like me or what cause I keep being the one to initiate etc etc."  No reply. 

Could this be the end of Dr. Jones? Will his inability to initate conversation be the end of him? Am I doomed to be unloved until the end of time? Forever Aloners unite....

Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.

I know

So My Ninja Friend and I have been having increasingly steamy conversations with each other.  Well tonight he was talking to me on the phone while touching himself and came on the phone with me.  Immediately I became depressed because the first thought that came into my head was "He is now just going to use me to get off when he is horny just like everyone else I know because that is all I am to them."

And I know if I tell him this that he will vehemently deny it and will try to convince me and I know that this is just a negative cognition in my head (along the lines of "I am not good enough for anything but getting other people off").  But it is gonna stay in my head, cause that is how I am.

I am flawed.  I can't give myself to anyone because I keep repeating to myself that I am not good enough for anything but getting people off while I am left unloved and unfulfilled.  V, MNF, Almost Date.....that is all I am good for, being a tool for guys to get off and then reject when they are sated.  The worst part is, I KNOW that these are just cognitive distortions that come out when I am depressed and I know what I would tell friends that say they are thinking this way......but I can't go and talk to someone about about it because I am supposed to be the expert and know how to fix this issue in others...I just can't do it for myself.

Fuck

so my almost date cornered me at the munch tonight.  I love the group, they are pretty hilarious and there is a ton of laughing that goes on in the back room of the restaurant we meet at (we are even working on a group corruption of our server cause he is pretty awesome!). 

Anyway, so I am having fun all night laughing and whatnot, the almost date comes in and asks if he can talk to me before I leave so I say sure.  He then ends up sitting RIGHT next to me, like we squished a bunch of people in the booth and he squished himself in as well.  So I was kind of uncomfortable for the beginning of the night but just kind of ignored him and focused on the conversation and eventually ended up switching seats so it was fine.

The night went on and there was laughing etc etc etc but I start fading so I take my leave and the almost date follows me out and asks if he can talk to me.  I say sure and he says he wants to go out with me again.  I ask what happened with the other girl and he says that she was not interested in anything serious which is what he is looking for.  He says he wants to go out with me and not as friends as a date date.  I was...idk some emotion and told him that I would have to think about it and he says ok, gives me a hug, I leave, get in the car, and start crying.

I already feel shitty about myself and being the back up choice AGAIN by the same guy does not help with that feeling.  It makes me feel shaky and sad and numb and just worse about myself than I usually do.  My pussy says "hell yeah someone to tie you up and bite the fuck out of you sweet!" and the rest of me says, "He's is sure as hell not worth it, and you know how this is going to end up for you and you are just crazy damaged goods anyway."

I am so bad at this kind of thing...

309.0

I am so lonely but I keep getting rejected by the one person I know down here.  Last night was pretty bad.  I was feeling rejected by MNF, then I was talking to my friend Ninja (to whom I have been talking a lot lately) and our conversation went something like this:

Ninja: you should clean in a sexy outfit *nods*
Me: hmm? lol
Ninja: put on some good music
Me: that was kind of random ninja lol
Ninja: whcih?
...
Me: the clean in a sexy outfit comment
Ninja: oh. no so much. its a stress reliever. gives you somethign to focus on was in my brain when I microflashed ;)
Ninja: sides you;d look good in it :D
Me: ninja! if it was anyone else i'd say you were hitting on me! :p
...
Ninja: *smiles* I'm just stating fact and truth. if I was hitting on you, I'd choose something tha would make you wet, ting and smiel whith that little red you get. :D lol.
Ninja: but the thought has crossed my mind afew times. ;)

It kind of freaked me out.  I adore Ninja, he is a mentor and a friend and confidante and......well, he is Ninja.  But I don't know how to relate to him as someone who wants to hit on me, or at least has thought about it.  It is like finding out that your best friend wants to fuck you five ways from Sunday (not that Ninja is my best friend but it is a similar feeling). 

THEN, Ninja's mate K, another good friend (who has been going through kind of a busy/rough patch) was texting me and told me she missed me and that just was the last straw and I started crying.  How can someone miss you when you've never met??? (even though I've totally told her I miss talking to her as well)

So the combination of feeling uncomfortable with new information, being missed, feeling rejected, and feeling incredibly lonely (oh and my self diagnosed Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood) made me incredibly depressed and I cried for the rest of the evening on and off.  I was exhausted this morning and it kind of lasted all day.  I cannot wait to get my new rx filled so that my meds are balanced again...I think that will help.

Don't stick your body parts in the self sabotaging push-me-pull-me

So in the original Dr Dolittle movie, Doolittle finds a creature called a "push-me-pull-me"

It is this creature I have become, or more likely have always been and am just now recognizing it in its entirety.  I got a phone call from MNF yesterday while on the drive home.  He was also on his way home and we ended up driving right behind each other for the last leg of our commute.  He was bored apparently and asked if I wanted to get dinner.  I agreed and we met up at his place.....well the inevitable happened and even though I think I have been trying to warn him:

Wherein he is the "dick" and I am the "crazy."  We ended up talking about it and he claimed to continue to want to try to hang out and I began distancing procedures and by that I mean I started being a bitch so that he would be repulsed and stop wanting to be around me/talk to me....and I am scared that it worked.  He had, jokingly, given me me grief for spelling his last name incorrectly in his phone and I fixed it today and texted him to announce this.  Why I did this I am not sure...I don't think it was to restablish contact with him today but unconsciously who knows.

MNF: I thought you were distancing
Me: Just an update, don't read into it.
MNF: Okay. Because you certainly tried to tear me down when leaving yesterday.
Me: I do that.  It's what I do, not the best coping mechanism assuredly but it is what I have.

and then there was silence.

I am really struggling this season with my relationship issues.  The combination of trying to express myself in a relationship while at the same time keeping a distance in the event that I get hurt ends up with me pushing people away which makes me sad and depressed.  I absolutely understand WHAT I am doing.  I can certainly put forth some serious hypotheses as to WHY I do this.  I cannot seem to CHANGE what I do.  As I have often told people (clients and non-clients alike), change is hard but if you don't change what you are doing then you will not change the results. 

Part of it is I don't know WHAT to do to change this pattern I find myself repeating.  I can only talk (or write) about it for so long before it starts getting too emotional and I cannot bear to be weak in front of those with whom I discuss these things.  On the one hand I seriously want to discuss this very painful side of myself.  On the other hand, I cannot bear to show weakness after I have struggled so long to contain that side of myself, which inhibits the kind of communication that most likely needs to occur.

It is exhausting.