Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.

Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

Happy (Kinky) Holidays!!

So I took the plunge and went to the Christmas munch/play party in a neighboring town.  I knew a couple of people that were going to be attending but most of the aquaintances I have met since moving were attending a different play party that evening.

It was a ton of fun.  I bought a garter belt and a pair of stockings and wore them underneath my red sweater dress and felt SUPER sexy *grin*

So I went to the party and there was a lot of food and a couple of people I chatted with and some others that I had met once before but hadn't really talked to.  We sat and ate and it was lovely.  Then we played the White Elephant grab bag game and it was hilarious! Everyone brought some sort of pervertable gift bag and it was hilarious!  I ended up stealing another player's bag that had some lovely rope, a dish cleaning brush, a funnel, electrical tape, a cheap hanger with clamps, and an over the door hook.

OMG the over the door hook is a delightful g spot toy ^^ accompanied by the fake hitachi I came twice in like 5 minutes! Never before! Thank you kinky Xmas friends!!

After the presents and such people once again hung out and played in an adjacent room set up with spanking benches.  I ended up doing some stretches and exposing myself a little bit *blush* but actually left the party semi early.  I am really glad I went.  I got to re-meet a bunch of people, added some friends on Fet, got a few compliments *blush* but that is another story.

Almost Date: The Saga Continues

So I went to a kinky event this weekend. I was planning on heading to another Halloween type party that night so I was all gussied up at Little Red Riding Hood (nailed it btw) but others were also dressed up in various ensembles so it was all good. It was a potluck/social/play event for the local communities.  It was a good time, there were a bunch of people from the munch....including almost-date guy.  So, after a rousing game of 'let's make purple blush and look at the floor' we had our potluck, played a game of Taboo (tops v bottoms, bottoms won by a landslide :) ) and then they began setting up for the play part of the evening. 

A couple of the girls headed off to use the facilities and I went to join (cause pee parties are all the rage now).  Well on my way there I was....cut off by almost date guy.  He asked if I would like him to tie me up that evening and...started touching me.  Not like groping, but those soft caressy touches that just make me melt.  So, we ended up talking in the storage room (while they were trying to store stuff) which didn't work so we ended up talking a bit outside.  All I can really remember is he asked me some questions one of them being what was I afraid of or something like that and when I finally was able to say something I basically said that I was afraid of getting hurt/letting go.  Which is true, true for many people I would say.  I remember him complimenting (?)/commenting on how fast I got all dreamy/sub spacing.

It was chilly outside and somehow I was able to say that I didn't want to play (due to not being a public player) but that we could go inside and sit and whatever.  So we go inside and sit and I end up sitting on the floor resting my head on his leg.  He touched me and made me twitch/float.  He tied my wrists together and petted my hair and called me a good girl, and made me suck his finger.  It was....good I think.  I mean I get twitchy/floaty pretty easily in the right circumstances, which is kind of embarassing for me because I get so sensitive. 

Because we were kind of off to the side and I had my eyes closed the while thing I didn't feel AS public as I really was.  Even now I am avoiding thinking about that particular aspect.  Eventually I had to "sober up" and did so somewhat reluctantly.  Drank some water, got the chills, drank some mulled cider, didn't get as much post-float touching as I like but a) I didn't voice this and b) I think he was trying not to set me off again.  We talked a little bit, I was gonna head to my next party, he had another party that he was going to go to so we were going to part ways.  He ended up asking if I wanted him to go back to my place (which I rejected because I am trying to avoid making bad choices) and he ended up calling me as I was the way to my other party to ask to go with me.  He claimed that he wanted to spend more time with me and would rather do that at a party with people he didn't know than go to his friend's party. 

I guess I am just confused as to his motivation and I am worried that I am going to be landing in another situation where it's all physical and while I most definitely enjoy that aspect I really do want more....

I don't know if it is that I don't trust him to essentially use me or that I don't trust myself to not allow myself to be used by someone that has the ability to get me all floaty.  My ninja friend told me that I need to figure both those things out and, while I agree, I don't know how to.  It is almost enough for me to go find someone to talk to about all of this but.......yes but...

Fuck

so my almost date cornered me at the munch tonight.  I love the group, they are pretty hilarious and there is a ton of laughing that goes on in the back room of the restaurant we meet at (we are even working on a group corruption of our server cause he is pretty awesome!). 

Anyway, so I am having fun all night laughing and whatnot, the almost date comes in and asks if he can talk to me before I leave so I say sure.  He then ends up sitting RIGHT next to me, like we squished a bunch of people in the booth and he squished himself in as well.  So I was kind of uncomfortable for the beginning of the night but just kind of ignored him and focused on the conversation and eventually ended up switching seats so it was fine.

The night went on and there was laughing etc etc etc but I start fading so I take my leave and the almost date follows me out and asks if he can talk to me.  I say sure and he says he wants to go out with me again.  I ask what happened with the other girl and he says that she was not interested in anything serious which is what he is looking for.  He says he wants to go out with me and not as friends as a date date.  I was...idk some emotion and told him that I would have to think about it and he says ok, gives me a hug, I leave, get in the car, and start crying.

I already feel shitty about myself and being the back up choice AGAIN by the same guy does not help with that feeling.  It makes me feel shaky and sad and numb and just worse about myself than I usually do.  My pussy says "hell yeah someone to tie you up and bite the fuck out of you sweet!" and the rest of me says, "He's is sure as hell not worth it, and you know how this is going to end up for you and you are just crazy damaged goods anyway."

I am so bad at this kind of thing...

BAZINGA!

Wow just crazy omgness of a day/night!

I accepted a job 2.5hrs away from my current location which would negate my being able to attend the current munch with the current people therein.

I told some of them at the munch this evening and was told now I have to make the last month of being in town especially kinky. Well of course I laughed it off. Well I ended up sitting/chatting with a small group of people, 2 of whom I have chatted with at the munches/online/on fet for a bit now and 1 who i met through the other site I am on who happens to live in the area. Anyhow, the upshot was that I got tickled a little and teased a little. Near the end of the night the one guy pulled out a length of silk cord that he had in his pocket and tied my wrist. He kind of played with it for the rest of the time. At one point he left to wash his hands and tied my wrist to the chair I was sitting in! It was fun.

So I get home and start talking to the girl from this evening who wanted to know if she should "encourage a rerun" and I said yes so she is arranging a dinner/play date for next week with her and the wrist tier! So I said yes and we discussed the particulars (kink wise) so yeah next week I am going to have dinner at her place with her and the wrist man and have some play times......EEP!!! :D

So while I am talking to her I am talking to the other guy that was at the munch (from the other site) who has indicated his interest in me a couple of times and, apparently now that I am a limited commodity, has upped his ante and wants to get together to tie me up! OMG so I said ok. Again, particulars were discussed, I think we will end up at my place or maybe my cousin's since I don't really feel comfortable going to the guy's place...

AND while I am talking to them I am talking to the girl my group of friends "adopted" she mentions that the sexytime plans that she and her essentially-fiance made for the upcoming weekend had to be cancelled. :( And she also mentioned that "....that [essentially fiance] thinks you're cute so there's potential of talking him into playtime for both of us at some point"

HOLY CRAP 2 play dates and the possibility of a third with a new friend of mine!!!! My head exploded a touch tonight. It was pretty great!!

Play Party Wrap-Up

So I went to the party tonight and it was very enlightening. While I only watched/socialized it was one of those self-realization type experiences....I am glad I went. :)

Random things I realized:

There are only 2 people at the munch that I would consider full on topping me (but would be open to possibly a third)

There are only 4 people total I would feel comfortable topping me (oneof them is not big into kinky so that would prove difficult and one of them is V)

I don't think I would necessarily feel comfortable actually full on playing at a party because I am sooooo not an exhibitionist

I like a more sensual/DS-y kind of play more than SM-y kind of play

Slapping is totally good punching could be interesting but looks dangerous and more ouchie than I think I want

Violet wand could be a lot of fun....

I really want A (as in singular), person that I can explore this stuff with, it just takes me a long time to get to the point with someone that I would trust them to beat me and tease me silly

Scenes that I witnessed and my reactions (if any) to them:

Reaaaaally long and VERY intense interrogation scene (too much for me by a million!)

Tease and denial of guy (hot but seen from afar)

REALLY hot kind of mindfuck-y, biting, pinching, ass slapping, kind of scene that I would love to try

Various tying up of people by other people, some more complex than others, some with additional stimulation, (again something on my curious list)

A kind of sensation play/tease scene which also looked fun

A flogging (by one of the people whom I would TOTALLY let touch me in private)

Some foot worshipping (meh)

Spanking (always nice)

Overall, I was really pleased that I went. I may not go to another party anytime soon but I have had the experience and found that I can survive it, dare I say enjoy it?

Of course now I want to talk to V and have him beat me then fuck me but meh ::shrug::

Maybe...IDK....I'm losing myself

I don't know where to begin at all what so ever.

V
ummm, is coming to my state/area on Thursday for 10 days, wants to see me I think? It is kind of hard to tell. "Fought" with him about, about, us/him/me? Basically told him that the only reason he wants to see me is to fuck me. He said I was making him out to be the bad guy. I tried to explain my position, he said nothing constructive/new/from his own point of view (typical) and I was left wondering if it is possible to break one's own heart? I don't know what I am going to do but all my sources are saying "no, avoid him don't connect with him, don't sleep with him" which I know are the right choices....

Online
K and I and her partner R (online and soon irl) hung out (if you can call it that online) and chatted. Then one of R's good friends, irl and online, A joined us and I didn't really think anything of it until R formally introduced K to him as his partner and there was crying on her part and smiling on mine and things were good. THEN R started talking about how he thinks that A would be a good match for me and that he liked me and how he was a good guy.....and then I hid from the webcam (because if it is just K and R I'll go on webcam, I trust them, and I don't flash them or anything so it is good) and this was after A had said I was cute (which always embarasses me cause I am very bad at accepting compliments). R basically said that K and I were already like sisters so he felt towards me the protectiveness and whatnot that he extends to others in his pack. So I guess the short version is that I am being accepted by these folks online, in this world that I feel is so separate from my real life that I don't know if I want to fall in any deeper. [Add cliche Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole reference here.]

IRL
I am going to the munch tomorrow. I am going to sign up to go to the play party on my birthday. A guy from MDS who lives in Chicago says he might show up tomorrow night.

I feel like I am being stretched in a thousand directions and I'm losing myself. I am almost longing for the school season to begin if only to give myself something to hold onto and center myself. God I hope I don't have a schizophrenic break. That would be really crappy timing....

Black Bile

So I feel kind of like a neurotic ass tonight. I sent the organizer of the play party a list of questions and even though at the time I figured they were somewhat sane if not adequate representations of my thoughts/feelings when I read the reply (which was well thought out and helpful) I felt like my questions made me sound like a neurotic uptight prude of doom (which I kind of am). I just overthink things to the extreme and give myself anxiety. What can I do to stop thinking???

V has been on my mind tonight, mostly cause we haven't talked in....a week? more? I don't even know, but when I see him online, my stomach still gives a lurch and I want to talk to him and say stupid shit to him that I don't even mean cause I am tired and lonely and a little bit sad. It would have been so much easier if he had just been in the same state as me. Then we could....but it's no use speculating on what we could have because the way things worked is that we don't and we aren't and probably will never be.

I just don't know right now. I feel like just running away from the whole "relationship" aspect of the trifecta, not that the career aspect is going any better. I have a phone interview for a place 3 hours south of here. I hope that they want to pay me crap cause I am not moving 3 hours south when I just started getting settled here.

Part of this is just that I am tired and when I get tired I get melancholy. One of my burdens to bear:

• melancholy


• type A


• goody-two shoes complex


• lustful


• planner


• loud


• serious


• overthinker


• dreamer


• romantic
  

But we all have them. It isn't only myself, for example, that is having relationship issues. One of my good friends just ended things with the guy she has been seeing (who is stationed in Italy of all places) for lots of reasons and my cousin is having similar issues that I have/had with V and his girl lives only 1 hr away from him!

I guess it is just one of those days where things feel sad...

Just another Tuesday Evening

Well another Tues munch and I return home more confused and pondery than ever.....

I have no clue what I want any more. Or rather I do but I am pretty sure that it is an impossible dream and I don't know if this direction is going to get me what I want? Maybe? I have no clue!!

What I want is :

• a relationship with a primary partner


• that sexes me good


• and would dominate me good


• and isnt old enough to be my father


• that i could bring home to mother


• lives in my state


• would dominate me in a way that is compatible with how i want to be dominated


• can put up with my type A anxious ways


• and my excessive fears


• will hold me all night long


• is intelligent


• will make me feel loved and valuable

I think that is it for the moment.....

Anyway back to the munch tonight. It was actually pretty quiet. Got patted on the head a few times, got a forehead kiss, and a different forehead kiss, and a lip kiss :) Learned a little bit more of the relationship between a couple of the munchers. Declared my upgrading of attending the play party from "absolutely not" to "probably not." However my cousin (whom I love of course) paid his money for the party....

I am not sure that I can go if he is going. I was offered the potential option of being locked in the cage/cuddle cage for the evening, which actually doesn't sound as bad as it, well, sounds. I could watch or not, converse or not, ruminate or not (although we all know I will). I seriously think I need someone to take my reins and just pull me along. I can't do it myself.....I am a coward. But if I don't do it I will end up regretting it and hate myself that much more...

Cece my Playmate come out and play with me...

Went to the lecture at the local club tonight. It was pretty interesting. The idea of becoming a kink-aware professional is pretty neat to me, I may end up emailing the lecturer and asking him for some career advice.

I also saw some some of the munch-ers there which was pretty cool. I got a head pat and teased one of the guys cause he was fedora-less. I had to leave then though because the after-party was for members only (which I am not). This was somewhat disappointing because I wanted to stick around and chat and flirt a little bit more. It also made me think of the upcoming play party.



I think I want to go but I am a little terrified. I seriously think I need someone to sit with me/hold my hand/distract me so I don't just get overwhelmed, but I am not sure how to tell the people I know that I need a rotating shift of handholders for the event. "So X, you know how I keep saying I am scared? Well....I kind of want to go but could you arrrange for a handholder or handholders for the evening so I don't freak out and leave? Please and thank you."

I am such a coward!!

I'd like to thank my cousin...

...for forcing me to go to munches!

Last night was a night of firsts. I went to the munch alone (flyin solo here!), I got not 1 but 2 neck massages (and I am sore today but that may also be due to my new mattress), and I voluntarily reached out for touching! I don't know if the others realized that I was reaching out voluntarily but I knew so that is good. I was actually in a really good mood last night, did some flirting, some chatting.

I feel like I am slowly opening up to that group, it just takes me a while and honestly I am still trying to figure out what I want and where I fit. I sure as hell am still fighting against my "goody two shoes" nature. I really feel like I need someone to push me to go further and figure out what does and doesn't work for me. One of the guys last night was commenting on the difference between what my Fetlife profile interests are and what I talk about at the munches.

He commented that my saying that I was scared to go to a play party because I would get turned on was a "dom" type of comment. In my mind, being scared to be turned on at a kinky event is more about the lurking thought that I am "not supposed to" get turned on by kinky things, that I "should not" be pursuing these sexual interests than a desire to be in control. Or maybe it is a desire to be in control, the type A part of myself that needs to be broken down by someone so that I can let go and experience what turns me on.

That is what I want, to have someone force me to go beyond my need to control myself and to overthink things and clinicalize and rationalize and force me to just be. I think V knew that is what I needed but he isn't here to push me the way I need/want it. I can't go forward by myself, I need someone to hold my hand and guide me and tease that fine line between terror and ecstasy (dramatic much?). And the kicker is I want someone who is dedicated to ME and my needs. It's a tall order.

Touch Talk and Come

I want to be touched today. I want to be stroked or held or hugged or put on someone's lap for a while. Coincidentally, tonight is munch night :) So how do I express my desire to be touched to people that are essentially strangers to me but would be VERY willing to lend me a hand (so to speak)?

Do I just sit down and tell someone "I need to be touched please" ? Do I try the subtle way of edging closer and closer till I practically am sitting in someone's lap? Do I just lean into the head pats and hugs that I will probably receive? Do I take the coward's way out and tell my cousin that I want to be touched and have him tell someone to touch me? (Probably not this.)

In other news I have been requested to get off via phone with an online acquaintance (Z). He has an online Mistress but apparently she has given permission for him to "have a gf" (which I am not planning on being) and he figures getting off with me via the phone is an equivalent behavior. This is also the acquaintance who pushed me too far on a previous night. So far I have avoided this occurrence and I suppose that I should be flattered that people want to get off with/to me.

V has tried talking to me again. I have tried to be cool-y cordial. But of course now I am back to fantasizing about him fucking me and spanking me and generally being sexily rough with me. I seriously doubt he will attempt to visit me in my new place (95% moved in!!) but I don't know what I would say if he asked to visit.....

A little music, a little munching, a little surprise.....

Love this song, the video....not so much

Anywho....went to the munch last night. It was nice. I got there a little late and drove separately from my cousin (affectionately called my Security Blanket) so I sat in my car for a while before he showed up. Then he yelled at me for being silly and said next time I have to go in by myself.

I had a lovely chat with some people that I met at earlier munches and met some new people who seemed nice. I met a couple and the wife was VERY open and somewhat nosy, not bad nosy but "I am comfortable with myself and this community and the intersection thereof" kind of nosy. She actually is a psychology doctoral student in Chi and so we did some shop talk which was fun. We discussed going back to school vs not and how going back to school isn't a great option either as internship placements are guaranteed anymore :(

We also discussed an event next weekend where a PsyD is going to be lecturing (at a local club) about why people like to hit/be hit. I am looking forward to it actually and apparently the wife knows the lecturer as he is an alumni of her grad school.

I have also decided that I need a massage after munches. I get so tense during these events that my neck and back are sore on the drive home. I am not exactly sure why I get so tense but it probably has to do with me not being super comfortable in my kinky skin, the sexual tension I feel in the atmosphere, and my (poor choice of) defense mechanisms. Although, I am sure if I asked I would receive.....

In other news, guess who is back in town? CM! So we had been talking/playing for a while then he disappeared for about 2 weeks and now apparently he is back....and he wants to pick up where he left off. I am unsure about this. I don't know what went on for those two weeks and while I have to admit missing the attention and the playing, I need some sort of explanation or discussion about what happened.

Busy Busy Bee

So I successfully went to the munch again this Tuesday and had a lovely chat with the people there. I could totally have a lust/crush thing on the one of the organizers. Not sure why exactly, I blame on the fact that he is friendly lol. He kept trying to ask me questions in order to figure me out. Some topics of conversation included:

"So what are your opinions of nipple clamps?"
"Boobies are nice, how do you feel about them?
"Are you going to share your opinion about anything?"

He also asked if I had stalked him on fet (which of course I had) and suggested that next time I stalk him I add him to my friends list (which I did) :)
I also got patted on the head a couple of times and the above gentleman put his hand on my knee (made me jump but was delightful). Oh and my cousin helped come up with a better metaphor for my need to ponder: imagine just shoving a butt plug in someone's ass with no preparation, not fun. I need my buttplug (in this case kinky experiences) with lube....lots and lots of lube.

In other news my good friend from high school came into town from Seattle because she is getting married this weekend. So Wednesday a couple of us went to the city and sailed around the shore of the lake on my uncle's sailboat for a while. Anyway, one of my good friend's tells us that her brother came out as bi-sexual recently and there was lots of "good for him" and "yays." My friends are super accepting and lovely people. So I decided to tell them that I have decided that I am kinky. I am not sure what I was expecting in the realm of reactions but the general consensus was, "Yeah and?"

There was not surprise, no shock, no congratulations. I mean I would have guessed that they wouldn't be surprised but a little reaction would have been nice I think. My one friend (probably the one I am closest to) kind of joked that now I need to find a dom who is hot, or a hot guy who wants to dom me lol. That same friend actually mentioned she things she is starting to get a little into girls, certain girls at least. (I'd fool around with her I think.) She also pulled my hair and said something to me (can't remember what exactly) in a SUPER domme-y voice and it was hot. Sent a little ripple of lust through myself let me tell you!

Post Munch Conversation Explained in More Detail

So yes, I went to my first munch with my cousin and the girl he is currently sleeping with. The people were really nice and I felt that I held my own pretty well. Surprisingly the talk was very kink oriented (which is apparently unusual when chatting with newbies) and I now have plans to write a manual entitled '5 Steps to an Orgy' that describes the various levels of sexual interaction and the proper titles for each level. There will be pictures :)

Anyway, while the event itself was vanilla (took place in a sushi restaurant)there was definitely a kinky energy that kind of turned me on. Yup I get turned on by dominance and submission awesome.

But.....because there was some definite kinky energy it made me feel lonely because what I truly want (V dominating me) is not happening and likely will not happen. I am pretty sure I want him more than he wants me which is another topic entirely. It also made me jealous of those that have what I want and can "flaunt" it so openly and confortably. So I went and vented to a friend on a website and felt a little better.

Post Munch Vent With an Online Friend

Me: So I went to a munch tonight and I am totally overwhelmed! I am jealous and lonely and horny, but i realized what a visceral reaction i have to it irl and that i wants it REAL bad which maybe freaks me out a little and maybe makes me sad that i dont have anyone (in this state) who wants me and makes me jealous of those around me and all that makes me feel like screaming a little but cause it's such a little kid reaction to thingsand i have no one to talk to about it lol i think that is about it

K: *HUGS* breath :) itll be ok hun :D i think we all have those days!! hell im jealous as hell of all the collared girls in here :( especially after all the crap with someone i thought cared but i think the jealousy is normal because well we are women and emotional creatures especially when we are confused why does wanting it irl freak you out?

Me: cause it is sooo visceral like you know when you WANT something just sooooo badly? that is the feeling I get sometimes

K: oh i know it well and it sucks ass!!! ive never had it irl only online and its something that i want sooo damn bad but i dont know if ill ever actually have it is there a particular Dom here that you are interested in?

Me: which is scary cause i am too cautious to go through with it not in mds : sigh : I have a .....friend? FWB? that I really want but he lives in colorado and he used to live in florida and i think i want him more than he wants me

K: i think if you find someone that you connect with on a deeper level then you will go through with it..have you talked to him?

Me: lol yes it just goes nowhere. then i try to stop talking to him because it makes me sad that i feel that i want him more than he wants me which doesnt work so i am left to stew in my own melancholic juices

k: sad face

Me: i want a relationship not just someone to smack me around for funsies and that isnt how life works

K: i can understand that hun *hugs* but you do want the D/s with it right?

Me: i think so....i dont want to say that is the only way i would want a relationship but i am leaning that way sorry to vent btw

K: dont be hun ive leaned on you alot! and when you find a Dom that you willing want to submit to and connect with itll feel right!

Me: thanks, it was just a lot of stuff at once HUG!

K: HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS ill be back on tomorow and it gets easier hun especially the more you get to know what you want