Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.

I know

So My Ninja Friend and I have been having increasingly steamy conversations with each other.  Well tonight he was talking to me on the phone while touching himself and came on the phone with me.  Immediately I became depressed because the first thought that came into my head was "He is now just going to use me to get off when he is horny just like everyone else I know because that is all I am to them."

And I know if I tell him this that he will vehemently deny it and will try to convince me and I know that this is just a negative cognition in my head (along the lines of "I am not good enough for anything but getting other people off").  But it is gonna stay in my head, cause that is how I am.

I am flawed.  I can't give myself to anyone because I keep repeating to myself that I am not good enough for anything but getting people off while I am left unloved and unfulfilled.  V, MNF, Almost Date.....that is all I am good for, being a tool for guys to get off and then reject when they are sated.  The worst part is, I KNOW that these are just cognitive distortions that come out when I am depressed and I know what I would tell friends that say they are thinking this way......but I can't go and talk to someone about about it because I am supposed to be the expert and know how to fix this issue in others...I just can't do it for myself.

Two Dates no Waiting

Had a date with Almost Date and a vanilla date in the same weekend. 

I ended up feeling very confused about vanilla vs kinky dating, worried about my...interactions with multiple guys in the same period of time.
Not knowing where everything is going to fit together.

Trying to figure out where everything goes in my life, blending my vanilla friends/family and my kinky leanings
I have all these vanilla friends that I adore but that are far away and questioning if I should be relying on the kinky people down here for my social life instead of trying to branch out with "regular" people
How am I supposed to talk about my life down here to my vanilla people up if it's all whips and chains and such?
Sometimes I feel like I am lying

Choices

So last night my friend K broke up with my ninja friend.  This has been a long time in coming and it really upset me for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that I held them up on a pedestal as a kinky couple or the fact that I know that my ninja friend would become absolutely heartbroken and I would want to pick up the pieces.  But in my head I know that I cannot and SHOULD NOT be the one to pick up his pieces. 

On another note, my ninja friend asked me a question last night regarding my almost date:

Ninja Friend: ...find out if [he] likes to play with all the newbies taht come to his territory or if hes selective...
...
Purple: informant #2 "[He] has only tied me up a couple times but that is it. He is great at that. And it is fun. ...He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around. He does have a couple play partners. I do not know what they do specifically other than that they play..."

So I asked him about it.

Purple: do you play with all the new girls that are in the area?
Almost Date: Nope
...
Almost Date: Well?
Purple: thats it
Almost Date: I have played with many people. I currently have a number of play partners however I don't get to see them very often. I consider myself single and looking. I am looking for "The One" The girl I'll marry.

And then I ran away from both of them.  Almost Date called me a couple of times, left me a voicemail, and texted me.  I ignored his calls, didn't return the text, deleted the voicemail.  I texted him today and apologized using the breakup as an excuse.  He was upset, thought that I would never speak to him again etc etc.  I just wish things were easier, that I made all the right choices, that I was suave and certain and knew that I was doing the right thing.....

A Tale of Two Tales

So let's see...I think i may break this post down into 2 sections: "my ninja friend" and "the date that wasn't"

My Ninja Friend

A quick synopsis of the situation:  I have an online ninja friend who is romantically involved with another friend in a far away state (K).  They have both professed their love etc etc however as of late, K has become a touch distant (ostensibly due to school, work etc etc).  Therefore, they have been talking less and he and I have been talking more. 

Our relationship is...somewhat undefined.  He is part mentor, part dom, potentional paramour, general friend and confidente.  Of late we have been talking more sexually, playing out some fantasies, teasing, saying things without really saying them.  Part of me does feel some guilt that he is talking to me like this.  I think that if they were talking more that we would not be talking as much, I seriously hope that our talking is not making things worse for them, and I am not sure that my talking to him is making things better....  Sometimes I feel like I am in the middle of their relationship, or just a placeholder for K, or a player in some weird online drama world....

The Date That Wasn't

So one of the (now) local kinky guys started messaging me pretty aggressively.  Eventually I got out of him that he asked me out.  In the midst of our conversation he drops the following tidbits:

I'm looking for thoughtful.
I'm looking for a real relationship.
I want a commited relationship

Sounds lovely yes?  Well of course that didn't last.  So we made plans and he proceeded to flirt. and tease, and bite (which TOTALLY makes me melt, like big time, I lurve biting but anyhows).  Two nights before our date (which was supposed to be a totally cliche fall activity that I was kind of excited for) he drops the following tidbit:

Him: I want you to know that I tease alot out of habit. I'm a terrible flirt.
Me: really?? i hadnt noticed ;)
Him: Because I found a girl I really like.
Me: oh? where?
Him: She lives in [not the town I live in]
Me: ah
Him: I really want to go Sunday. I just don't want to lead you along you know?
Me: well i appreaciate that, why not pursue things with her?
Him: I am
Me: ah

I close the conversation and chalk it up to another failure in my pathetic excuse for a dating history when he pops up again with a new story:

Him: I still want to go tomorrow. :(
Me: yeah i dont think that is going to happen
...
Him: [Purple]... I [want] to see you and hangout and be friends. Perhaps eventually play partners.

AH HA!  So the "I want a relationship and not just play partners" was just the lure! The bait for a very lonely kinky lass who enjoys being bitten.  Well it worked for a bit and then it didn't.  So I cried a little bit and my ninja friend and K threatened to kick his ass for me.  And now....I am at square zero again...

70%

So after talking with one of my online friends, I decided to ask him to forbid me from sleeping with MNF again.  He readily obliged and stated:

Me: can you just remind me not to sleep with MNF
Ninja Friend: as per previous agreements you are NOT to sleep with, engage with or otherwise have sex, sexual congress or interbody intimacy of any kinds ith MNF.
Me: ok ninja
Ninja Friend: *hugs* NONE FOR YOU! Be strong. I still love you

So I went over and hung out with MNF earlier this week (we watched old episodes of Dr Who ^^) and we cuddled....and made out....and he stuck his hand down my pants and made me moan a bit.....but I stuck to my guns and all pants remained intact.  He got on this kick of talking about making me cum because only one guy has done the deed (through oral) and he has not gone down on me as of yet so....

Anyway afterward I wrote down some random thoughts that needed to get out of my head that evening:

• So the Ninja Friend plan was 70% success
• pants stayed on
• my shirt came off for <5 mins
• i cried
• he asked "What's wrong?" but all I could say was "I'm ok" and "It's fine"
• I wasn't lying I didn't know how to explain
• It's more than a booty call be less than a relationship
• He is my only local social contact
• He called me beautiful and pretty and said not only does he like cuddling, but he likes cuddling with ME
• I gave him blue balls :(
• He gave himself blue balls......
• I kept saying I'm sorry
• I don't know what to do....
• My instinct is to run away but he is my only local social contact
• He called himself an asshole for hurting me
• Is he hurting me or am I hurting myself??
• It is easier for me to take all the blame and deny than to talk about it and cry

So yeah....I am not sure what....anything

Being called out by MNF

*After talking about a wedding I am going to this weekend*

Me: meh i am kinda resigned to going alone *shrug*
MNF: but you hate me anyways
Me: i dont hate you
MNF: well, it certainly didnt seem like you liked me
MNF: at the end of whatever night anyways
Me: it is easier to be mean than to be hurt
MNF: I was about to say fair enough then decided not really
Me: it ISN'T fair to you, but it's one of my defense mechanisms
MNF: You say that like it's a valid excuse and that your behavior should be looked over.
MNF: I did. But just pointing it out.
Me: do you have a better option
Me: crying everytime i get upset is not a viable option
MNF: That's fine.
MNF: But that doesn't mean you hurt other people when you hurt.
MNF: Anyways
MNF: Have you eaten?

He called me out on my shit....and it hurt a lot

What I have been doing with my life

I knew what I was getting into. 

Maybe if he hadn’t reminded me that he didn’t want a relationship I would have blissfully ignored/repressed that part of it.  I am pretty sure there was a part of me that continued to harbor the fantasy of adam coming around to see that I am super amazing and should be the love of his life….in fact, I am sure of this. 

The romantic side of me sees it as the beginning of a whirlwind romantic adventure amongst the cornstalks, but really what it most likely is is a misguided set of actions encouraged by both hormones and attempts to create a connection to another human being after being dragged from my cozy suburban abode.  So the next plan of attack is distancing. 

I will not be needing his internet services after Saturday and I will try to pawn off my renn faire ticket to…someone to avoid that mishap in the making.  After that it will most likely be a combination of forcing myself to be busy and not communicating (something which may actually work better with My Normal Friend than V seeing as how I don’t yet have the attachment to MNF that I did to V at that time).  Maybe it is the combination of MNF and moving and a new job and a fucking gas guzzling commute that isn’t allowing me to do ok.

Everyone keeps asking how the moving in is going.  Shall I tell you?  The bathtub doesn’t drain, the entire first floor smells musty, both the bathrooms need a good cleaning as does about ½ the kitchen.  The office has neither bookshelves nor a desk and looks like a tornado, half the dishes are still packed in their box, there is no art on the walls, the window situation is laughable (I live in a cave), and I cant even numb myself or distract myself with tv/internet w/o having to go somewhere else. 

As for work, well I already feel like I am not being ambitious enough (surprise), I have to learn…a lot (granted some of it is repeat stuff that I learned at my internship), I’ve never done home visits so I have no idea how that works, and I’ve never been on call (so that will be fun, plus the fact that I live not in the city in which I work).

My social life is non existant and this time I cant even rely on “backup” friends that live nearby.  I don’t even know if it would even be worth attempting to have a social life down here sometimes….

I feel  guilty that I lied to my online Dom, a lie by omission is a lie none the less, and Im lonely.  I have no routine here. I was unhappy with the “thing” we have anyway so I might as well stop talking to him as well (not that we talk that much anyway).

I don’t know if I did the right thing moving to the town I live in because of the commute but I know in my heart that I would feel even worse if I had moved to where I work because at least I have the image of connections here.  I don’t even know, sometimes, whether taking this job was a good idea.  Should I have sacrificed my home and friends and relationships for my career?  I need someone to reframe that, instead of sacrificing all those things in reality I fill in the blank. 

Im homesick and heartsick and sad and even though I keep repeating to myself “just 2 years, you can do just 2 years” sometimes it doesn’t help.  Sometimes I feel the weight of those 2 years and I just want to run home.

This is the total opposite way I felt when I went to college, I KNEW what I was doing in the sense that it felt RIGHT to leave home and go somewhere else new and exciting.  In this situation I just feel forced to accept something that, I presume, is the lesser of two evils for my career.

Things I DO like:

• I get my own desk where I can keep copies of all my worksheets/books
• I will eventually being doing a job that I truly enjoy
• I have a garbage disposal
• Grocery shopping is VERY convenient
• I know things WILL get better
• The people I work with are pretty friendly/nice
• I WILL get used to the city I work in
• I don’t live so far away that I can never come home
• I have a library/office
• I will probably end up spending  A LOT of time sitting in coffee shops writing notes
• I know that I have friends and resources I can lean on….even if only by phone/email

One week down…  1 year 51 weeks to go....

I don't know.....

So my kinky world has had some interesting interactions.

Started playing online again with a previous acquaintance. Not sure how I feel about it. I like it but...

A) he pushes pretty hard
B) he just jumped right in to the using all my toys on me
C) he jumped right in to calling the possessive and making rules about things (which I follow)
D) we play on cam but he sees me and I don't see him
E) he never says whether he enjoys it or not

So IDK how I feel about the whole thing....

Then there is the guy from MDS who also attends the munch and with whom I talk online as well. He has expressed his interest in me more than once and has invited me to a couple of events in the city. He has called me "delicious" and talked about tying me up, but I just don't feel it. He is a nice enough guy but I don't think it is going to happen, which makes me feel guilty cause I DO NOT want to lead him on but I want to be kind at the same time....it's tricky.

And tomorrow is my playdate (for which I got lots of shit tonight I might add) which I am somewhat nervous about but also excited and kind of....guilty for being excited maybe....or uncomfortable because I am gonna push myself with this and what if I like it and even more what if I don't????

:/

Maybe...IDK....I'm losing myself

I don't know where to begin at all what so ever.

V
ummm, is coming to my state/area on Thursday for 10 days, wants to see me I think? It is kind of hard to tell. "Fought" with him about, about, us/him/me? Basically told him that the only reason he wants to see me is to fuck me. He said I was making him out to be the bad guy. I tried to explain my position, he said nothing constructive/new/from his own point of view (typical) and I was left wondering if it is possible to break one's own heart? I don't know what I am going to do but all my sources are saying "no, avoid him don't connect with him, don't sleep with him" which I know are the right choices....

Online
K and I and her partner R (online and soon irl) hung out (if you can call it that online) and chatted. Then one of R's good friends, irl and online, A joined us and I didn't really think anything of it until R formally introduced K to him as his partner and there was crying on her part and smiling on mine and things were good. THEN R started talking about how he thinks that A would be a good match for me and that he liked me and how he was a good guy.....and then I hid from the webcam (because if it is just K and R I'll go on webcam, I trust them, and I don't flash them or anything so it is good) and this was after A had said I was cute (which always embarasses me cause I am very bad at accepting compliments). R basically said that K and I were already like sisters so he felt towards me the protectiveness and whatnot that he extends to others in his pack. So I guess the short version is that I am being accepted by these folks online, in this world that I feel is so separate from my real life that I don't know if I want to fall in any deeper. [Add cliche Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole reference here.]

IRL
I am going to the munch tomorrow. I am going to sign up to go to the play party on my birthday. A guy from MDS who lives in Chicago says he might show up tomorrow night.

I feel like I am being stretched in a thousand directions and I'm losing myself. I am almost longing for the school season to begin if only to give myself something to hold onto and center myself. God I hope I don't have a schizophrenic break. That would be really crappy timing....

Just another Tuesday Evening

Well another Tues munch and I return home more confused and pondery than ever.....

I have no clue what I want any more. Or rather I do but I am pretty sure that it is an impossible dream and I don't know if this direction is going to get me what I want? Maybe? I have no clue!!

What I want is :

• a relationship with a primary partner


• that sexes me good


• and would dominate me good


• and isnt old enough to be my father


• that i could bring home to mother


• lives in my state


• would dominate me in a way that is compatible with how i want to be dominated


• can put up with my type A anxious ways


• and my excessive fears


• will hold me all night long


• is intelligent


• will make me feel loved and valuable

I think that is it for the moment.....

Anyway back to the munch tonight. It was actually pretty quiet. Got patted on the head a few times, got a forehead kiss, and a different forehead kiss, and a lip kiss :) Learned a little bit more of the relationship between a couple of the munchers. Declared my upgrading of attending the play party from "absolutely not" to "probably not." However my cousin (whom I love of course) paid his money for the party....

I am not sure that I can go if he is going. I was offered the potential option of being locked in the cage/cuddle cage for the evening, which actually doesn't sound as bad as it, well, sounds. I could watch or not, converse or not, ruminate or not (although we all know I will). I seriously think I need someone to take my reins and just pull me along. I can't do it myself.....I am a coward. But if I don't do it I will end up regretting it and hate myself that much more...

Guilt

I need a mea culpa or maybe I just need some sense knocked into me. I want V. It's stupid, I know, to want someone who I question about his want for me, to want someone who has been far away since before I even wanted to be with him.

I want to be fucked. (I totally blame my first partner (way back in October) for setting this off in me and I blame V for getting my kinky juices flowing!) More specifically I want to be fucked by V, tied up and called his slut and worked over hard.

The combination of wanting V and wanting to be fucked has led to CM. This presents another problem as CM already has two lovely ladies of his own (plus a marriage IRL) on the website I frequent. Somehow I have attracted the attentions of at least 3 other gentlemen from this website. One of them really pushed my limits tonight and I just felt an overwhelming sense of guilt about the whole sordid affair.

I feel guilty talking to CM when I want V, I feel guilty wanting CM when he is already involved with multiple ladies, I feel guilty talking to these other gentlemen when I really want V, I feel guilty when I get turned on by other people when I really want V, I feel guilty for wanting V when it is such an obviously bad choice to want him so badly.

And I have no one to share this all with that won't judge me on my relationship choices (or non choices).