Balance

SO I have come to the conclusion how very guarded I am at the munches and such. As I metioned yesterday I appear very confident and flirty and in charge but in reality I am totally unable to make a move. I use the bravado to hold people at arms length so they can't find out how fragile I am....

At least I recognize this in myself I suppose. But holding people at arms length makes it much harder for people to feel like they can approach me and REALLY doesn't help me radiate a sense of "touch me for I need comfort and take control of me because I desperately want that." Instead I think I give off a "I will approach you not the other way around and I will decide when and where I want touches and such."

The dilemma is that I cannot make the first move (even though I appear to be more than confident/able to do so) and so I have to wait for the first move to be made which leaves me no where...

However, when I have expressed my fragility/uncertainty etc then I have gotten treated like I am made of glass, which is the opposite problem because who wants to risk leaving a bunch of shards on the floor to clean up.

It is an issue of balance I understand this, it is just a balancing act that I have never been able to successfully pull off.

Again it isnt a NEW problem amongst people in general, I just was thinking about it tonight on the eve of my last time at my current munch for the foreseeable future....