Maybe...IDK....I'm losing myself

I don't know where to begin at all what so ever.

V
ummm, is coming to my state/area on Thursday for 10 days, wants to see me I think? It is kind of hard to tell. "Fought" with him about, about, us/him/me? Basically told him that the only reason he wants to see me is to fuck me. He said I was making him out to be the bad guy. I tried to explain my position, he said nothing constructive/new/from his own point of view (typical) and I was left wondering if it is possible to break one's own heart? I don't know what I am going to do but all my sources are saying "no, avoid him don't connect with him, don't sleep with him" which I know are the right choices....

Online
K and I and her partner R (online and soon irl) hung out (if you can call it that online) and chatted. Then one of R's good friends, irl and online, A joined us and I didn't really think anything of it until R formally introduced K to him as his partner and there was crying on her part and smiling on mine and things were good. THEN R started talking about how he thinks that A would be a good match for me and that he liked me and how he was a good guy.....and then I hid from the webcam (because if it is just K and R I'll go on webcam, I trust them, and I don't flash them or anything so it is good) and this was after A had said I was cute (which always embarasses me cause I am very bad at accepting compliments). R basically said that K and I were already like sisters so he felt towards me the protectiveness and whatnot that he extends to others in his pack. So I guess the short version is that I am being accepted by these folks online, in this world that I feel is so separate from my real life that I don't know if I want to fall in any deeper. [Add cliche Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole reference here.]

IRL
I am going to the munch tomorrow. I am going to sign up to go to the play party on my birthday. A guy from MDS who lives in Chicago says he might show up tomorrow night.

I feel like I am being stretched in a thousand directions and I'm losing myself. I am almost longing for the school season to begin if only to give myself something to hold onto and center myself. God I hope I don't have a schizophrenic break. That would be really crappy timing....

From last night....

Maybe I'm tired of being the one who tries
Maybe I'm playing the martyr
Maybe I got hurt
Maybe I waver between trying not to get hurt again and doing something I want
I am tired
I know where it leads and I don't want to make that decision
I don't want to be responsible for hurting myself



Can you break your own heart?

To do or not to do??

So guess who is going to be back in town at the end of this month.....V. So now the big question: to V or not to V? Do I go for what I know would be a sure thing, and probably not a bad time but would end badly for me or do I continue flirting with the various others that I have been flirting with??

[side note: texting one irl from an online (non-kinky) dating site, vaguely IM'ing 2-3 from MDS, flirting vaguely with one irl from the munch, and V in reserves, I'm up to 5 potentials...]

I don't think I have anything else tonight....trying to decide if I should let V in again.....

Therapy with myself

Sitting somewhere cozy. Leaning against someone with eyes closed and hands on my shoulders.

Me: It is hard for me to say what I want.

Them: What do you mean?

Me: Laughs Exactly! It is difficult for me to spit out the words and tell someone what I want from them, what I want done to me, what I really need and crave.

Fingers move from shoulders to scalp, massaging.

Them: Why?

Me: Because there is a battle raging inside me where my good upper middle class educated self belittles the devilish lustful slutty little imp self. And I turn out anxious and neurotic.

Them: You aren't neurotic.

Me: Snorts. Clearly you don't know me very well. I build things up then I look like a fool even if only inside my head.

Them: Sounds like a tough audience in there.

Me: Yeah well, they know the script all too well and enjoy mucking about with it.

Them: Is this part of your compliment issue too?

Me: Yeah, I don't believe good things about myself. Laughs. I don't know why half the people who are friends with me are friends with me. Actually, no. I do know. It is cause we are all misfits and we have banded together to survive in a world of non-misfits. They know me, they know my quirks and my my anxieties? But new people, no I have new clue why new people think I am the way they think I am.

Hands leave hair and wrap around my waist, pulling me back.

Them: And how do you think they see you?

Settles into lap further, sighs.

Me: Cute, competent, witty, funny, brave. That is why I am giving it the summer then I will concede defeat and go on to live my life alone.

Them: A forever-aloner?

Me: Sure why not? It is as good an option as any.

Them: You sound so glib about it.

Me: Better glib than depressed and sobbing. Oh strong, I am also supposedly strong.

Them: so what do you need from me? What do you need from this? Gestures to setting

Me: I need, I need, to stop thinking, to be beaten to the point of tears. Beaten with love I guess. I need to be told that it is all fine and I am all fine and that all those things are true about me. But I need to be forced to believe them. I need to be coddled and cuddled and kept warm and drifty. That is what I need.

Them: Then that is what I will provide. It won't be easy and it may not be pleasant, but I can try to give you what you need.

Me: And all I can do is try to accept it.

Them: You will accept it, because I will tell you to do so, and you will leave here happier and freer and with some lovely souvenir bruises.

Black Bile

So I feel kind of like a neurotic ass tonight. I sent the organizer of the play party a list of questions and even though at the time I figured they were somewhat sane if not adequate representations of my thoughts/feelings when I read the reply (which was well thought out and helpful) I felt like my questions made me sound like a neurotic uptight prude of doom (which I kind of am). I just overthink things to the extreme and give myself anxiety. What can I do to stop thinking???

V has been on my mind tonight, mostly cause we haven't talked in....a week? more? I don't even know, but when I see him online, my stomach still gives a lurch and I want to talk to him and say stupid shit to him that I don't even mean cause I am tired and lonely and a little bit sad. It would have been so much easier if he had just been in the same state as me. Then we could....but it's no use speculating on what we could have because the way things worked is that we don't and we aren't and probably will never be.

I just don't know right now. I feel like just running away from the whole "relationship" aspect of the trifecta, not that the career aspect is going any better. I have a phone interview for a place 3 hours south of here. I hope that they want to pay me crap cause I am not moving 3 hours south when I just started getting settled here.

Part of this is just that I am tired and when I get tired I get melancholy. One of my burdens to bear:

• melancholy


• type A


• goody-two shoes complex


• lustful


• planner


• loud


• serious


• overthinker


• dreamer


• romantic
  

But we all have them. It isn't only myself, for example, that is having relationship issues. One of my good friends just ended things with the guy she has been seeing (who is stationed in Italy of all places) for lots of reasons and my cousin is having similar issues that I have/had with V and his girl lives only 1 hr away from him!

I guess it is just one of those days where things feel sad...

Just another Tuesday Evening

Well another Tues munch and I return home more confused and pondery than ever.....

I have no clue what I want any more. Or rather I do but I am pretty sure that it is an impossible dream and I don't know if this direction is going to get me what I want? Maybe? I have no clue!!

What I want is :

• a relationship with a primary partner


• that sexes me good


• and would dominate me good


• and isnt old enough to be my father


• that i could bring home to mother


• lives in my state


• would dominate me in a way that is compatible with how i want to be dominated


• can put up with my type A anxious ways


• and my excessive fears


• will hold me all night long


• is intelligent


• will make me feel loved and valuable

I think that is it for the moment.....

Anyway back to the munch tonight. It was actually pretty quiet. Got patted on the head a few times, got a forehead kiss, and a different forehead kiss, and a lip kiss :) Learned a little bit more of the relationship between a couple of the munchers. Declared my upgrading of attending the play party from "absolutely not" to "probably not." However my cousin (whom I love of course) paid his money for the party....

I am not sure that I can go if he is going. I was offered the potential option of being locked in the cage/cuddle cage for the evening, which actually doesn't sound as bad as it, well, sounds. I could watch or not, converse or not, ruminate or not (although we all know I will). I seriously think I need someone to take my reins and just pull me along. I can't do it myself.....I am a coward. But if I don't do it I will end up regretting it and hate myself that much more...

Better TMI than never!

TMI Tuesday: July 12, 2011
by TMI Tuesday blog
Getting to Know You – Part II



1. Which would you rather do and why?
a. yard work or house work - Housework I guess. There is something so satisfying about sitting down in a room that has everything clean and in its place :)

b. hike or run - Hike!! Running + cyclical vomiting = personal hell! (Although I will admit that I do occasionally force myself to run because a) it is good for me and b) I expends a lot of energy and sometimes I need/want that)

c. outdoor sports or indoor sports - Depends I guess. If it is nice outside then outdoor sports, if it is cold outside then indoor sports I guess. Not a huge sports person so...

d. fast food burger from the drive-thru or sit-down salad -The burger cause I am not really much of a salad person

e. yoga or aerobics - YOGA! I like to do it twice a week it is awesome!

f. ice-cream or cake; what kind? - Too hard! Can't I have my cake AND ice cream and eat them both?

g. ice cubes or hot wax; where? why? - I haven't tried hot wax (but I am VERY curious) and ice cubes are cold so....idk

h. beneath the sheets or on top? - Beneath! Gives me something to cuddle under even when hot and sweaty!

2. What was your favorite subject in high school/secondary school/upper school? - Psychology! That is why I studied it in college and grad school!

3. Do you get a full 8 hours of sleep a night? Why or why not? - Hell no. During the school year I get...maybe 7? During the weekends/summer I sleep a whole lot more!

4. What is your favorite comfort food? - ummmm Cookies maybe? or chocolate?

5. Do you match up your socks after washing and drying them, and before putting them away? - Of course! You mean not everyone does??

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? - Cerulean, cause it sounds cool!

Bonus: When you have sexual dreams or dreams about sex, what does the dream generally involve? Is it a reoccurring theme?

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Happy TMI Tuesday!