Speaking of Poly...

Foreign Territory

So J and I had a really good talk last night about potentially playing with a couple of friends in the local community.  I brought up that I might be interested in getting beaten by the guy as I had seen his technique at the Xmas party and was impressed.  I know J had talked to the girl over a dating site before they knew each other through the local scene.  We talked through what I wanted, he wanted, and our limits for the other person.

We didn't come to any big conclusions and he shared a great line (which I have promptly forgotten) to tell them if they proposition us that essentially says we are stil discussing the possibility of events ocurring.  We are going to go to a round table discussion on poly in February (I think the other couple is going to be there as well) so maybe we will get more...information or something through that. 

As I have told him, I've never had to discuss this kind of situation with anyone and I am not sure how to approach it or even think about.  And of course I have ridiculous fears of abandonment etc etc.  I already have inferiority issues around my orgasm issues (which is funny because J has inferiority issues about beating me with implements!) and J mentioned that he is used to being with partners who orgasm a lot and then he finishes after they have been satisfied.  Well I do not work that way and while he says that it is not a...frustration issue it is a situation he is not used to.  I am much more familiar with the guy getting off (perhaps making a perfunctory to get me off) but then rolling over and cuddling and being done with it. 

So basically we are both in foreign territory and trying to navigate it successfully.

Exchange

So J and I are official.  We ended up eating dinner with a local relative and her bf the other night and I felt horribly awkward becuas I could just imagine the conversation that was reported to fellow family membersand the inquisition that could follow.  So far no mention of it from said fellows...maybe the local relative has grown wise in her 20 years on earth and has decided it isn't their business.  More likely she just forgot in the excitement of school starting again but the result is the same.

So J and I exchanged "I love yous" last night.  We went to karaoke with some local kinky people, hung out and did the social thing.  I was a bit nervous at first because the hostess from the party we met at was there and I was slightly concerned about possible drama.  She happened to have her hands full however...or rather a guy had his hands full of her....Anyway it was the first time we've been "out" as a couple with the kinksters and there was some PDA, not too much, but there was some definite dirty talking happening at the end of the night for sure.  We left the bar I pulled J off to the side and attacked his mouth with mine.  Tongues were thrashing, pulses were racing, undergarments were being disturbed.  It was lovely.  Then he decided to tease me as I was driving us back to my place by groping me and touching me while I was trying to drive.  It was very distracting but thank god I made it home OK.

So we get to my place, head upstairs, get ready for bed, and start making out.  He starts fingering me and growling in my ear and just being delightful so I told him I wanted him and he obliged by fucking me ever so slowly.  Yum.  We ended up with me on top (always slightly embarassing for me because I feel a bit like a spectacle) and neither of us finished.  And it was ok.  He makes sex something that isn't porn perfect and is ok.  He asked if I wanted to finish but truly I was content burrowing into him.

We ended up talking and cuddling and touching each other for a while.  He told me he loved me.  We talked a little bit about what that means.  I told him I loved him.  He almost cried I swear.  More touching, kissing, teasing.  I stretched over to turn off the light and he pounced on me, growled in my ear that I was his, that he was going to fuck my ass someday.  I of course moaned my agreement.  We tried to go to sleep a couple of times but ended up groping and touching and kissing each other.  Probably didn't fall asleep till 1 maybe.

Today he almost sent me something (my guess is flowers) to work and we had a pseudo argumnet over him paying for everything.  So far I have given in pretty well but I warned him that time would not last much longer.  He countered by saying he would just spank me if I argued too much....somehow I feel that might be a win-win....

Who knows?

Is there such a thing as a BDSM romance?  Where one can be totally romantically in love with one's dominant? One's owner? Where two people can share their lives, bodies, emotions, and everything in between??

I want to say yes.  But who knows for sure.

Want

Sexy things J sent me while doing stream of conscious texting:

want to make love to her and hurt her and cherish her and degrade her
want to fuck her and rape her and hold her and kiss her
want to win her heart and rapefuck her body

Force Me

So I went on the date with J (movies, dinner, my place for fooling around) and then he came over/stayed over later that week.  We decided to make it official (lovers truthfully but we both know what it is) via kinky facebook.  I am scared because we kind of skipped the "nervously get to know one another and fumble around awkwardly" stage and went straight to the "sure I will share my life secrets and let you fuck me however you want" stage (exaggerated yes). 

He seems SO into me.  He says all of these incredibly romantic, makes me smile, and tingle kind of things, which I adore, but because we skipped the giddy excitement stage it makes me wonder if he likes me a lot more than I like him.  Which makes me feel guilty because I don't want to hurt him at all!! I want to spend more time with him and do all those D/s-y things that we talk about.  I want him to growl in my ear and make me twitch and spank me over his knee.  I want him to grab my hair and force me onto him.  But do I want him to do those things or do I just want those things???

Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.