Confused, Concerned, Crushed?

So I am getting worried about this date I have with Almost Date Guy.  In a moment of floaty weakness I agreed to go on this date with him, stipulating that it is to be vanilla with no cheating on his part.  By cheating, of course, I mean no biting, no caressing, basically nothing that makes me floaty.

I have asked around to a couple of ladies in the local scene regarding their experiences/opinions and I have to admit that the reviews are not super amazingly stellar.  They aren't super red flags but they are not glowing recommnedations either.

"He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around."

"Because he's a player, honey. He had whoever he can get, pretty much...I think that he doesn't believe that he can get one girl to stay with him, maybe? I'm not sure, but I think he's putting a foot on all fields."

So I am kind of nervous about what may/may not happen.  I mean part of it too is that he had originally said that he was looking for something more than just a play partner type of relationship and the signals I am getting from him are definitely more of the "short term" than long term wants. 

I do not want to put myself in a position where I know I am going to get hurt, I truly do want to learn from my past mistakes with physical vs emotional relationships....I am just not sure that I can.

Depressing posts about D/s Relationships

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The glass goes both ways...

Almost Date: The Saga Continues

So I went to a kinky event this weekend. I was planning on heading to another Halloween type party that night so I was all gussied up at Little Red Riding Hood (nailed it btw) but others were also dressed up in various ensembles so it was all good. It was a potluck/social/play event for the local communities.  It was a good time, there were a bunch of people from the munch....including almost-date guy.  So, after a rousing game of 'let's make purple blush and look at the floor' we had our potluck, played a game of Taboo (tops v bottoms, bottoms won by a landslide :) ) and then they began setting up for the play part of the evening. 

A couple of the girls headed off to use the facilities and I went to join (cause pee parties are all the rage now).  Well on my way there I was....cut off by almost date guy.  He asked if I would like him to tie me up that evening and...started touching me.  Not like groping, but those soft caressy touches that just make me melt.  So, we ended up talking in the storage room (while they were trying to store stuff) which didn't work so we ended up talking a bit outside.  All I can really remember is he asked me some questions one of them being what was I afraid of or something like that and when I finally was able to say something I basically said that I was afraid of getting hurt/letting go.  Which is true, true for many people I would say.  I remember him complimenting (?)/commenting on how fast I got all dreamy/sub spacing.

It was chilly outside and somehow I was able to say that I didn't want to play (due to not being a public player) but that we could go inside and sit and whatever.  So we go inside and sit and I end up sitting on the floor resting my head on his leg.  He touched me and made me twitch/float.  He tied my wrists together and petted my hair and called me a good girl, and made me suck his finger.  It was....good I think.  I mean I get twitchy/floaty pretty easily in the right circumstances, which is kind of embarassing for me because I get so sensitive. 

Because we were kind of off to the side and I had my eyes closed the while thing I didn't feel AS public as I really was.  Even now I am avoiding thinking about that particular aspect.  Eventually I had to "sober up" and did so somewhat reluctantly.  Drank some water, got the chills, drank some mulled cider, didn't get as much post-float touching as I like but a) I didn't voice this and b) I think he was trying not to set me off again.  We talked a little bit, I was gonna head to my next party, he had another party that he was going to go to so we were going to part ways.  He ended up asking if I wanted him to go back to my place (which I rejected because I am trying to avoid making bad choices) and he ended up calling me as I was the way to my other party to ask to go with me.  He claimed that he wanted to spend more time with me and would rather do that at a party with people he didn't know than go to his friend's party. 

I guess I am just confused as to his motivation and I am worried that I am going to be landing in another situation where it's all physical and while I most definitely enjoy that aspect I really do want more....

I don't know if it is that I don't trust him to essentially use me or that I don't trust myself to not allow myself to be used by someone that has the ability to get me all floaty.  My ninja friend told me that I need to figure both those things out and, while I agree, I don't know how to.  It is almost enough for me to go find someone to talk to about all of this but.......yes but...

Hysterical Paroxysm

Fuck

so my almost date cornered me at the munch tonight.  I love the group, they are pretty hilarious and there is a ton of laughing that goes on in the back room of the restaurant we meet at (we are even working on a group corruption of our server cause he is pretty awesome!). 

Anyway, so I am having fun all night laughing and whatnot, the almost date comes in and asks if he can talk to me before I leave so I say sure.  He then ends up sitting RIGHT next to me, like we squished a bunch of people in the booth and he squished himself in as well.  So I was kind of uncomfortable for the beginning of the night but just kind of ignored him and focused on the conversation and eventually ended up switching seats so it was fine.

The night went on and there was laughing etc etc etc but I start fading so I take my leave and the almost date follows me out and asks if he can talk to me.  I say sure and he says he wants to go out with me again.  I ask what happened with the other girl and he says that she was not interested in anything serious which is what he is looking for.  He says he wants to go out with me and not as friends as a date date.  I was...idk some emotion and told him that I would have to think about it and he says ok, gives me a hug, I leave, get in the car, and start crying.

I already feel shitty about myself and being the back up choice AGAIN by the same guy does not help with that feeling.  It makes me feel shaky and sad and numb and just worse about myself than I usually do.  My pussy says "hell yeah someone to tie you up and bite the fuck out of you sweet!" and the rest of me says, "He's is sure as hell not worth it, and you know how this is going to end up for you and you are just crazy damaged goods anyway."

I am so bad at this kind of thing...

Fates

So I slept with MNF again this week.  I went over to his house to watch a tv show with him and he initiated it and I didn't stop it.  I can't seem to help that I feel attracted to him and he makes me wet and that when we get together we end up getting physical. 

That is the part that I don't think he is willing to accept, the fact that we may not be able to be "just friends."  We are sexually attracted to one another and we like to fuck each other and we like to hang out together.  Honestly I sometimes think it would just be better if we bit the bullet and dated but he has said more than once that he is not interested in dating [me]. 

He kept trying to say that we need to stop screwing but I honestly don't think we can and just be friends and I want him to figure that out.

On another note, he tried to focus a lot on getting me off.  My nut wasn't cracked but it did feel really good.  He mentioned that "next time" he'd go down on me.... see above note for my opinion of next times...