Cece my Playmate come out and play with me...

Went to the lecture at the local club tonight. It was pretty interesting. The idea of becoming a kink-aware professional is pretty neat to me, I may end up emailing the lecturer and asking him for some career advice.

I also saw some some of the munch-ers there which was pretty cool. I got a head pat and teased one of the guys cause he was fedora-less. I had to leave then though because the after-party was for members only (which I am not). This was somewhat disappointing because I wanted to stick around and chat and flirt a little bit more. It also made me think of the upcoming play party.



I think I want to go but I am a little terrified. I seriously think I need someone to sit with me/hold my hand/distract me so I don't just get overwhelmed, but I am not sure how to tell the people I know that I need a rotating shift of handholders for the event. "So X, you know how I keep saying I am scared? Well....I kind of want to go but could you arrrange for a handholder or handholders for the evening so I don't freak out and leave? Please and thank you."

I am such a coward!!

PISSY

I am so pissed at V.

He has been trying to get a hold of me for a while but due to lack of internet/bad timing we haven’t made contact. This has actually been ok with me as I am tryihng to give him up (as I have previously written).

Anyway he managed to get a hold of me tonight to let me know he quit his job because it was really shitty. When I asked for clarification I got a “I don’t want to talk about it” and a brisk change in subject. Fine, fuck you V. I won’t try to help you with your issues and I am sure as hell not goingto ask what your plans are next. Cause even if you move back to my state, fuck you, it’s over.

So I make some super generic small talk and then what happens, he fucking goes offline! I fucking HATE when he does that. It just infuriates me to no end when I am in the middle of a conversation with someone online and they fucking go offline or stop talking with no transition. V does this all the fucking time and so I give up. I wash my hands of him, done. I had fantasies of being His but I am tired of this, I am tired of playing this game with him.


To top it off I forgot that I have a family wedding tomorrow afternoon and I made plans to go to a kinky lecture in the city tomorrow night. FUCK!

From the Sex Nerd

"So here’s some bad advice:

Single? Want to attract people? Get yourself a soul-devouring passion*.

(*Warning: soul-devouring passion probably obscures your ability to have substantial relationships with the people your passion attracts.)"

http://enagoski.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/a-fishing-show-as-the-sexiest-thing-on-television/

I'd like to thank my cousin...

...for forcing me to go to munches!

Last night was a night of firsts. I went to the munch alone (flyin solo here!), I got not 1 but 2 neck massages (and I am sore today but that may also be due to my new mattress), and I voluntarily reached out for touching! I don't know if the others realized that I was reaching out voluntarily but I knew so that is good. I was actually in a really good mood last night, did some flirting, some chatting.

I feel like I am slowly opening up to that group, it just takes me a while and honestly I am still trying to figure out what I want and where I fit. I sure as hell am still fighting against my "goody two shoes" nature. I really feel like I need someone to push me to go further and figure out what does and doesn't work for me. One of the guys last night was commenting on the difference between what my Fetlife profile interests are and what I talk about at the munches.

He commented that my saying that I was scared to go to a play party because I would get turned on was a "dom" type of comment. In my mind, being scared to be turned on at a kinky event is more about the lurking thought that I am "not supposed to" get turned on by kinky things, that I "should not" be pursuing these sexual interests than a desire to be in control. Or maybe it is a desire to be in control, the type A part of myself that needs to be broken down by someone so that I can let go and experience what turns me on.

That is what I want, to have someone force me to go beyond my need to control myself and to overthink things and clinicalize and rationalize and force me to just be. I think V knew that is what I needed but he isn't here to push me the way I need/want it. I can't go forward by myself, I need someone to hold my hand and guide me and tease that fine line between terror and ecstasy (dramatic much?). And the kicker is I want someone who is dedicated to ME and my needs. It's a tall order.

Touch Talk and Come

I want to be touched today. I want to be stroked or held or hugged or put on someone's lap for a while. Coincidentally, tonight is munch night :) So how do I express my desire to be touched to people that are essentially strangers to me but would be VERY willing to lend me a hand (so to speak)?

Do I just sit down and tell someone "I need to be touched please" ? Do I try the subtle way of edging closer and closer till I practically am sitting in someone's lap? Do I just lean into the head pats and hugs that I will probably receive? Do I take the coward's way out and tell my cousin that I want to be touched and have him tell someone to touch me? (Probably not this.)

In other news I have been requested to get off via phone with an online acquaintance (Z). He has an online Mistress but apparently she has given permission for him to "have a gf" (which I am not planning on being) and he figures getting off with me via the phone is an equivalent behavior. This is also the acquaintance who pushed me too far on a previous night. So far I have avoided this occurrence and I suppose that I should be flattered that people want to get off with/to me.

V has tried talking to me again. I have tried to be cool-y cordial. But of course now I am back to fantasizing about him fucking me and spanking me and generally being sexily rough with me. I seriously doubt he will attempt to visit me in my new place (95% moved in!!) but I don't know what I would say if he asked to visit.....

TMI

TMI Tuesday: July 5, 2011

1. If you could clone yourself, what part of your duties would you hand over to the clone: (pick one)
a. Paying the bills
b. Cooking
c. Having sex with your significant other
d. Going to your job on your behalf

2.When you are performing oral sex on a lover is it generally:
a. Because you are trying to warm them up and have it lead to intercourse
b. You love to give oral pleasure
c. They want it, so you oblige but don’t really like it
d. You like to worship cock or pussy

3. What part of love making does your partner speed through?*
a. seduction
b. foreplay
c. the deed itself

*No current partner but pertains to the last partner I had :)

4. What part do you wish they’d speed through?
I don't necessarily WANT them to speed through any part! But often times it is the foreplay and seduction that are more intense than the deed itself.

5. Who is the last person to grab your ass? When?

Probably one of my my (girl) friend's from high school 2 weeks ago....We are a gropy bunch ^^

Bonus: Describe your partner’s/lover’s/plaything’s/significant other’s penis or pussy in 10 words or less.

See #3 :(

——————

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

You can't always get what you want...

I've given up on V. He isn't giving me what I need/want and when I tell him this he blows me off. This has been happening for a while and I have tried to get past it but I give up. I am tired of interacting only when it is convenient for him. There is a big difference between being someone's sextoy and being someone's convenience. Maybe it is just distance, maybe he just lost interest. Whatever the excuse I am not getting what I need.

Speaking of getting what I need, CM is back in town apparently after his 2 week absence. I was already primed thinking about V so I called him out on it.

Me: where were you for 2 weeks?
CM: wife is home all the time, hard for me to get alone time

...

Me: i am tired of feeling used, of being a convenient way for someone else to get off
CM: sorry
CM: i will leave u alone then

2 minutes later

CM: truely am sorry :(
Me: you arent the only one, apparently it is a theme
CM: hold su tight, cuddles u
Me: sigh :-/
CM: i feel bad now, u knnow i care
Me: saying things doesnt always make them true
CM: fine, wow i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt u
ME: like i said it isnt just you
CM: but i am part of it
Me: not gonna lie i guess
CM: well i apologize

...

CM: wht can i do to help u
Me: nothing, i have been too tired/busy lately and it is making me cranky/melancholy
CM: holds u in my arms
Me: thanks
CM: licks u all over

aaaaaand then he signed off.....fucker