Angst

I've been sad a couple of times lately. Deep overwhelming sobbing sadness. I can't decide if it is from my depression or my circumstances or a combination of both. J quit smoking on Monday and has been somewhat tense and moody and of sexual with me at all. I feel rejected. Logically I understand he is streak g and essentially detoxing but at the same time I feel very pushed to the side. I feel forgotten in th e ashes that no longer consume him if I may be so poetic. I miss those ten minute breaks I would get when he would go out for a cigarette. I find myself wanting him to leave during commercials because ... Is it because I was so used to it? We are working on moving my stuff in to his place. It isn't ours. It's still his. I need to move like ripping off a bandaid but how do I do that and not freak out? He hasn't been pushing me mostly because I think he is trying to help me limit potential freaking out. Maybe that is part of me feeling rejected? Or his comments on my art. Or his comments about how I interact with my friends and family? His interest in me and him fucking other people Or.... Who knows. Maybe it's truly all in my head... Maybe I am just a chronically depressed person in a stressful job who is too passive to do... Something??

I'm angry

I'm angry.  I'm angry that my week got fucked up because of my car accident.  I'm angry that I let my mother take me up north, I'm angry that I have to fuck with getting a new car and make a decision and second guess myself about it, I'm angry that I'm angry, I'm angry I took the whole week off of work for this shit, I'm angry that I'm sore but not sore enough to warrant all this.  I'm angry that I am getting fussed over for surviving as well as I did.

My most recent sex map...

My most recent sex map

Stream of Consciousness

so I just had a talk with T a girl that J and I both agree that she is adorable and there have been tentative discussions about her being someone that we could both enjoy....being with in some way.  she invited the two of us to watch her try a marathon of squirting.  we had a small conversation about her squirting abilities and how her whole set up would work and protocol because I know for a fact if J and I are observers at her marathon squirting session that we'll get turned on and i'll want to fuck him and he'll want to fuck me (more than he will want to fuck her because yes i still have insecurities about that).  and i am curious about doing something sexual with another woman.  ive never labeled myself as bi but ive never denied the possibility that it might be sometime i explore at some point in my life.  but im scared because its new and i have these super intense feelings for J and i know he has super intense feelings for me and i am not used to this kind of intensity much less it being successful so i feel llike i have to hide some of my feelings because i cant have him have that ammunition against me when we separate.  but I told T that she had been part of our tentative discussions and she appeared flattered maybe a little confused flustered but i felt that we were in a good spot to confess that to her.  it absolutely terrifies me to imagine what would happen if we were to include her.  would i feel intense jealousy over the attributes that she has that i do not, would i cry because i would fear losing him, would i feel guilt for enjoying the experience (whether that be guilt for enjoying being sexual with a woman or guilt for feeling neagtive feelings about the experience if i were to have them).

Dancin' Dancin' Dancin'

So J and I have really been exploring this whole anal sex thing.  Overall it has gone well.  It makes me cum hard but there remains some discomfort/concern over cleanliness for me.

I went out with an old friend of mine from grad school this evening.  It was pretty fun.  She just went through a yucky divorce and is rediscovering her amazing ability to pick up men and to act as a wing woman for her friends.  So there we were she was flirting with one guy, her friend was deep in conversation with another, and I was just hanging out.  I felt kind of left out, like I should be trying to find a guy to flirt with (even I love love LOVE J).

By the end of the evening my friend's guy was drunk and talking to me about the size of phones/penises and her friend had snuck out with the guy she was flirting with and I was feeling pretty damn content with my relationship.

I did miss J tonight.  I wanted his solid presence, his hands touching me, tight around the back of my neck like an invisible collar.  I wanted to dance with him and kiss him, grind against him and feel him growl in my ear.

But that must wait until another date :)

Hello my name is...

So J thinks being called "Daddy" is hot.  I have never really thought about calling anyone "Daddy" in a sexual way but I HAVE had some serious thoughts about wanting a daddy type dom.  A dom who is not always fierce and scary and violent, but can cuddle and comfort and care after he has ravaged me.

J is that kind of dom.  He hits me and marks me and calls me names and fucks me roughly then lets me come and holds me tight, stroking my hair, talking softly to me while I convulse in his arms unable to speak.  And I absolutely love him for it.  There have been moments lately where I have felt the...urge/desire to call him Daddy.  Not only because I know he likes it and it turns him on but because he holds me and caresses me and loves me with his body and his words and his looks.

We had anal sex last week.  My first time.  It was amazing.  He made me touch myself while he talked me through it and told me I was a good girl.  While he was inside me I came.  Hard.  And suddenly.  One minute I was moaning into the bed and then next I was screaming that I was cumming.  Screaming his name and "Oh my god."  And then I was convulsing, couldn't move, even more so than usual.  And he held me tight and told me how amazing it was for him that I climaxed with his cock inside my ass.  He didn't finish but it was so amazing and so...love filled (course maybe that was the climax talking).

Update

J and I have been exploring some play with the toys he bought at a local kinky auction earlier this month.  He bought a pair of rabbit fur lined cuffs, a collar (that we eventually had to trade in for a different one that fits), and a metal ring with 4 chains/hooks attached.  He put the cuffs and collar on me and put his own velcro cuffs on my ankles.  then he hooked me up to the chains and hit me with his hand and a spatula.

We decided that it would be better if the chains were shorter but that may require a trip to Dom depot in the future.  I am kind of excited because this Saturday we have scheduled a "Cuddle/Monkey Day."  In other words, a day of alternating between cuddling on the couch/in bed and having crazy kinky monkey sex :) We also have a roundtable discussion on polyamory and a superbowl party on Sunday.  It is going to be a crazy weekend.

We were sitting on my couch after a long day at work today and he noticed that I am subscribed to "Kinky Buddhists" on the kinky facebook.  He began to argue about how one could be both Buddhist and into BDSM and started to...annoy me.  Maybe I interpreted it poorly but I guess I saw it as a challenge to my beliefs.  While I am not an active "car carrying" buddhist I feel an affinity for the spirituality that it encompasses that I think is...lacking? misguided? misinterpreted? in Christianity and its various branches.

It bothered me at the time but J is just...blunt like that

Worship

J and I had some really hot sex last night.  We talked a little about doing something similar to my last post and holy crap it was super hot.  I got hit a lot (sides = bad, ass = good) and he fingered me while I touched myself and came.  He made me thank him while I came and it was hot.  After a bit of a rest the real fun began.

I kissed across his chest and stomach.  I nibbled his nipples and nipped at his flesh while he moaned.  I worked my way down across his stomach and to the vee of his crotch.  I teased the inside of his thighs and ran my tongue around them licking up and down.  I ended up kissing and licking all the way down to his toes and sucked on each toe, bit his foot, rubbed it against me.  A weird thing happened, I never thought I would enjoy or could even convince myself to go that far but I just got in this mindset of being his and worshipping his body and making him make noises and groans and twitch like I do.  I suckled both his feet, all his toes, and massaged in between them with my tongue.

He loved it and loved doing it to him and for him.

I crawled my way up to his cock and licked and nuzzled his balls, perineum, I may have even gotten some ass in there.  And he touched himself and twitched and moaned and CAME.  He came so hard.  He shot all the way up his chest.  And I loved it and I loved him and I want to get into the worshiping slavish mindset with him all over again and again and again.

Devotion

I want to get on my knees, lie abased on the floor for you.  I want to kiss and suck on each of your toes, marveling at the feel of it, the thought that this is what I should be doing, what I should have been doing long ago.  Work my way up to your ankles holding and stroking and kissing and loving every part of you.  Crawl up to your legs and knees, and lick them love them, rub against them gently.  I want to continue crawling up to your thighs, massaging and groping teasing your cock with oh so soft kisses and barely there licks with the very very tip of my tongue to make you gasp and moan and grab me by the back of my neck and force me to you.

I want to work my way up your stomach, your arms, your chest and neck and back.  I want to cover you with my mouth, with kisses, with a show of utter devotion to you.  To show you that I love you, every part of you.

Under the sun

So J found this blog and read it...or is in the process of I am not exactly sure.  We have been having some really sexy kinky yummy experiences (hanging from a hook on a door, spanking, etc etc) which has been delightful.  We have some some super heavy talking about us and sex and kink and us/sex and us/kink and kink/sex just absolutely everything under the sun.  It is amazing how close to him I feel most of the time.  And I know the psychology of increasing intimacy by sharing details of one's life with another person blah blah blah.  apparently it is true.

I am not sure how I feel about him reading this...I think I may ok from when he started reading to the beginning (might as well) but negate any new posts.  He texted me something this evening after having read some more of my blog and it made me cry:

...I now have a better understanding of how much you've been treated like shit.  Let me be clear...I want you.  I want you more than I care about doing anything or exploring anything with others.  And just because you want to try things with others doesn't mean there has to be quid pro quo.  I don't want you to EVER think that I'm more interested in someone else, or using you as an...Entrance ticket....

(I am pretty sure that the term "Entrance ticket" is from here but I don't know where off the top of my head.)  so then I cried and told him that I was crying and he called me and it was ok.  And not "I'm just saying ok to make you go away" an honest "I'm ok and I'm crying but I am truly ok."

And we talked about other things and more about our boundaries and his sadistic side that he hasn't unleashed yet and my wanting to experience that with him and making sure we are both ok and safe and happy and loved.  It was a good talk.  I love talking about that kind of stuff with him.  I think mostly because it isn't just me being anxious and neurotic and worrying.  It is open and honest and feels ok.

So for now I am just going to save this as a draft.  We shall see what the sun brings tomorrow...

Speaking of Poly...

Foreign Territory

So J and I had a really good talk last night about potentially playing with a couple of friends in the local community.  I brought up that I might be interested in getting beaten by the guy as I had seen his technique at the Xmas party and was impressed.  I know J had talked to the girl over a dating site before they knew each other through the local scene.  We talked through what I wanted, he wanted, and our limits for the other person.

We didn't come to any big conclusions and he shared a great line (which I have promptly forgotten) to tell them if they proposition us that essentially says we are stil discussing the possibility of events ocurring.  We are going to go to a round table discussion on poly in February (I think the other couple is going to be there as well) so maybe we will get more...information or something through that. 

As I have told him, I've never had to discuss this kind of situation with anyone and I am not sure how to approach it or even think about.  And of course I have ridiculous fears of abandonment etc etc.  I already have inferiority issues around my orgasm issues (which is funny because J has inferiority issues about beating me with implements!) and J mentioned that he is used to being with partners who orgasm a lot and then he finishes after they have been satisfied.  Well I do not work that way and while he says that it is not a...frustration issue it is a situation he is not used to.  I am much more familiar with the guy getting off (perhaps making a perfunctory to get me off) but then rolling over and cuddling and being done with it. 

So basically we are both in foreign territory and trying to navigate it successfully.

Exchange

So J and I are official.  We ended up eating dinner with a local relative and her bf the other night and I felt horribly awkward becuas I could just imagine the conversation that was reported to fellow family membersand the inquisition that could follow.  So far no mention of it from said fellows...maybe the local relative has grown wise in her 20 years on earth and has decided it isn't their business.  More likely she just forgot in the excitement of school starting again but the result is the same.

So J and I exchanged "I love yous" last night.  We went to karaoke with some local kinky people, hung out and did the social thing.  I was a bit nervous at first because the hostess from the party we met at was there and I was slightly concerned about possible drama.  She happened to have her hands full however...or rather a guy had his hands full of her....Anyway it was the first time we've been "out" as a couple with the kinksters and there was some PDA, not too much, but there was some definite dirty talking happening at the end of the night for sure.  We left the bar I pulled J off to the side and attacked his mouth with mine.  Tongues were thrashing, pulses were racing, undergarments were being disturbed.  It was lovely.  Then he decided to tease me as I was driving us back to my place by groping me and touching me while I was trying to drive.  It was very distracting but thank god I made it home OK.

So we get to my place, head upstairs, get ready for bed, and start making out.  He starts fingering me and growling in my ear and just being delightful so I told him I wanted him and he obliged by fucking me ever so slowly.  Yum.  We ended up with me on top (always slightly embarassing for me because I feel a bit like a spectacle) and neither of us finished.  And it was ok.  He makes sex something that isn't porn perfect and is ok.  He asked if I wanted to finish but truly I was content burrowing into him.

We ended up talking and cuddling and touching each other for a while.  He told me he loved me.  We talked a little bit about what that means.  I told him I loved him.  He almost cried I swear.  More touching, kissing, teasing.  I stretched over to turn off the light and he pounced on me, growled in my ear that I was his, that he was going to fuck my ass someday.  I of course moaned my agreement.  We tried to go to sleep a couple of times but ended up groping and touching and kissing each other.  Probably didn't fall asleep till 1 maybe.

Today he almost sent me something (my guess is flowers) to work and we had a pseudo argumnet over him paying for everything.  So far I have given in pretty well but I warned him that time would not last much longer.  He countered by saying he would just spank me if I argued too much....somehow I feel that might be a win-win....

Who knows?

Is there such a thing as a BDSM romance?  Where one can be totally romantically in love with one's dominant? One's owner? Where two people can share their lives, bodies, emotions, and everything in between??

I want to say yes.  But who knows for sure.

Want

Sexy things J sent me while doing stream of conscious texting:

want to make love to her and hurt her and cherish her and degrade her
want to fuck her and rape her and hold her and kiss her
want to win her heart and rapefuck her body

Force Me

So I went on the date with J (movies, dinner, my place for fooling around) and then he came over/stayed over later that week.  We decided to make it official (lovers truthfully but we both know what it is) via kinky facebook.  I am scared because we kind of skipped the "nervously get to know one another and fumble around awkwardly" stage and went straight to the "sure I will share my life secrets and let you fuck me however you want" stage (exaggerated yes). 

He seems SO into me.  He says all of these incredibly romantic, makes me smile, and tingle kind of things, which I adore, but because we skipped the giddy excitement stage it makes me wonder if he likes me a lot more than I like him.  Which makes me feel guilty because I don't want to hurt him at all!! I want to spend more time with him and do all those D/s-y things that we talk about.  I want him to growl in my ear and make me twitch and spank me over his knee.  I want him to grab my hair and force me onto him.  But do I want him to do those things or do I just want those things???

Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.

Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

BDSM Problem #154

BDSM Problem #154

When the term good girl starts to become the synonym for being a dirty submissive little slut that wants to get tortured and used

Happy (Kinky) Holidays!!

So I took the plunge and went to the Christmas munch/play party in a neighboring town.  I knew a couple of people that were going to be attending but most of the aquaintances I have met since moving were attending a different play party that evening.

It was a ton of fun.  I bought a garter belt and a pair of stockings and wore them underneath my red sweater dress and felt SUPER sexy *grin*

So I went to the party and there was a lot of food and a couple of people I chatted with and some others that I had met once before but hadn't really talked to.  We sat and ate and it was lovely.  Then we played the White Elephant grab bag game and it was hilarious! Everyone brought some sort of pervertable gift bag and it was hilarious!  I ended up stealing another player's bag that had some lovely rope, a dish cleaning brush, a funnel, electrical tape, a cheap hanger with clamps, and an over the door hook.

OMG the over the door hook is a delightful g spot toy ^^ accompanied by the fake hitachi I came twice in like 5 minutes! Never before! Thank you kinky Xmas friends!!

After the presents and such people once again hung out and played in an adjacent room set up with spanking benches.  I ended up doing some stretches and exposing myself a little bit *blush* but actually left the party semi early.  I am really glad I went.  I got to re-meet a bunch of people, added some friends on Fet, got a few compliments *blush* but that is another story.