Angst

I've been sad a couple of times lately. Deep overwhelming sobbing sadness. I can't decide if it is from my depression or my circumstances or a combination of both. J quit smoking on Monday and has been somewhat tense and moody and of sexual with me at all. I feel rejected. Logically I understand he is streak g and essentially detoxing but at the same time I feel very pushed to the side. I feel forgotten in th e ashes that no longer consume him if I may be so poetic. I miss those ten minute breaks I would get when he would go out for a cigarette. I find myself wanting him to leave during commercials because ... Is it because I was so used to it? We are working on moving my stuff in to his place. It isn't ours. It's still his. I need to move like ripping off a bandaid but how do I do that and not freak out? He hasn't been pushing me mostly because I think he is trying to help me limit potential freaking out. Maybe that is part of me feeling rejected? Or his comments on my art. Or his comments about how I interact with my friends and family? His interest in me and him fucking other people Or.... Who knows. Maybe it's truly all in my head... Maybe I am just a chronically depressed person in a stressful job who is too passive to do... Something??

I'm angry

I'm angry.  I'm angry that my week got fucked up because of my car accident.  I'm angry that I let my mother take me up north, I'm angry that I have to fuck with getting a new car and make a decision and second guess myself about it, I'm angry that I'm angry, I'm angry I took the whole week off of work for this shit, I'm angry that I'm sore but not sore enough to warrant all this.  I'm angry that I am getting fussed over for surviving as well as I did.

My most recent sex map...

My most recent sex map

Stream of Consciousness

so I just had a talk with T a girl that J and I both agree that she is adorable and there have been tentative discussions about her being someone that we could both enjoy....being with in some way.  she invited the two of us to watch her try a marathon of squirting.  we had a small conversation about her squirting abilities and how her whole set up would work and protocol because I know for a fact if J and I are observers at her marathon squirting session that we'll get turned on and i'll want to fuck him and he'll want to fuck me (more than he will want to fuck her because yes i still have insecurities about that).  and i am curious about doing something sexual with another woman.  ive never labeled myself as bi but ive never denied the possibility that it might be sometime i explore at some point in my life.  but im scared because its new and i have these super intense feelings for J and i know he has super intense feelings for me and i am not used to this kind of intensity much less it being successful so i feel llike i have to hide some of my feelings because i cant have him have that ammunition against me when we separate.  but I told T that she had been part of our tentative discussions and she appeared flattered maybe a little confused flustered but i felt that we were in a good spot to confess that to her.  it absolutely terrifies me to imagine what would happen if we were to include her.  would i feel intense jealousy over the attributes that she has that i do not, would i cry because i would fear losing him, would i feel guilt for enjoying the experience (whether that be guilt for enjoying being sexual with a woman or guilt for feeling neagtive feelings about the experience if i were to have them).

Dancin' Dancin' Dancin'

So J and I have really been exploring this whole anal sex thing.  Overall it has gone well.  It makes me cum hard but there remains some discomfort/concern over cleanliness for me.

I went out with an old friend of mine from grad school this evening.  It was pretty fun.  She just went through a yucky divorce and is rediscovering her amazing ability to pick up men and to act as a wing woman for her friends.  So there we were she was flirting with one guy, her friend was deep in conversation with another, and I was just hanging out.  I felt kind of left out, like I should be trying to find a guy to flirt with (even I love love LOVE J).

By the end of the evening my friend's guy was drunk and talking to me about the size of phones/penises and her friend had snuck out with the guy she was flirting with and I was feeling pretty damn content with my relationship.

I did miss J tonight.  I wanted his solid presence, his hands touching me, tight around the back of my neck like an invisible collar.  I wanted to dance with him and kiss him, grind against him and feel him growl in my ear.

But that must wait until another date :)

Hello my name is...

So J thinks being called "Daddy" is hot.  I have never really thought about calling anyone "Daddy" in a sexual way but I HAVE had some serious thoughts about wanting a daddy type dom.  A dom who is not always fierce and scary and violent, but can cuddle and comfort and care after he has ravaged me.

J is that kind of dom.  He hits me and marks me and calls me names and fucks me roughly then lets me come and holds me tight, stroking my hair, talking softly to me while I convulse in his arms unable to speak.  And I absolutely love him for it.  There have been moments lately where I have felt the...urge/desire to call him Daddy.  Not only because I know he likes it and it turns him on but because he holds me and caresses me and loves me with his body and his words and his looks.

We had anal sex last week.  My first time.  It was amazing.  He made me touch myself while he talked me through it and told me I was a good girl.  While he was inside me I came.  Hard.  And suddenly.  One minute I was moaning into the bed and then next I was screaming that I was cumming.  Screaming his name and "Oh my god."  And then I was convulsing, couldn't move, even more so than usual.  And he held me tight and told me how amazing it was for him that I climaxed with his cock inside my ass.  He didn't finish but it was so amazing and so...love filled (course maybe that was the climax talking).

Update

J and I have been exploring some play with the toys he bought at a local kinky auction earlier this month.  He bought a pair of rabbit fur lined cuffs, a collar (that we eventually had to trade in for a different one that fits), and a metal ring with 4 chains/hooks attached.  He put the cuffs and collar on me and put his own velcro cuffs on my ankles.  then he hooked me up to the chains and hit me with his hand and a spatula.

We decided that it would be better if the chains were shorter but that may require a trip to Dom depot in the future.  I am kind of excited because this Saturday we have scheduled a "Cuddle/Monkey Day."  In other words, a day of alternating between cuddling on the couch/in bed and having crazy kinky monkey sex :) We also have a roundtable discussion on polyamory and a superbowl party on Sunday.  It is going to be a crazy weekend.

We were sitting on my couch after a long day at work today and he noticed that I am subscribed to "Kinky Buddhists" on the kinky facebook.  He began to argue about how one could be both Buddhist and into BDSM and started to...annoy me.  Maybe I interpreted it poorly but I guess I saw it as a challenge to my beliefs.  While I am not an active "car carrying" buddhist I feel an affinity for the spirituality that it encompasses that I think is...lacking? misguided? misinterpreted? in Christianity and its various branches.

It bothered me at the time but J is just...blunt like that