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I am so lonely but I keep getting rejected by the one person I know down here.  Last night was pretty bad.  I was feeling rejected by MNF, then I was talking to my friend Ninja (to whom I have been talking a lot lately) and our conversation went something like this:

Ninja: you should clean in a sexy outfit *nods*
Me: hmm? lol
Ninja: put on some good music
Me: that was kind of random ninja lol
Ninja: whcih?
...
Me: the clean in a sexy outfit comment
Ninja: oh. no so much. its a stress reliever. gives you somethign to focus on was in my brain when I microflashed ;)
Ninja: sides you;d look good in it :D
Me: ninja! if it was anyone else i'd say you were hitting on me! :p
...
Ninja: *smiles* I'm just stating fact and truth. if I was hitting on you, I'd choose something tha would make you wet, ting and smiel whith that little red you get. :D lol.
Ninja: but the thought has crossed my mind afew times. ;)

It kind of freaked me out.  I adore Ninja, he is a mentor and a friend and confidante and......well, he is Ninja.  But I don't know how to relate to him as someone who wants to hit on me, or at least has thought about it.  It is like finding out that your best friend wants to fuck you five ways from Sunday (not that Ninja is my best friend but it is a similar feeling). 

THEN, Ninja's mate K, another good friend (who has been going through kind of a busy/rough patch) was texting me and told me she missed me and that just was the last straw and I started crying.  How can someone miss you when you've never met??? (even though I've totally told her I miss talking to her as well)

So the combination of feeling uncomfortable with new information, being missed, feeling rejected, and feeling incredibly lonely (oh and my self diagnosed Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood) made me incredibly depressed and I cried for the rest of the evening on and off.  I was exhausted this morning and it kind of lasted all day.  I cannot wait to get my new rx filled so that my meds are balanced again...I think that will help.

A Post of Reposts

70%

So after talking with one of my online friends, I decided to ask him to forbid me from sleeping with MNF again.  He readily obliged and stated:

Me: can you just remind me not to sleep with MNF
Ninja Friend: as per previous agreements you are NOT to sleep with, engage with or otherwise have sex, sexual congress or interbody intimacy of any kinds ith MNF.
Me: ok ninja
Ninja Friend: *hugs* NONE FOR YOU! Be strong. I still love you

So I went over and hung out with MNF earlier this week (we watched old episodes of Dr Who ^^) and we cuddled....and made out....and he stuck his hand down my pants and made me moan a bit.....but I stuck to my guns and all pants remained intact.  He got on this kick of talking about making me cum because only one guy has done the deed (through oral) and he has not gone down on me as of yet so....

Anyway afterward I wrote down some random thoughts that needed to get out of my head that evening:

• So the Ninja Friend plan was 70% success
• pants stayed on
• my shirt came off for <5 mins
• i cried
• he asked "What's wrong?" but all I could say was "I'm ok" and "It's fine"
• I wasn't lying I didn't know how to explain
• It's more than a booty call be less than a relationship
• He is my only local social contact
• He called me beautiful and pretty and said not only does he like cuddling, but he likes cuddling with ME
• I gave him blue balls :(
• He gave himself blue balls......
• I kept saying I'm sorry
• I don't know what to do....
• My instinct is to run away but he is my only local social contact
• He called himself an asshole for hurting me
• Is he hurting me or am I hurting myself??
• It is easier for me to take all the blame and deny than to talk about it and cry

So yeah....I am not sure what....anything

Being called out by MNF

*After talking about a wedding I am going to this weekend*

Me: meh i am kinda resigned to going alone *shrug*
MNF: but you hate me anyways
Me: i dont hate you
MNF: well, it certainly didnt seem like you liked me
MNF: at the end of whatever night anyways
Me: it is easier to be mean than to be hurt
MNF: I was about to say fair enough then decided not really
Me: it ISN'T fair to you, but it's one of my defense mechanisms
MNF: You say that like it's a valid excuse and that your behavior should be looked over.
MNF: I did. But just pointing it out.
Me: do you have a better option
Me: crying everytime i get upset is not a viable option
MNF: That's fine.
MNF: But that doesn't mean you hurt other people when you hurt.
MNF: Anyways
MNF: Have you eaten?

He called me out on my shit....and it hurt a lot

My Confession

I want to be a slave.

I want to open up the door and be pinned to the wall by my throat and kissed until I can't breathe, or maybe it is the hand on my throat that is keeping me from breathing.  I want to gasp at the same time as I am pulled to my knees by my hair, growled at that I am to be owned for the evening that I better be a good little slut.  I want my mind to go blank as I am dragged to the stairs, forced face down and blinfolded, wrists locked together, maybe a foot on the back of my neck so that I dig into the carpeting in the stairs and all I can do is gasp my moans out. 

I want to be pulled upright and dragged up the stairs, thrown on the floor and my clothes ripped off me with an evil chuckle.  I want to be stroked softly, have nails scratched down my back.  I want to be restrained and taunted, teased until I can't speak and then brought to the brink of coming.  I want to be talked to threateningly, teasingly, in a growl in my ear.

I want to be collared and leashed and controlled until I lose my sense of self.

This is my confession

Desiderata

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Don't stick your body parts in the self sabotaging push-me-pull-me

So in the original Dr Dolittle movie, Doolittle finds a creature called a "push-me-pull-me"

It is this creature I have become, or more likely have always been and am just now recognizing it in its entirety.  I got a phone call from MNF yesterday while on the drive home.  He was also on his way home and we ended up driving right behind each other for the last leg of our commute.  He was bored apparently and asked if I wanted to get dinner.  I agreed and we met up at his place.....well the inevitable happened and even though I think I have been trying to warn him:

Wherein he is the "dick" and I am the "crazy."  We ended up talking about it and he claimed to continue to want to try to hang out and I began distancing procedures and by that I mean I started being a bitch so that he would be repulsed and stop wanting to be around me/talk to me....and I am scared that it worked.  He had, jokingly, given me me grief for spelling his last name incorrectly in his phone and I fixed it today and texted him to announce this.  Why I did this I am not sure...I don't think it was to restablish contact with him today but unconsciously who knows.

MNF: I thought you were distancing
Me: Just an update, don't read into it.
MNF: Okay. Because you certainly tried to tear me down when leaving yesterday.
Me: I do that.  It's what I do, not the best coping mechanism assuredly but it is what I have.

and then there was silence.

I am really struggling this season with my relationship issues.  The combination of trying to express myself in a relationship while at the same time keeping a distance in the event that I get hurt ends up with me pushing people away which makes me sad and depressed.  I absolutely understand WHAT I am doing.  I can certainly put forth some serious hypotheses as to WHY I do this.  I cannot seem to CHANGE what I do.  As I have often told people (clients and non-clients alike), change is hard but if you don't change what you are doing then you will not change the results. 

Part of it is I don't know WHAT to do to change this pattern I find myself repeating.  I can only talk (or write) about it for so long before it starts getting too emotional and I cannot bear to be weak in front of those with whom I discuss these things.  On the one hand I seriously want to discuss this very painful side of myself.  On the other hand, I cannot bear to show weakness after I have struggled so long to contain that side of myself, which inhibits the kind of communication that most likely needs to occur.

It is exhausting. 

Music of Love!

What I have been doing with my life

I knew what I was getting into. 

Maybe if he hadn’t reminded me that he didn’t want a relationship I would have blissfully ignored/repressed that part of it.  I am pretty sure there was a part of me that continued to harbor the fantasy of adam coming around to see that I am super amazing and should be the love of his life….in fact, I am sure of this. 

The romantic side of me sees it as the beginning of a whirlwind romantic adventure amongst the cornstalks, but really what it most likely is is a misguided set of actions encouraged by both hormones and attempts to create a connection to another human being after being dragged from my cozy suburban abode.  So the next plan of attack is distancing. 

I will not be needing his internet services after Saturday and I will try to pawn off my renn faire ticket to…someone to avoid that mishap in the making.  After that it will most likely be a combination of forcing myself to be busy and not communicating (something which may actually work better with My Normal Friend than V seeing as how I don’t yet have the attachment to MNF that I did to V at that time).  Maybe it is the combination of MNF and moving and a new job and a fucking gas guzzling commute that isn’t allowing me to do ok.

Everyone keeps asking how the moving in is going.  Shall I tell you?  The bathtub doesn’t drain, the entire first floor smells musty, both the bathrooms need a good cleaning as does about ½ the kitchen.  The office has neither bookshelves nor a desk and looks like a tornado, half the dishes are still packed in their box, there is no art on the walls, the window situation is laughable (I live in a cave), and I cant even numb myself or distract myself with tv/internet w/o having to go somewhere else. 

As for work, well I already feel like I am not being ambitious enough (surprise), I have to learn…a lot (granted some of it is repeat stuff that I learned at my internship), I’ve never done home visits so I have no idea how that works, and I’ve never been on call (so that will be fun, plus the fact that I live not in the city in which I work).

My social life is non existant and this time I cant even rely on “backup” friends that live nearby.  I don’t even know if it would even be worth attempting to have a social life down here sometimes….

I feel  guilty that I lied to my online Dom, a lie by omission is a lie none the less, and Im lonely.  I have no routine here. I was unhappy with the “thing” we have anyway so I might as well stop talking to him as well (not that we talk that much anyway).

I don’t know if I did the right thing moving to the town I live in because of the commute but I know in my heart that I would feel even worse if I had moved to where I work because at least I have the image of connections here.  I don’t even know, sometimes, whether taking this job was a good idea.  Should I have sacrificed my home and friends and relationships for my career?  I need someone to reframe that, instead of sacrificing all those things in reality I fill in the blank. 

Im homesick and heartsick and sad and even though I keep repeating to myself “just 2 years, you can do just 2 years” sometimes it doesn’t help.  Sometimes I feel the weight of those 2 years and I just want to run home.

This is the total opposite way I felt when I went to college, I KNEW what I was doing in the sense that it felt RIGHT to leave home and go somewhere else new and exciting.  In this situation I just feel forced to accept something that, I presume, is the lesser of two evils for my career.

Things I DO like:

• I get my own desk where I can keep copies of all my worksheets/books
• I will eventually being doing a job that I truly enjoy
• I have a garbage disposal
• Grocery shopping is VERY convenient
• I know things WILL get better
• The people I work with are pretty friendly/nice
• I WILL get used to the city I work in
• I don’t live so far away that I can never come home
• I have a library/office
• I will probably end up spending  A LOT of time sitting in coffee shops writing notes
• I know that I have friends and resources I can lean on….even if only by phone/email

One week down…  1 year 51 weeks to go....