1. What puts you in a creative mood?
Anything outdoors puts me in a creative mood. When I sit and relax outside on my porch or wander around outside that gets my creative juices flowing. I also like going to places that are artsy in nature, seeing other peoples' artwork and creative expression makes me want to produce my own.
2. What puts you in a silly mood?
Watching my dog puts me in a silly mood. I think it is the nature of fluffy beasts to be able to enchant us two legged persons into getting down on the floor and look ridiculous and leave us feeling refreshed and energized afterwards.
3. What puts you in a contemplative mood?
Being alone puts me in a contemplative mood. Whether I am alone in my car eating lunch, wandering around the city on a day off, or sitting in a park, being alone makes me think of myself and others and the grand scheme of things. Existential.
4. What puts you in a competitive mood?
I am not a hugely competitive person but a good family game of scrabble will definitely set me up to be competitive. Watching sports in big group will also get me competitively excited, even if I don't care about the sport or the team!
5. If you consider yourself a talkative person, what puts you in a quiet mood? If you consider yourself a quiet person, what puts you in a talkative mood?
I always have a problem with this type of question. I used to always categorize myself as a quiet person but am lately feeling more like a talkative person. I am very talkative with my friends, when I've been imbibing, when I feel comfortable in my surroundings is when I am the most talkative. I am quiet when there are fewer people around, when I am contemplating life, when I don't know anyone, when I am depressed.
6. What can a person do that will instantly put you in a sexy mood?
Tell me to crawl to them lol. Whisper dirty things in my ear. All the usual apply.
Bonus: What song puts you in a sexy mood? If possible post a link to the song so that we can listen to it.
Lick by joi
Glory Hole by Portishead
http://youtu.be/yF-GvT8Clnk
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Why me?
When I ask what people see in me, it isn't a challenge to them, I just want to know why in the world they would choose me. I do not see myself in a positive light the majority of the time. I am not sure that I am worthy of being loved or cared for by someone, even virtually. I think that there are many others who would be better off than me to be loved and cared for. I don't see those qualities in myself that others see. I just want to know, in the end, why me?
Why Won't You Answer Me?
I found myself fantasizing about CM tonight and not V....
I am not sure how I feel about this.
I am not sure how I feel about this.
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Tale of Two Lovers
So what to say what to say.
I feel rejected by V. We don't talk at all like we used to and I don't know what if anything has caused the change. It could just be him moving to Colorado and having a new job. It could be me saying that I was talking to other people. It could be nothing, it could be everything. I sent him a message on FB saying that, who knows if he'll respond, or what he'll say, in my experience nothing that neutralizes my discomfort. It makes me sad.
I don't know that CM and I are on the same page. He keeps insisting that he just wants to help me by pushing my limits and that he is there for me and wants me to be safe, but at the same time I feel as though our ideas of what I want are different. He, I think, wants more control than I do. I have a feeling I am an "in the bedroom" kind of girl, or at least a "in a relationship" kind of girl. I am not a 24/7 kind of girl. As I told him this evening, I have too much to do in my life to be 24/7. On the other hand, I want to experience some of the darker things, to be controlled, to be hit, to be tied up and used for someone else's pleasure.
I wish I could just not, just give it all up. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel rejected by V. We don't talk at all like we used to and I don't know what if anything has caused the change. It could just be him moving to Colorado and having a new job. It could be me saying that I was talking to other people. It could be nothing, it could be everything. I sent him a message on FB saying that, who knows if he'll respond, or what he'll say, in my experience nothing that neutralizes my discomfort. It makes me sad.
I don't know that CM and I are on the same page. He keeps insisting that he just wants to help me by pushing my limits and that he is there for me and wants me to be safe, but at the same time I feel as though our ideas of what I want are different. He, I think, wants more control than I do. I have a feeling I am an "in the bedroom" kind of girl, or at least a "in a relationship" kind of girl. I am not a 24/7 kind of girl. As I told him this evening, I have too much to do in my life to be 24/7. On the other hand, I want to experience some of the darker things, to be controlled, to be hit, to be tied up and used for someone else's pleasure.
I wish I could just not, just give it all up. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I don't know what to do with myself.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wanting and Loving
I want V to tell me that he wants me, that he wants to be with me, that he misses my skin next to his, tasting me on his lips. I want him to tell me that he misses kissing my forehead, holding my hand, feeling me lean up against him.
Parts of me are ready to give him up (again) but we all know how well that worked the last couple of times I attempted it (read: still talking to him). Then he goes and says things that make me melt and quiver and want him to love me.
V: i want to see your body
V: feel it in my hands
But how can one fall in love with someone so far away? How can one fall in love with someone's virtual self? the argument could be made that one's virtual self is equal to one's "real" self, but if that is the case then why all the questioning? Is it because there are those who actively choose to present themselves as not their real self?
IDK what this started out as and I am definitely sure IDK what it turned out to be but here it is in all its glory :)
Parts of me are ready to give him up (again) but we all know how well that worked the last couple of times I attempted it (read: still talking to him). Then he goes and says things that make me melt and quiver and want him to love me.
V: i want to see your body
V: feel it in my hands
But how can one fall in love with someone so far away? How can one fall in love with someone's virtual self? the argument could be made that one's virtual self is equal to one's "real" self, but if that is the case then why all the questioning? Is it because there are those who actively choose to present themselves as not their real self?
IDK what this started out as and I am definitely sure IDK what it turned out to be but here it is in all its glory :)
Misery by Maroon 5
So scared of breaking it
But you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters
I won't ever send
Sometimes these cuts are so much
Deeper than they seem
You'd rather cover up
I'd rather let them be
So let me be
And I'll set you free
[CHORUS]
I am in misery
There ain't no other
Who can comfort me
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
Now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Your salty skin and how
It mixes in with mine
The way it feels to be
Completely intertwined
It's not that I didn't care
It's that I didn't know
It's not what I didn't feel,
It's what I didn't show
So let me be
And I'll set you free
You say your faith is shaken
You may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and
Waiting for the sun
I'm desperate and confused
So far away from you
I'm getting here
I don't care where I have to go
Why do you do what you do to me, yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah
Why do you do what you do to me yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah
(been stuck in my head all day!)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Rabbit Rabbit
So starts another month and with it comes an existentialist rambling in the vein of stream of consciousness that happened to pass through my mind last night.
Went to the IML Leather Market with a friend of mine on Monday. It was very arousing. I think it was just the overall atmosphere that was arousing because my friend and I were NOT the target audience (being neither gay nor male nor leather-ly inclined). It was a lot of fun and there was lots of leather gear (naturally) and some very tempting toys in the flogger/cropper/cuff department. Overall the hottest things there though were the people. Specifically two CLEARLY kinky couples.
The first was a pair of men, one of whom laced the other onto a bondage board. While this was going on the sub was being fondled and played with and you could tell he liked it. His top/Sir/Master/What have you was very tender with him, kissing him, talking to him, making sure that he was comfortable. When we passed that booth a second time, the sub was still bound and his partner had thoughtfully blindfolded him and was kissing him again.
The second was another pair of men, dressed in leather, the sub/bottom/slave in slightly less than his dom/top/Master of course. The sub was on his knees, hands behind his back and was kissing a leather floggger in his dom's lap. The sub had a new red welty mark on his thigh, probably the result of said flogger. All the while he was kissing the flogger his dom was stroking his hair in approval, it was the first REAL example of a sub/dom relationship that I've seen (above example excepted)and it was SUPER hot.
So what do these two relationships have in common in my mind? The fact that I screamed in my head that I wanted to be in them! That I wanted to be bound to a board and touched by someone I love, that I want to thank a Sir for flogging me and feel his hand stroking my hair, telling me I'm a good girl.
So why don't I have this you ask? Well, part of it is cowardice, fear of something new, even something pleasurable. Part of it is the feeling of unpreparedness, as if I have to experience more before I attempt this as a real life experience. Part of it is that I want this to happen with V, that I feel comfortable, aroused, excited to try these things with him.
Speaking of unpreparedness, CM and I had a somewhat disconcerting discussion late last night. We were discussing the fact that I had been to IML and were discussing the possibility of my augmenting my collection of goods based on what I saw there when the topic of anal arose:
CM: u know u have a thing about anal
CM: i will tell u this i dom will push that issue
ME: why?
CM: because alot of men want anal
CM: even to stretch u
ME: so i should prep for something because others may want it?
CM: your dom [will] push your boundaries
...
ME: :s
CM: [it] sux i know
...
CM: your dom will want u push yourself and anal if never done it will be a major issue
ME: *wrinkles nose
CM: im sorry but i can almost garuantee that
Now I will admit that V may have snuck a finger up there and it felt good, but at the same time this is something that I need to move slowly on and only when I am damn turned on! This falls into the category of "SCARY" and needs to be treated as such. So far this is the only thing that CM has suggested that has truly pushed my comfort and it is an unpleasant feeling....
Went to the IML Leather Market with a friend of mine on Monday. It was very arousing. I think it was just the overall atmosphere that was arousing because my friend and I were NOT the target audience (being neither gay nor male nor leather-ly inclined). It was a lot of fun and there was lots of leather gear (naturally) and some very tempting toys in the flogger/cropper/cuff department. Overall the hottest things there though were the people. Specifically two CLEARLY kinky couples.
The first was a pair of men, one of whom laced the other onto a bondage board. While this was going on the sub was being fondled and played with and you could tell he liked it. His top/Sir/Master/What have you was very tender with him, kissing him, talking to him, making sure that he was comfortable. When we passed that booth a second time, the sub was still bound and his partner had thoughtfully blindfolded him and was kissing him again.
The second was another pair of men, dressed in leather, the sub/bottom/slave in slightly less than his dom/top/Master of course. The sub was on his knees, hands behind his back and was kissing a leather floggger in his dom's lap. The sub had a new red welty mark on his thigh, probably the result of said flogger. All the while he was kissing the flogger his dom was stroking his hair in approval, it was the first REAL example of a sub/dom relationship that I've seen (above example excepted)and it was SUPER hot.
So what do these two relationships have in common in my mind? The fact that I screamed in my head that I wanted to be in them! That I wanted to be bound to a board and touched by someone I love, that I want to thank a Sir for flogging me and feel his hand stroking my hair, telling me I'm a good girl.
So why don't I have this you ask? Well, part of it is cowardice, fear of something new, even something pleasurable. Part of it is the feeling of unpreparedness, as if I have to experience more before I attempt this as a real life experience. Part of it is that I want this to happen with V, that I feel comfortable, aroused, excited to try these things with him.
Speaking of unpreparedness, CM and I had a somewhat disconcerting discussion late last night. We were discussing the fact that I had been to IML and were discussing the possibility of my augmenting my collection of goods based on what I saw there when the topic of anal arose:
CM: u know u have a thing about anal
CM: i will tell u this i dom will push that issue
ME: why?
CM: because alot of men want anal
CM: even to stretch u
ME: so i should prep for something because others may want it?
CM: your dom [will] push your boundaries
...
ME: :s
CM: [it] sux i know
...
CM: your dom will want u push yourself and anal if never done it will be a major issue
ME: *wrinkles nose
CM: im sorry but i can almost garuantee that
Now I will admit that V may have snuck a finger up there and it felt good, but at the same time this is something that I need to move slowly on and only when I am damn turned on! This falls into the category of "SCARY" and needs to be treated as such. So far this is the only thing that CM has suggested that has truly pushed my comfort and it is an unpleasant feeling....
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