Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I've been sad a couple of times lately. Deep overwhelming sobbing sadness. I can't decide if it is from my depression or my circumstances or a combination of both. J quit smoking on Monday and has been somewhat tense and moody and of sexual with me at all. I feel rejected. Logically I understand he is streak g and essentially detoxing but at the same time I feel very pushed to the side. I feel forgotten in th e ashes that no longer consume him if I may be so poetic. I miss those ten minute breaks I would get when he would go out for a cigarette. I find myself wanting him to leave during commercials because ... Is it because I was so used to it? We are working on moving my stuff in to his place. It isn't ours. It's still his. I need to move like ripping off a bandaid but how do I do that and not freak out? He hasn't been pushing me mostly because I think he is trying to help me limit potential freaking out. Maybe that is part of me feeling rejected? Or his comments on my art. Or his comments about how I interact with my friends and family? His interest in me and him fucking other people Or.... Who knows. Maybe it's truly all in my head... Maybe I am just a chronically depressed person in a stressful job who is too passive to do... Something??