Stream of Consciousness

so I just had a talk with T a girl that J and I both agree that she is adorable and there have been tentative discussions about her being someone that we could both enjoy....being with in some way.  she invited the two of us to watch her try a marathon of squirting.  we had a small conversation about her squirting abilities and how her whole set up would work and protocol because I know for a fact if J and I are observers at her marathon squirting session that we'll get turned on and i'll want to fuck him and he'll want to fuck me (more than he will want to fuck her because yes i still have insecurities about that).  and i am curious about doing something sexual with another woman.  ive never labeled myself as bi but ive never denied the possibility that it might be sometime i explore at some point in my life.  but im scared because its new and i have these super intense feelings for J and i know he has super intense feelings for me and i am not used to this kind of intensity much less it being successful so i feel llike i have to hide some of my feelings because i cant have him have that ammunition against me when we separate.  but I told T that she had been part of our tentative discussions and she appeared flattered maybe a little confused flustered but i felt that we were in a good spot to confess that to her.  it absolutely terrifies me to imagine what would happen if we were to include her.  would i feel intense jealousy over the attributes that she has that i do not, would i cry because i would fear losing him, would i feel guilt for enjoying the experience (whether that be guilt for enjoying being sexual with a woman or guilt for feeling neagtive feelings about the experience if i were to have them).