Worship

J and I had some really hot sex last night.  We talked a little about doing something similar to my last post and holy crap it was super hot.  I got hit a lot (sides = bad, ass = good) and he fingered me while I touched myself and came.  He made me thank him while I came and it was hot.  After a bit of a rest the real fun began.

I kissed across his chest and stomach.  I nibbled his nipples and nipped at his flesh while he moaned.  I worked my way down across his stomach and to the vee of his crotch.  I teased the inside of his thighs and ran my tongue around them licking up and down.  I ended up kissing and licking all the way down to his toes and sucked on each toe, bit his foot, rubbed it against me.  A weird thing happened, I never thought I would enjoy or could even convince myself to go that far but I just got in this mindset of being his and worshipping his body and making him make noises and groans and twitch like I do.  I suckled both his feet, all his toes, and massaged in between them with my tongue.

He loved it and loved doing it to him and for him.

I crawled my way up to his cock and licked and nuzzled his balls, perineum, I may have even gotten some ass in there.  And he touched himself and twitched and moaned and CAME.  He came so hard.  He shot all the way up his chest.  And I loved it and I loved him and I want to get into the worshiping slavish mindset with him all over again and again and again.

Devotion

I want to get on my knees, lie abased on the floor for you.  I want to kiss and suck on each of your toes, marveling at the feel of it, the thought that this is what I should be doing, what I should have been doing long ago.  Work my way up to your ankles holding and stroking and kissing and loving every part of you.  Crawl up to your legs and knees, and lick them love them, rub against them gently.  I want to continue crawling up to your thighs, massaging and groping teasing your cock with oh so soft kisses and barely there licks with the very very tip of my tongue to make you gasp and moan and grab me by the back of my neck and force me to you.

I want to work my way up your stomach, your arms, your chest and neck and back.  I want to cover you with my mouth, with kisses, with a show of utter devotion to you.  To show you that I love you, every part of you.

Under the sun

So J found this blog and read it...or is in the process of I am not exactly sure.  We have been having some really sexy kinky yummy experiences (hanging from a hook on a door, spanking, etc etc) which has been delightful.  We have some some super heavy talking about us and sex and kink and us/sex and us/kink and kink/sex just absolutely everything under the sun.  It is amazing how close to him I feel most of the time.  And I know the psychology of increasing intimacy by sharing details of one's life with another person blah blah blah.  apparently it is true.

I am not sure how I feel about him reading this...I think I may ok from when he started reading to the beginning (might as well) but negate any new posts.  He texted me something this evening after having read some more of my blog and it made me cry:

...I now have a better understanding of how much you've been treated like shit.  Let me be clear...I want you.  I want you more than I care about doing anything or exploring anything with others.  And just because you want to try things with others doesn't mean there has to be quid pro quo.  I don't want you to EVER think that I'm more interested in someone else, or using you as an...Entrance ticket....

(I am pretty sure that the term "Entrance ticket" is from here but I don't know where off the top of my head.)  so then I cried and told him that I was crying and he called me and it was ok.  And not "I'm just saying ok to make you go away" an honest "I'm ok and I'm crying but I am truly ok."

And we talked about other things and more about our boundaries and his sadistic side that he hasn't unleashed yet and my wanting to experience that with him and making sure we are both ok and safe and happy and loved.  It was a good talk.  I love talking about that kind of stuff with him.  I think mostly because it isn't just me being anxious and neurotic and worrying.  It is open and honest and feels ok.

So for now I am just going to save this as a draft.  We shall see what the sun brings tomorrow...

Speaking of Poly...

Foreign Territory

So J and I had a really good talk last night about potentially playing with a couple of friends in the local community.  I brought up that I might be interested in getting beaten by the guy as I had seen his technique at the Xmas party and was impressed.  I know J had talked to the girl over a dating site before they knew each other through the local scene.  We talked through what I wanted, he wanted, and our limits for the other person.

We didn't come to any big conclusions and he shared a great line (which I have promptly forgotten) to tell them if they proposition us that essentially says we are stil discussing the possibility of events ocurring.  We are going to go to a round table discussion on poly in February (I think the other couple is going to be there as well) so maybe we will get more...information or something through that. 

As I have told him, I've never had to discuss this kind of situation with anyone and I am not sure how to approach it or even think about.  And of course I have ridiculous fears of abandonment etc etc.  I already have inferiority issues around my orgasm issues (which is funny because J has inferiority issues about beating me with implements!) and J mentioned that he is used to being with partners who orgasm a lot and then he finishes after they have been satisfied.  Well I do not work that way and while he says that it is not a...frustration issue it is a situation he is not used to.  I am much more familiar with the guy getting off (perhaps making a perfunctory to get me off) but then rolling over and cuddling and being done with it. 

So basically we are both in foreign territory and trying to navigate it successfully.

Exchange

So J and I are official.  We ended up eating dinner with a local relative and her bf the other night and I felt horribly awkward becuas I could just imagine the conversation that was reported to fellow family membersand the inquisition that could follow.  So far no mention of it from said fellows...maybe the local relative has grown wise in her 20 years on earth and has decided it isn't their business.  More likely she just forgot in the excitement of school starting again but the result is the same.

So J and I exchanged "I love yous" last night.  We went to karaoke with some local kinky people, hung out and did the social thing.  I was a bit nervous at first because the hostess from the party we met at was there and I was slightly concerned about possible drama.  She happened to have her hands full however...or rather a guy had his hands full of her....Anyway it was the first time we've been "out" as a couple with the kinksters and there was some PDA, not too much, but there was some definite dirty talking happening at the end of the night for sure.  We left the bar I pulled J off to the side and attacked his mouth with mine.  Tongues were thrashing, pulses were racing, undergarments were being disturbed.  It was lovely.  Then he decided to tease me as I was driving us back to my place by groping me and touching me while I was trying to drive.  It was very distracting but thank god I made it home OK.

So we get to my place, head upstairs, get ready for bed, and start making out.  He starts fingering me and growling in my ear and just being delightful so I told him I wanted him and he obliged by fucking me ever so slowly.  Yum.  We ended up with me on top (always slightly embarassing for me because I feel a bit like a spectacle) and neither of us finished.  And it was ok.  He makes sex something that isn't porn perfect and is ok.  He asked if I wanted to finish but truly I was content burrowing into him.

We ended up talking and cuddling and touching each other for a while.  He told me he loved me.  We talked a little bit about what that means.  I told him I loved him.  He almost cried I swear.  More touching, kissing, teasing.  I stretched over to turn off the light and he pounced on me, growled in my ear that I was his, that he was going to fuck my ass someday.  I of course moaned my agreement.  We tried to go to sleep a couple of times but ended up groping and touching and kissing each other.  Probably didn't fall asleep till 1 maybe.

Today he almost sent me something (my guess is flowers) to work and we had a pseudo argumnet over him paying for everything.  So far I have given in pretty well but I warned him that time would not last much longer.  He countered by saying he would just spank me if I argued too much....somehow I feel that might be a win-win....

Who knows?

Is there such a thing as a BDSM romance?  Where one can be totally romantically in love with one's dominant? One's owner? Where two people can share their lives, bodies, emotions, and everything in between??

I want to say yes.  But who knows for sure.

Want

Sexy things J sent me while doing stream of conscious texting:

want to make love to her and hurt her and cherish her and degrade her
want to fuck her and rape her and hold her and kiss her
want to win her heart and rapefuck her body

Force Me

So I went on the date with J (movies, dinner, my place for fooling around) and then he came over/stayed over later that week.  We decided to make it official (lovers truthfully but we both know what it is) via kinky facebook.  I am scared because we kind of skipped the "nervously get to know one another and fumble around awkwardly" stage and went straight to the "sure I will share my life secrets and let you fuck me however you want" stage (exaggerated yes). 

He seems SO into me.  He says all of these incredibly romantic, makes me smile, and tingle kind of things, which I adore, but because we skipped the giddy excitement stage it makes me wonder if he likes me a lot more than I like him.  Which makes me feel guilty because I don't want to hurt him at all!! I want to spend more time with him and do all those D/s-y things that we talk about.  I want him to growl in my ear and make me twitch and spank me over his knee.  I want him to grab my hair and force me onto him.  But do I want him to do those things or do I just want those things???