Apparently I like canes

So I had a playdate with the Gentleman and his Sub this weekend.  Went over to their house and got the tour.  The gentleman used his multi-purpose leather implement to choke me and hold me down while he and the sub touched me and tickled me and such.  They pinned me to the bed and the gentleman kissed me and bit me and growled in my ear, very delightful.  Eventually he tied me face down to the bed and hit me with a number of things.  2 different canes, a crop, a couple different floggers, a paddle I think, and his hand.  The sub was holding my arms down the whole time and they kept having little exchanges back and forth about what they thought I liked and my reactions to different implements and such.

It was kind of weird to be talked about like I wasn't there but in a sense I wasn't.  At one point the laid me down on the floor, ankles still tied to the bed post, and the gentleman worked over my front a bit.  Then he went in for the kill and started fingering me both through and around my underwear.  It felt really good, he is good at being forceful like that, but I felt like he was trying to make me cum and I knew I wasn't going to be able to and I freaked out and started crying and we had to stop.  So they untied me and we sat on the floor for a bit then I went into his bathroom and curled up on his bathroom floor and sobbed a little bit.  The sub came in with a blanket and talked to me for a bit and eventually I came out and helped the gentleman tease her a bit (no climax for her either but by his choice).  We got undressed, cuddled up in his bed and she and I jacked him off under the covers until he came, then we all passed out.

Honestly, I did not sleep that well but when we all woke up I got teased a little bit more and we played with the gentleman and he fucked my tits for a bit and had me go down on him a bit with no climax.  Anyway, the sub demanded an explanation for the night before so I eventually talked to her about it.


The Sub: so before i go to sleep and have nightmares...can we talk about last night? because it scared me and i want to know how it happend and avoid it at all coast...

Me: i am sorry it scared you *sigh* it is very ocmplicated and i try to avoid the issue if i can *sigh*
The Sub: please...just this one time...share.  i promis not to judge or anything...just let me understand please
Me: i am a hard nut to crack and so when people attempt to crack the nut and inevitably dont then i feel like a failure and get depressed and cry. and then i run away and dont talk about because i have failed and i dont like to fail
The Sub: :( i'm so sorry darling. and i can with alomost 99% surety say he wasn't trying to crack you...just hear more of those sounds and twitches. in no way shape or form did you fail. the point was having fun, for all...and as we saw in the morning fun doesn't have to mean orgasim. how do we help you not to feel like taht again? tell me how to fix it. i don't want you sad
Me: i know it is just a negative cognition and an issue i have and expectations and such and so forth but yeah i am too perfectionistic to not feel like a failure when i am in a situation where i expect certain things to happen and then they dont and i always turn things inward because well it is a combination of melancholic nature and poor environmental responses in childhood which i choose also to ignore because i have way too much going on the try to fix the patterns that are (for the most part) working for me
The Sub: help me figure out phrases or a course of action that prevents that from happening again, time with either one of us should not be spend on any time at all thinking on these.  would more pauses be good? not so much focuse between your legs? telling you not to cum? (then you'd deffenetly not be failing) :-D
Me: the between the legs action did not help, felt lovely but did not help
The Sub: ok...so asside from the occasional trip there not intently....and a few breaks to check in with where you are
Me: yeah i guess it makes me very uncomfortable to even talk about it and i am very good at avoiding talking about it and well i am usually better at faking being ok but apparently that facade was fucked last night
The Sub: i'm glad it was...for our sake just so we can make sure everything is wonderful the whole time
So yeah, I am glad she thinks that it is work out-able and she mentioned wanting to plan another adventure the next time I am in town.  I was kind of disappointed by how few marks I ended up with and she said that she mentioned that to the gentleman and he did say he was going easy on me as it was my first introduction to the hittables but that he DOES have a bigger cane.  She also mentioned that "he won't garuntee not to ever try to make you cum," which makes me nervous....but que sera I suppose.  I cannot force him to not try to get me to cum, just put up with it if/when he does.

I know

So My Ninja Friend and I have been having increasingly steamy conversations with each other.  Well tonight he was talking to me on the phone while touching himself and came on the phone with me.  Immediately I became depressed because the first thought that came into my head was "He is now just going to use me to get off when he is horny just like everyone else I know because that is all I am to them."

And I know if I tell him this that he will vehemently deny it and will try to convince me and I know that this is just a negative cognition in my head (along the lines of "I am not good enough for anything but getting other people off").  But it is gonna stay in my head, cause that is how I am.

I am flawed.  I can't give myself to anyone because I keep repeating to myself that I am not good enough for anything but getting people off while I am left unloved and unfulfilled.  V, MNF, Almost Date.....that is all I am good for, being a tool for guys to get off and then reject when they are sated.  The worst part is, I KNOW that these are just cognitive distortions that come out when I am depressed and I know what I would tell friends that say they are thinking this way......but I can't go and talk to someone about about it because I am supposed to be the expert and know how to fix this issue in others...I just can't do it for myself.

Making Sense

Went on a date with the archaeologist (aka Dr. Jones) this weekend, lunch nothing special and we texted a bunch back and forth this evening.  I like him, he is smart and we have a lot to talk about.  We actually ended up having a conversation about sex and porn tonight (a fun topic for sure) and he made me laugh.  I don't know if he is more serious material but I do like him. 
Been talking to V more.  He is really coming into his dominant side with me...well at least online.  He seems to be getting into it that is for sure.  He is planning on visiting my town mid-December so I will probably get fucked and slapped around a lot :D

Speaking of getting fucked, I have a new policy of not sleeping with people unless I am dating them.  I think that this is gonna save me a lot of stress in the future....

My evening with MNF.....we watched  Thor, he started rubbing/scratching my back and ass and I started moaning and writhing a bit.  Then he got hot and bothered and took off my shirt/bra.  He bit me (which we all know I love) and I ended up giving him a blowjob.  We went to get a snack at the gas station after and he apparently felt like post-blowjob talk cause he talked about his friendship with my cousin and how he has been moody and whatever.  Then he flat out said that he didn't want to date me.  That was a blow to my ego, I am good enough to make him cum but not to date....and he does not seem to understand that if we hang out together we end up fooling around.  So once again I am going to have to not hang out with him so that I do not get hurt.

Going to be seeing the gentleman next weekend.  Spending time with him and his sub will be nice.  I feel the need to get beaten......

Haven't heard a whole lot from Almost Date.  Pretty sure nothing is going to happen with that, at least nothing serious...We hung out after the munch and talked a bit about his other play partners (at least 4 that he mentioned various distances away from him) and how he doesn't play that much supposedly (1-2 times per month). And of course he reiterated that he is looking for a permanent partner blah blah blah.  Sigh, I will probably give up on him too...

Trying to find a spot to hang out with my Kitten friend in the big city next weekend since I will be home for Thanksgiving.  Don't know if he will end up tying me up, due to time constraints, but yeah.

Did a lot of errands yesterday (got a new driver's license, almost bought a mini crop at a livestock store, bought new clothes for work, bought groceries).  Made cookies and buckeyes for next week.

Talked dirty with My Ninja Friend for a bit, it is pretty hot he makes me twitch.  Actually, I have been twitching pretty easily lately...Not sure if it is because I have become more conditioned to it or what...  i think he is the closest to my ideal kind of partner.  I do not think I could be his partner because of distance and other complications but in temperment and whatnot I find him very...reassuring and safe.

Bad Choices

Hung out with MNF tonight for the first time in a looooong time.  It was a bad choice.

Left me feeling like once again like all I am good enough for is sex. I know this is negative cognition and blah blah blah but it made me cry anyway.

Post Play Date #1

Random Thoughts on a (play) date with Almost-Date

It was good....and yet i feel somwhat neutral...
I'm not sure why exactly, maybe I was just really tired or numbed out or something
He would like an act II
I enjoyed my evening, we made out and there was some slight removal of clothing and biting which was fun
I think he smells good and I do like him
Idk if it is a like like kind of thing and he DOES have a lot of play partners which, in theory, would be better if it didn't bother me but it isn't my ideal situation....
In theory I could be ok with that if I had more information (who and how many would be a good start I guess) but at this point it isn't my place to be THAT girl
And even if it was (which I have been told for safety and health etc) I am not good at all asking those questions w/o feeling like I am intruding/nagging etc
I AM going to adopt a policy of not sleeping with someone unless I am dating dating them though

Two Dates no Waiting

Had a date with Almost Date and a vanilla date in the same weekend. 

I ended up feeling very confused about vanilla vs kinky dating, worried about my...interactions with multiple guys in the same period of time.
Not knowing where everything is going to fit together.

Trying to figure out where everything goes in my life, blending my vanilla friends/family and my kinky leanings
I have all these vanilla friends that I adore but that are far away and questioning if I should be relying on the kinky people down here for my social life instead of trying to branch out with "regular" people
How am I supposed to talk about my life down here to my vanilla people up if it's all whips and chains and such?
Sometimes I feel like I am lying

Choices

So last night my friend K broke up with my ninja friend.  This has been a long time in coming and it really upset me for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that I held them up on a pedestal as a kinky couple or the fact that I know that my ninja friend would become absolutely heartbroken and I would want to pick up the pieces.  But in my head I know that I cannot and SHOULD NOT be the one to pick up his pieces. 

On another note, my ninja friend asked me a question last night regarding my almost date:

Ninja Friend: ...find out if [he] likes to play with all the newbies taht come to his territory or if hes selective...
...
Purple: informant #2 "[He] has only tied me up a couple times but that is it. He is great at that. And it is fun. ...He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around. He does have a couple play partners. I do not know what they do specifically other than that they play..."

So I asked him about it.

Purple: do you play with all the new girls that are in the area?
Almost Date: Nope
...
Almost Date: Well?
Purple: thats it
Almost Date: I have played with many people. I currently have a number of play partners however I don't get to see them very often. I consider myself single and looking. I am looking for "The One" The girl I'll marry.

And then I ran away from both of them.  Almost Date called me a couple of times, left me a voicemail, and texted me.  I ignored his calls, didn't return the text, deleted the voicemail.  I texted him today and apologized using the breakup as an excuse.  He was upset, thought that I would never speak to him again etc etc.  I just wish things were easier, that I made all the right choices, that I was suave and certain and knew that I was doing the right thing.....

Confused, Concerned, Crushed?

So I am getting worried about this date I have with Almost Date Guy.  In a moment of floaty weakness I agreed to go on this date with him, stipulating that it is to be vanilla with no cheating on his part.  By cheating, of course, I mean no biting, no caressing, basically nothing that makes me floaty.

I have asked around to a couple of ladies in the local scene regarding their experiences/opinions and I have to admit that the reviews are not super amazingly stellar.  They aren't super red flags but they are not glowing recommnedations either.

"He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around."

"Because he's a player, honey. He had whoever he can get, pretty much...I think that he doesn't believe that he can get one girl to stay with him, maybe? I'm not sure, but I think he's putting a foot on all fields."

So I am kind of nervous about what may/may not happen.  I mean part of it too is that he had originally said that he was looking for something more than just a play partner type of relationship and the signals I am getting from him are definitely more of the "short term" than long term wants. 

I do not want to put myself in a position where I know I am going to get hurt, I truly do want to learn from my past mistakes with physical vs emotional relationships....I am just not sure that I can.

Depressing posts about D/s Relationships

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.