1. What time did you go to bed last night and were you alone?
1145 and I was, unfortunately, alone.
2. If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?
I would like an unlimited amount of Borders/Barnes and Nobles gift cards! It would be heaven!
3. What was the last film that really moved/disturbed/thrilled you and why?
District 9. I was expecting a typical horror/alien movie but it really surprises you with the racism/inequality theme. Also, the very last scene is a heartbreaker!
4. What is your favorite way to wake up and what is the first thing you do?
I like waking up naturally when it is before noon! I like to be able to sleep in but still wake up with time to do stuff. I love being able to laze in bed and not rush in getting out of my cozy nest of blankets. My second favorite way to wake up is with someone next to me that I can curl up next to while I wake up all the way.
5. You’ve been granted an extra hour in the day, what are you going to do?
a. Sleep more
b. Extend a sexual interlude
c. Shop
d. Finally fit in that workout that you usually can’t make time for
I would choose "a" for sure and if he was available "b"!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
I love you
Scenario 1
I snuggle in closer to you, my head buried in your chest, arms pulled in tight. I want to feel secure after our play time. My ass is still gently throbbing in time with my clit. I had happily been spanked, tied, and fucked for hours by you. The steady rhythm of your hand making contact with my flesh still rings in my ear. I replay the scene in my head, one of your hands in my hair pulling my head from side to side. The other hand gripping and pinching my breast and nipple. All the while shoving yourself in me, describing how hot and wet and tight I was, all for you. I push my face into your chest and nibble, "Love you," I murmur into your skin sleepily. I feel you shift to kiss the top of my head softly,
"Love you too sweet."
Scenario 2
"I love you," I whisper into your neck.
"What'd you say hun?" You reply.
"Nothin'" I whisper, blushing.
"What did you say?" You repeat, waking up slightly.
"Nothing, I didn't say anything." I repeat tensing slightly. You push me onto my back and lean over me.
"What. Did. You. Say?" You demand, a hint of growl creeping into your voice. My eyes go wide as your hand starts to twine itself into my sleep massed hair.
"I love you." I whisper, my lips barely moving and pulse beginning to quicken.
"I didn't hear you." You tug at my hair and I moan quietly.
"I love you." I say quietly, looking anywhere but at your face looming above me.
"What did you say?" You repeat, pulling my face towards yours and pushing my chin up so my eyes meet yours. "Louder."
"I-I love you."
"Louder."
"I love you."
"Who do you love?"
"You! I love you!"
"WHO do you love?"
"I love YOU master! I love you!" I cry, tears beginning to pool at the corner of my eyes. You tilt my head up and leave the barest of kisses on my forehead, kiss the tear tracks down my cheeks and put your lips on mine.
"I love you too, my little toy."
I snuggle in closer to you, my head buried in your chest, arms pulled in tight. I want to feel secure after our play time. My ass is still gently throbbing in time with my clit. I had happily been spanked, tied, and fucked for hours by you. The steady rhythm of your hand making contact with my flesh still rings in my ear. I replay the scene in my head, one of your hands in my hair pulling my head from side to side. The other hand gripping and pinching my breast and nipple. All the while shoving yourself in me, describing how hot and wet and tight I was, all for you. I push my face into your chest and nibble, "Love you," I murmur into your skin sleepily. I feel you shift to kiss the top of my head softly,
"Love you too sweet."
Scenario 2
"I love you," I whisper into your neck.
"What'd you say hun?" You reply.
"Nothin'" I whisper, blushing.
"What did you say?" You repeat, waking up slightly.
"Nothing, I didn't say anything." I repeat tensing slightly. You push me onto my back and lean over me.
"What. Did. You. Say?" You demand, a hint of growl creeping into your voice. My eyes go wide as your hand starts to twine itself into my sleep massed hair.
"I love you." I whisper, my lips barely moving and pulse beginning to quicken.
"I didn't hear you." You tug at my hair and I moan quietly.
"I love you." I say quietly, looking anywhere but at your face looming above me.
"What did you say?" You repeat, pulling my face towards yours and pushing my chin up so my eyes meet yours. "Louder."
"I-I love you."
"Louder."
"I love you."
"Who do you love?"
"You! I love you!"
"WHO do you love?"
"I love YOU master! I love you!" I cry, tears beginning to pool at the corner of my eyes. You tilt my head up and leave the barest of kisses on my forehead, kiss the tear tracks down my cheeks and put your lips on mine.
"I love you too, my little toy."
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Confession
CM suggested I tell V about mds and talking to people on there. So I do.
Me: i've been talking to other people but its not the same :P
V: about the same subjects? :-P
Me: :p what if i said yes
V: then i'd say good for you
V: unless it was your cousin...in which case cue the banjos
Me: what if i said i'd still rather talk to you
V: id smile and say its my bedtime
Me: tell me seriously
V: im glad
Me: so if this were the case would you honestly be ok
V: of course
Me: i'd still rather be with you
V: gnite [purple]
I don't know what I thought would happen. I don't really want him to be super pissed and get angry at me and hate me, but I just can't believe that his response is genuine. Maybe it is because my reaction would be very negative and I would be unhappy? Maybe it is because I am reading too much into his reaction? A man in a chatroom once told another woman, who was trying to read into a guy's words, that men do not say one thing and mean another, or sugarcoat their words. That the literal interpretation is all there is to a man's comments. It this true?
Either way, I feel guilty. Guilt for the act of confessing, now isn't that an oxymoron, confession guilt.
Me: i've been talking to other people but its not the same :P
V: about the same subjects? :-P
Me: :p what if i said yes
V: then i'd say good for you
V: unless it was your cousin...in which case cue the banjos
Me: what if i said i'd still rather talk to you
V: id smile and say its my bedtime
Me: tell me seriously
V: im glad
Me: so if this were the case would you honestly be ok
V: of course
Me: i'd still rather be with you
V: gnite [purple]
I don't know what I thought would happen. I don't really want him to be super pissed and get angry at me and hate me, but I just can't believe that his response is genuine. Maybe it is because my reaction would be very negative and I would be unhappy? Maybe it is because I am reading too much into his reaction? A man in a chatroom once told another woman, who was trying to read into a guy's words, that men do not say one thing and mean another, or sugarcoat their words. That the literal interpretation is all there is to a man's comments. It this true?
Either way, I feel guilty. Guilt for the act of confessing, now isn't that an oxymoron, confession guilt.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Playing the Fairytale
So played with CM again. Had a difficult time finishing even though I was turned on, a second one was not in the cards. It got me thinking again about orgasms and multiple orgasms and orgasm as the culmination of sexual activity. The idea that both partners have to cum for it to be an enjoyable experience and if one or both does not then it wasn't a good experience. I wish that I was one of those women in stories/real life who can cum on a dime (so to speak).
The truth is that doesn't happen for me and it could just be that I am just not experienced enough or it is just not the way I'm built. I hope it is the former and not the latter and I hate disappointing by not finishing "appropriately". This is where those dirty words come in: should, ought to, must etc. I should be able to cum easily and often. In order to please one must be able to cum easily and often. If one is not able to cum easily and often one is a not a satisfying partner. So I end up beating myself up about it (which is nothing new) and add it to the list of my perceived failures in life.
One of the reasons I like CM is that he really knows a lot and has a lot of good things to say. He has this ideal of what a dom should be ("how degrading they can make u feel at the time and the special ones when finished will make u feel like a millions dollars") which sounds like the fairytale prince of doms. The essence of the princess by day and slut by night relationship.
As I was talking to CM, V came online (which always makes my pussy jump) and we talked for all of 10 minutes before he claimed bed time. I don't know whether it makes me sad, rejected, annoyed or angry. I always feel left hanging when he does that but am loathe to bring it up in order to avoid being the pushy nosy girl. CM was all encouraging about visiting him moving to Col getting a job in Col which leads me to become one of those really frustrating "yes but-ers" that are difficult to work with. Yes but I have a job here, yes but it would freak him out, yes but my family/friends wouldn't approve, yes but I would have to transfer my license and it would be a bitch, yes but yes but yes but.
In the end the conversation was put on hold because CM's slave (CK) came online and he went to play with her. So I got abandoned by two fellows this evening which left me feeling very alone.
The truth is that doesn't happen for me and it could just be that I am just not experienced enough or it is just not the way I'm built. I hope it is the former and not the latter and I hate disappointing by not finishing "appropriately". This is where those dirty words come in: should, ought to, must etc. I should be able to cum easily and often. In order to please one must be able to cum easily and often. If one is not able to cum easily and often one is a not a satisfying partner. So I end up beating myself up about it (which is nothing new) and add it to the list of my perceived failures in life.
One of the reasons I like CM is that he really knows a lot and has a lot of good things to say. He has this ideal of what a dom should be ("how degrading they can make u feel at the time and the special ones when finished will make u feel like a millions dollars") which sounds like the fairytale prince of doms. The essence of the princess by day and slut by night relationship.
As I was talking to CM, V came online (which always makes my pussy jump) and we talked for all of 10 minutes before he claimed bed time. I don't know whether it makes me sad, rejected, annoyed or angry. I always feel left hanging when he does that but am loathe to bring it up in order to avoid being the pushy nosy girl. CM was all encouraging about visiting him moving to Col getting a job in Col which leads me to become one of those really frustrating "yes but-ers" that are difficult to work with. Yes but I have a job here, yes but it would freak him out, yes but my family/friends wouldn't approve, yes but I would have to transfer my license and it would be a bitch, yes but yes but yes but.
In the end the conversation was put on hold because CM's slave (CK) came online and he went to play with her. So I got abandoned by two fellows this evening which left me feeling very alone.
Playing Online
So I played with CM last night. It was full-out playing in that he gave me online instructions and I followed them IRL. It was pretty basic play, get naked, tease yourself with your toy, ask permission to cum, but it was really fulfilling. It wasn't necessarily the climaxing that made it so fulfilling, but the attention, the feeling desired, the talking afterwards.
I am a sucker for pet names and CM uses them liberally, love, sexi etc. Sometimes when I think of V he's calling me 'pet', not because I want to do pet play, but because it't another label that shows that he has control of me, that I would be his. Normally I would be very hesitant to respond to someone who uses pet names in the first or even the second conversation, but CM seems to exude this calm, strong, dom-y aura and it feels ok. I also know that I don't have to worry about meeting him IRL and that any play we do is a mutually enjoyable fantasy.
I still feel some hesitation to let myself form relationships online, I know what happens when you end up emotionally involved, but maybe if you go into it assuming that you will get emotionally involved and that you put those limits in place early on, then when you do end up feeling emotionally attached you are prepared for it.
I'd like to play with CM again. He seems patient and willing to go slowly and I think he could teach me things about myself and what I like and what I want and how to go about getting that safely and happily.
I am a sucker for pet names and CM uses them liberally, love, sexi etc. Sometimes when I think of V he's calling me 'pet', not because I want to do pet play, but because it't another label that shows that he has control of me, that I would be his. Normally I would be very hesitant to respond to someone who uses pet names in the first or even the second conversation, but CM seems to exude this calm, strong, dom-y aura and it feels ok. I also know that I don't have to worry about meeting him IRL and that any play we do is a mutually enjoyable fantasy.
I still feel some hesitation to let myself form relationships online, I know what happens when you end up emotionally involved, but maybe if you go into it assuming that you will get emotionally involved and that you put those limits in place early on, then when you do end up feeling emotionally attached you are prepared for it.
I'd like to play with CM again. He seems patient and willing to go slowly and I think he could teach me things about myself and what I like and what I want and how to go about getting that safely and happily.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Comfort
I find it funny that when I inevitably think of V I picture us cuddling in bed naked. His arms around my body so that we are pressed up against each other, sticking to each other. I like to intersect our legs so that I am touching as much of him as possible, so that he can be "in" me without being in me.
He likes to fondle my ass in bed. Not necessarily sexual, more like a gesture of comfort. You are in my arms, I am holding you, I care for you, you care for me. I imagine facing him and wriggling to touch as much skin as I can, feeling almost like I'm in a womb of his arms and body and touch. His breathing and heartbeat focusing my own letting me relax and just be.
I wonder if cuddling can become a recognized form of mediation? "Clear your mind and wrap your lover's arms around you. Feel the touch of their skin on yours, the rush of blood in their veins. Melt into them and let their heartbeat and breathing become one with your own."
I would do it.
The hardest time, the time I miss him the most I think, is at bedtime. Since high school, at least, I've fantasized about falling asleep with someone, wrapped in someone's arm, and wake up the same way. Something about being held all night, knowing that the other person is right there next to you, will know if you move in your sleep, if you have a bad dream, if you have a good dream, is comforting beyond a doubt. I remember the ache that felt during some high school event when my then bf and I slept on couches on opposite sides of the room at a friend's house. I knew WHY we weren't supposed to sleep in the same place, but not being able to have that closeness was painful, even at that age.
Sometimes you hear about "cuddle parties" or "hug parties" where people get together and cuddle/hug each other for mutual comfort. I am always suspicious of those kinds of events. To be held by someone is a very intimate act sensual without being sexual, although the line between can be very thin.
He likes to fondle my ass in bed. Not necessarily sexual, more like a gesture of comfort. You are in my arms, I am holding you, I care for you, you care for me. I imagine facing him and wriggling to touch as much skin as I can, feeling almost like I'm in a womb of his arms and body and touch. His breathing and heartbeat focusing my own letting me relax and just be.
I wonder if cuddling can become a recognized form of mediation? "Clear your mind and wrap your lover's arms around you. Feel the touch of their skin on yours, the rush of blood in their veins. Melt into them and let their heartbeat and breathing become one with your own."
I would do it.
The hardest time, the time I miss him the most I think, is at bedtime. Since high school, at least, I've fantasized about falling asleep with someone, wrapped in someone's arm, and wake up the same way. Something about being held all night, knowing that the other person is right there next to you, will know if you move in your sleep, if you have a bad dream, if you have a good dream, is comforting beyond a doubt. I remember the ache that felt during some high school event when my then bf and I slept on couches on opposite sides of the room at a friend's house. I knew WHY we weren't supposed to sleep in the same place, but not being able to have that closeness was painful, even at that age.
Sometimes you hear about "cuddle parties" or "hug parties" where people get together and cuddle/hug each other for mutual comfort. I am always suspicious of those kinds of events. To be held by someone is a very intimate act sensual without being sexual, although the line between can be very thin.
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