Making Sense

Went on a date with the archaeologist (aka Dr. Jones) this weekend, lunch nothing special and we texted a bunch back and forth this evening.  I like him, he is smart and we have a lot to talk about.  We actually ended up having a conversation about sex and porn tonight (a fun topic for sure) and he made me laugh.  I don't know if he is more serious material but I do like him. 
Been talking to V more.  He is really coming into his dominant side with me...well at least online.  He seems to be getting into it that is for sure.  He is planning on visiting my town mid-December so I will probably get fucked and slapped around a lot :D

Speaking of getting fucked, I have a new policy of not sleeping with people unless I am dating them.  I think that this is gonna save me a lot of stress in the future....

My evening with MNF.....we watched  Thor, he started rubbing/scratching my back and ass and I started moaning and writhing a bit.  Then he got hot and bothered and took off my shirt/bra.  He bit me (which we all know I love) and I ended up giving him a blowjob.  We went to get a snack at the gas station after and he apparently felt like post-blowjob talk cause he talked about his friendship with my cousin and how he has been moody and whatever.  Then he flat out said that he didn't want to date me.  That was a blow to my ego, I am good enough to make him cum but not to date....and he does not seem to understand that if we hang out together we end up fooling around.  So once again I am going to have to not hang out with him so that I do not get hurt.

Going to be seeing the gentleman next weekend.  Spending time with him and his sub will be nice.  I feel the need to get beaten......

Haven't heard a whole lot from Almost Date.  Pretty sure nothing is going to happen with that, at least nothing serious...We hung out after the munch and talked a bit about his other play partners (at least 4 that he mentioned various distances away from him) and how he doesn't play that much supposedly (1-2 times per month). And of course he reiterated that he is looking for a permanent partner blah blah blah.  Sigh, I will probably give up on him too...

Trying to find a spot to hang out with my Kitten friend in the big city next weekend since I will be home for Thanksgiving.  Don't know if he will end up tying me up, due to time constraints, but yeah.

Did a lot of errands yesterday (got a new driver's license, almost bought a mini crop at a livestock store, bought new clothes for work, bought groceries).  Made cookies and buckeyes for next week.

Talked dirty with My Ninja Friend for a bit, it is pretty hot he makes me twitch.  Actually, I have been twitching pretty easily lately...Not sure if it is because I have become more conditioned to it or what...  i think he is the closest to my ideal kind of partner.  I do not think I could be his partner because of distance and other complications but in temperment and whatnot I find him very...reassuring and safe.

Bad Choices

Hung out with MNF tonight for the first time in a looooong time.  It was a bad choice.

Left me feeling like once again like all I am good enough for is sex. I know this is negative cognition and blah blah blah but it made me cry anyway.

Post Play Date #1

Random Thoughts on a (play) date with Almost-Date

It was good....and yet i feel somwhat neutral...
I'm not sure why exactly, maybe I was just really tired or numbed out or something
He would like an act II
I enjoyed my evening, we made out and there was some slight removal of clothing and biting which was fun
I think he smells good and I do like him
Idk if it is a like like kind of thing and he DOES have a lot of play partners which, in theory, would be better if it didn't bother me but it isn't my ideal situation....
In theory I could be ok with that if I had more information (who and how many would be a good start I guess) but at this point it isn't my place to be THAT girl
And even if it was (which I have been told for safety and health etc) I am not good at all asking those questions w/o feeling like I am intruding/nagging etc
I AM going to adopt a policy of not sleeping with someone unless I am dating dating them though

Two Dates no Waiting

Had a date with Almost Date and a vanilla date in the same weekend. 

I ended up feeling very confused about vanilla vs kinky dating, worried about my...interactions with multiple guys in the same period of time.
Not knowing where everything is going to fit together.

Trying to figure out where everything goes in my life, blending my vanilla friends/family and my kinky leanings
I have all these vanilla friends that I adore but that are far away and questioning if I should be relying on the kinky people down here for my social life instead of trying to branch out with "regular" people
How am I supposed to talk about my life down here to my vanilla people up if it's all whips and chains and such?
Sometimes I feel like I am lying

Choices

So last night my friend K broke up with my ninja friend.  This has been a long time in coming and it really upset me for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that I held them up on a pedestal as a kinky couple or the fact that I know that my ninja friend would become absolutely heartbroken and I would want to pick up the pieces.  But in my head I know that I cannot and SHOULD NOT be the one to pick up his pieces. 

On another note, my ninja friend asked me a question last night regarding my almost date:

Ninja Friend: ...find out if [he] likes to play with all the newbies taht come to his territory or if hes selective...
...
Purple: informant #2 "[He] has only tied me up a couple times but that is it. He is great at that. And it is fun. ...He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around. He does have a couple play partners. I do not know what they do specifically other than that they play..."

So I asked him about it.

Purple: do you play with all the new girls that are in the area?
Almost Date: Nope
...
Almost Date: Well?
Purple: thats it
Almost Date: I have played with many people. I currently have a number of play partners however I don't get to see them very often. I consider myself single and looking. I am looking for "The One" The girl I'll marry.

And then I ran away from both of them.  Almost Date called me a couple of times, left me a voicemail, and texted me.  I ignored his calls, didn't return the text, deleted the voicemail.  I texted him today and apologized using the breakup as an excuse.  He was upset, thought that I would never speak to him again etc etc.  I just wish things were easier, that I made all the right choices, that I was suave and certain and knew that I was doing the right thing.....

Confused, Concerned, Crushed?

So I am getting worried about this date I have with Almost Date Guy.  In a moment of floaty weakness I agreed to go on this date with him, stipulating that it is to be vanilla with no cheating on his part.  By cheating, of course, I mean no biting, no caressing, basically nothing that makes me floaty.

I have asked around to a couple of ladies in the local scene regarding their experiences/opinions and I have to admit that the reviews are not super amazingly stellar.  They aren't super red flags but they are not glowing recommnedations either.

"He likes to play with a lot of the new girls who come around."

"Because he's a player, honey. He had whoever he can get, pretty much...I think that he doesn't believe that he can get one girl to stay with him, maybe? I'm not sure, but I think he's putting a foot on all fields."

So I am kind of nervous about what may/may not happen.  I mean part of it too is that he had originally said that he was looking for something more than just a play partner type of relationship and the signals I am getting from him are definitely more of the "short term" than long term wants. 

I do not want to put myself in a position where I know I am going to get hurt, I truly do want to learn from my past mistakes with physical vs emotional relationships....I am just not sure that I can.

Depressing posts about D/s Relationships

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