Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

BDSM Problem #154

BDSM Problem #154

When the term good girl starts to become the synonym for being a dirty submissive little slut that wants to get tortured and used

Happy (Kinky) Holidays!!

So I took the plunge and went to the Christmas munch/play party in a neighboring town.  I knew a couple of people that were going to be attending but most of the aquaintances I have met since moving were attending a different play party that evening.

It was a ton of fun.  I bought a garter belt and a pair of stockings and wore them underneath my red sweater dress and felt SUPER sexy *grin*

So I went to the party and there was a lot of food and a couple of people I chatted with and some others that I had met once before but hadn't really talked to.  We sat and ate and it was lovely.  Then we played the White Elephant grab bag game and it was hilarious! Everyone brought some sort of pervertable gift bag and it was hilarious!  I ended up stealing another player's bag that had some lovely rope, a dish cleaning brush, a funnel, electrical tape, a cheap hanger with clamps, and an over the door hook.

OMG the over the door hook is a delightful g spot toy ^^ accompanied by the fake hitachi I came twice in like 5 minutes! Never before! Thank you kinky Xmas friends!!

After the presents and such people once again hung out and played in an adjacent room set up with spanking benches.  I ended up doing some stretches and exposing myself a little bit *blush* but actually left the party semi early.  I am really glad I went.  I got to re-meet a bunch of people, added some friends on Fet, got a few compliments *blush* but that is another story.

Fuck

Hi!  Thanks I am feeling better! Sorry I've just been in a weird place lately, I do enjoy talking and hanging out with you but at this point I think that's all I can really do. Sorry to have led you on but I would still like to hang out and talk but as friends and stuff

Dr. Jones and the Communication Block of Doom

So the Sunday date was rainchecked and it turned into a Monday night nursing gig.  He and I were Im'ing back and forth (I initiated) and he made a joke about wanting a backrub.  Long story short, I went to his place and gave him a backrub/some cookies.  I also went down on him a bit (ho boy he is thick!), he fingered me again (holy hell he has great fingers), he slapped my ass...hard, and we talked and cuddled naked again.  Then I left.

And now it is Thursday night and he hasn't contacted me at all.  I ended up sending him a message that basically said "Hi hope you're feeling better, so do you like me or what cause I keep being the one to initiate etc etc."  No reply. 

Could this be the end of Dr. Jones? Will his inability to initate conversation be the end of him? Am I doomed to be unloved until the end of time? Forever Aloners unite....

Re-postables

To enter in these bonds is to be free.  ~  John Donne

"I’m sorry for…
Being annoying because I want to talk to you.
Being needy because I miss you.
Being emotional because I care about you.
Being insecure because I’m afraid to lose you."

Dr. Jones and the Third Date of Awesomeness

So I had a third date with Dr. Jones.  It went really really well.  I went over to his place and we watched Evil Dead and most of Daybreakers (a really good movie btw).  So during movie #1 there was no physical contact.  During movie #2 I got cold and borrowed a blanket and he put his hand on my thigh.  He was touching my thigh through my jeans, super gently and innocently but he totally ended up making me shiver, which super amussed him, then he moved to my neck and my ears and my scalp.  He eventually put his hand down my shirt and I started making noises, it was delightful :D. So he told me that I could tell him to stop and I put up a finger to signal a pause while I stopped shivering/caught my breath.

Then I dropped the kinky bomb.  I told him I was kinky (had previously stated that I was interested in sex in an academic sense, PhD and so forth and mentioned that I had recently started perusing some kinky literature) and he appeared totally cool with it.  I told him that I recently discovered that I liked canes, that I like being tied up, bit, hair pulled etc.  I definitely did NOT tell him everything on my list but I confessed the things I thought would show that this was a serious interest and not just a "play" interest.  I told him that I had just started getting into it and that I had some friends that I had explored some stuff with and so forth.  I tried to be honest without being explicit and hoping that he would be ok with it all.  He mentioned that he had done some hair pulling, biting, tying up, and whipping in the past and said that it wouldn't be a problem.  I felt SUPER awkward after I told him because....I guess I was expecting an automatic negative response and even though he gave a somewhat positive response I am still scared that he just said it but didn't really mean it....

Anyway, so then there was a pause and he started licking and kissing my neck and I started making noises.  So he stood up and helped me wobble to his bedroom, took off my clothes, and went down on me.  Holy Hell.  It felt so fucking good!! I was totally not expecting it for sure!!  I didn't climax but omg it was good.  Then we cuddled naked in his bed for a little over an hour.  It was super nice.

So, my thinking is that his positive reaction to my admission really WAS a positive reaction and not just a "I will say yes to get some action" reaction...but then he rainchecked on our planned evening on Sunday so.....that makes me all nervous and self conscious and such again....