Don't count your eggs...

Ok so lots and lots of things have happened in the past not even 24hrs

Went to the last of the kinky Christmas parties.  It was a smallish gathering maybe 10 people total that filtered in and out.  One of the guest's was the foot rubber (call him J) from the munch this week (it's important to know) and some other localish people.  It was held in a girl's apartment and so there wasn't a separate area for scening or anything.  I actually showed up pretty late due to a previous engagement so I missed the kinky grab bag but I was ok with that.

the hostess was the only one who was naked/semi naked during the "early part of the evening" and got her ass cropped to all hell and back.  It was actually very impressive, the top was very precise with his cropping and really aimed and very deliberate with his strokes.  It was hot.  The hostess took her beating very well (much better than I would for sure) and enjoyed it immensely.

Fast forward a bit and I overhear that J REALLY likes having his scalp massaged.  Well I was willing to trade a scalp massage for the foot rub earlier this week and ended up like this:

Yup, those are my legs on his shoulders, my hands on his scalp, and his hands rubbing my feet.  He made AWESOME noises while I was doing this, very very hot.  And while I was sitting there, people kept handing me different sensation-y implements to use on his scalp or made suggestions as to what to do next.  It was super fun and I did it a couple of times during the night.  (I tried to use it as rewards for not going out to smoke lol.)

There was also a while where I kind of sprawled on the couch and he was rubbing my feet/ankles during the night which was super nice and when he would rub my calves mmmmmm

Anyway, I am sitting on the couch (next to J who is in the middle between myself and the hostess) and the hostess decides that I need to be smacked with a giant paint stick....needless to say it made me twitch.  So she would do it again and I would twitch again and J would touch my thigh which would make me twitch even more.  Long story short I ended up writhing on the hostess' couch to the amusement of everyone around me for a while.

A couple people left a couple new one's floated in around midnight or so and the decision was made to play strip poker.  We all ended up naked.  Myself, the hostess, another girl, J, and two other guys.  Well one of the guys ended up being owed a favor from the hostess and the other girl and had them make out naked in the middle of the group.  It was kind of hot, but I am way too self conscious to do anything like that in front of a group. 

The boys ended up all going out for a smoke and so the hostess, the other girl and myself had a little heart to heart girl talk which was fun.  I am pretty sure I ended up sharing more than I meant to/should have but oh well.  CC was brought up and of course the other guys at the party and whatnot. 

So I had put my dress and underpants back on and was lying on the floor when the guys came in.  We were all just shooting the shit and I patted the spot next to me for J to sit.  Yeah I kind of assumed that I might get a little more touching but I didn't have any major expectations.  J sat down next to me and started playing with my hair and my scalp....which let to me twitching on the floor, which was delightful.  He ended up leaning down and kissing/biting my ears which TOTALLY made me moan and then started whispering how much he wanted to kiss me and how good the scalp rubs felt and that he really liked me and it was SO hot and I just kept moaning and we started kissing on the floor with all these other people doing...whatever they were doing at that point. 

We started to make out hardcore, his hand was sliding up my dress and I eventually called a halt because 1) we were making out hardcore in front of a bunch of people and 2) it was getting to the point where we were going to have to talk about limits and the policy.  So we paused, checked with the hostess, promised we wouldn't have sex in her roommate/ex boyfriend's bed, and off we went. 

We talked for a while, wrapped up in each other of course, he started saying all these....very dramatic and uber relationshiplike things and explaining how he tried dating the hostess recently but that fell through and all this stuff.  Well my big point to him was not to count his eggs before they hatch and tried to explain the not raising hopes too high etc etc.  I am not sure he heard it all but I tried in my incredibly tired state.

We made out for...a long time.  He fingered me, then asked if he could taste me, which was oh boy so fucking hot.  He went down on me and it was lovely and I seriously tried to stay quiet! I really did try to muffle myself.  But, according to conversations I had this afternoon, I failed. *blush*  We fell asleep and then his alarm went off early and we made out some more, more sweet talk, more kissing, more everything.  Eventually, we got dressed, stumbled out to clean up the apt and went out separate ways.  Before we separated, he got my number, and told me he wanted to go on a date this week.  I reminded him of the egg/chicken comment, but I think he blew that off....

Overall, I do like him...a lot.  He is a smoker and has kids (which I always thought of as deal breakers for me but idk we will see) and lives about 40 minutes from me.  He likes how I moan his name and making me twitch.  He likes how I massage his scalp.  He likes how I taste.  I like how soft his hair is.  I like how he kisses, he doesn't taste like a smoker.  I like how he whispers in my ear, growls in my ear.  I like the cuddling.  But the fear and suspicion and apprehension is still there...it's always there.

Slutty

So apparently I become super slutty when I go to munches in my town.  I think that because a) the local munch happens only once a month and b) I don't have a regular outlet for my sexual kinky slutty energy I become super slutty/loud/fake etc during the munch.  It isn't a conscious thing but I feel like I present this image that I am this bouncy flirty loud slutty girl that people think of as cute and sexy and someone who is happy and smiles and its all fake but a totally involuntary fake.  I feel extreme guilt becuase get this image that I am happy and flirty and always get what I want and it is the total opposite.  I think about how they would all ignore me if they really knew how I am but they won't because this other person comes out and blinds them to the fact that I am not that way.

I think of myself in the totally opposite way....and the...dissonance between those two personas is just...too much sometimes and the guilt that I am not being myself makes me sob....

BDSM Problem #154

BDSM Problem #154

When the term good girl starts to become the synonym for being a dirty submissive little slut that wants to get tortured and used

Happy (Kinky) Holidays!!

So I took the plunge and went to the Christmas munch/play party in a neighboring town.  I knew a couple of people that were going to be attending but most of the aquaintances I have met since moving were attending a different play party that evening.

It was a ton of fun.  I bought a garter belt and a pair of stockings and wore them underneath my red sweater dress and felt SUPER sexy *grin*

So I went to the party and there was a lot of food and a couple of people I chatted with and some others that I had met once before but hadn't really talked to.  We sat and ate and it was lovely.  Then we played the White Elephant grab bag game and it was hilarious! Everyone brought some sort of pervertable gift bag and it was hilarious!  I ended up stealing another player's bag that had some lovely rope, a dish cleaning brush, a funnel, electrical tape, a cheap hanger with clamps, and an over the door hook.

OMG the over the door hook is a delightful g spot toy ^^ accompanied by the fake hitachi I came twice in like 5 minutes! Never before! Thank you kinky Xmas friends!!

After the presents and such people once again hung out and played in an adjacent room set up with spanking benches.  I ended up doing some stretches and exposing myself a little bit *blush* but actually left the party semi early.  I am really glad I went.  I got to re-meet a bunch of people, added some friends on Fet, got a few compliments *blush* but that is another story.

Fuck

Hi!  Thanks I am feeling better! Sorry I've just been in a weird place lately, I do enjoy talking and hanging out with you but at this point I think that's all I can really do. Sorry to have led you on but I would still like to hang out and talk but as friends and stuff

Dr. Jones and the Communication Block of Doom

So the Sunday date was rainchecked and it turned into a Monday night nursing gig.  He and I were Im'ing back and forth (I initiated) and he made a joke about wanting a backrub.  Long story short, I went to his place and gave him a backrub/some cookies.  I also went down on him a bit (ho boy he is thick!), he fingered me again (holy hell he has great fingers), he slapped my ass...hard, and we talked and cuddled naked again.  Then I left.

And now it is Thursday night and he hasn't contacted me at all.  I ended up sending him a message that basically said "Hi hope you're feeling better, so do you like me or what cause I keep being the one to initiate etc etc."  No reply. 

Could this be the end of Dr. Jones? Will his inability to initate conversation be the end of him? Am I doomed to be unloved until the end of time? Forever Aloners unite....

Re-postables

To enter in these bonds is to be free.  ~  John Donne

"I’m sorry for…
Being annoying because I want to talk to you.
Being needy because I miss you.
Being emotional because I care about you.
Being insecure because I’m afraid to lose you."

Dr. Jones and the Third Date of Awesomeness

So I had a third date with Dr. Jones.  It went really really well.  I went over to his place and we watched Evil Dead and most of Daybreakers (a really good movie btw).  So during movie #1 there was no physical contact.  During movie #2 I got cold and borrowed a blanket and he put his hand on my thigh.  He was touching my thigh through my jeans, super gently and innocently but he totally ended up making me shiver, which super amussed him, then he moved to my neck and my ears and my scalp.  He eventually put his hand down my shirt and I started making noises, it was delightful :D. So he told me that I could tell him to stop and I put up a finger to signal a pause while I stopped shivering/caught my breath.

Then I dropped the kinky bomb.  I told him I was kinky (had previously stated that I was interested in sex in an academic sense, PhD and so forth and mentioned that I had recently started perusing some kinky literature) and he appeared totally cool with it.  I told him that I recently discovered that I liked canes, that I like being tied up, bit, hair pulled etc.  I definitely did NOT tell him everything on my list but I confessed the things I thought would show that this was a serious interest and not just a "play" interest.  I told him that I had just started getting into it and that I had some friends that I had explored some stuff with and so forth.  I tried to be honest without being explicit and hoping that he would be ok with it all.  He mentioned that he had done some hair pulling, biting, tying up, and whipping in the past and said that it wouldn't be a problem.  I felt SUPER awkward after I told him because....I guess I was expecting an automatic negative response and even though he gave a somewhat positive response I am still scared that he just said it but didn't really mean it....

Anyway, so then there was a pause and he started licking and kissing my neck and I started making noises.  So he stood up and helped me wobble to his bedroom, took off my clothes, and went down on me.  Holy Hell.  It felt so fucking good!! I was totally not expecting it for sure!!  I didn't climax but omg it was good.  Then we cuddled naked in his bed for a little over an hour.  It was super nice.

So, my thinking is that his positive reaction to my admission really WAS a positive reaction and not just a "I will say yes to get some action" reaction...but then he rainchecked on our planned evening on Sunday so.....that makes me all nervous and self conscious and such again....